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Livingstone Talks Dirty. Well, Sort Of

April 5, 2008

They’re at it again. The politicians, I mean, talking about their bedroom secrets. No sooner did we learn that Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem leader, has left a trail of sexual conquests behind him before marrying his current wife when Ken Livingstone came out, talking dirty, so to speak, and confessed to having five children by three women.

Livingstone, of course, made his confession to limit any possible damage that could occur with the publication of his new biography which mentions his five children. It’s a delicate time for him as he is running for a third term as London’s mayor and anything that might make him look a bit, you know, awkward is better revealed voluntarily than thrust upon him by events.

Livingstone pretended that it was no big deal, fathering children all over the place. ‘I don’t think anybody in this city will be shocked by what two consenting adults do, as long as you don’t include children, animals and vegetables,’ he said and a lot of easily excitable people immediately started guessing what sort of vegetables he was talking about and why he put them in the same category of appalling practices of having sex with children and animals. Is there a law that we don’t know about that prohibits bringing vegetables in the bedroom? Mr Livingstone should enlighten us on this subject because there are people out there who might be terrified of being prosecuted for their creative use of, say, cucumbers.

Meanwhile, David Cameron, the Conservative party leader, while not exactly confessing to any sexual conquests, still balanced on the edge of the subject by saying that Viagra is one of the best inventions of modern times. Whatever could he mean by that? many people thought. Does he use it himself or has he been informed by other people of the wonders of having a regulated erection? It’s all very exciting, of course, especially as this promotion for Viagra came from the Leader of the Opposition quite soon after Nick Clegg’s confession about his active love life in the past.

I wonder whoever is next in line among the politicians to join the great big debate about sex.

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