The British Comedy Awards Was An Embarrassment. Let’s Hear The Names Of The Judges

December 8, 2008

So, now that we know all the glorious details of the British Comedy Awards (BCA) ceremony, including, of course, the names of all the winners, it would be a good idea if we could find out the names of the judges. Yep, that would be a handy thing to know, considering that most of the awards went to people and programmes that did not really deserve them.

Let’s face it, comedy buffs: Harry Hill’s TV Burp should not have really qualified for the Best Comedy Entertainment Programme of 2008. No way did this amateurish and primitive show that uses clips from TV sitcoms and dramas to poke fun at them qualify to be the best comedy programme on British television this year. And yet the judges, all twelve of them, in fact, had picked Harry Hill’s bland show to be the best of the best in 2008.

Have they actually seen it at all? Or did they just hear about it from someone who said that it was a very good show. Like from Michael Grade, for example, the Chairman of ITV? Could he have just told them that it was the best show on television ever, funny and very relevant. A huge hit with the audiences. And on the basis of his words they decided that it was a good show and voted overwhelmingly for it.

I heard that the panel included presenters from terrestrial TV channels and journalists who write about television. And one of the judges was a leading writer. I tried, by the way, to find out their names, but it turned out to be impossible. Their identities are kept in secret. For their own protection, as I understand. They probably feel themselves that they should remain anonymous because a lot of people might want to have a talk with them and make their views known to them.

I suggest that the names of all future British Comedy Awards judges are announced beforehand and that their home addresses and phone numbers are posted on the official site of the BCA. And I bet you that their choice of winners would much more reasonable and objective in the future.

Because there was nothing reasonable or objective about giving Allan Carr the Best Comedy Entertainment Performance award for his Friday Night Project. Have you ever seen Carr in his Project? He is not very good in it. Just like he is not very good in most of the projects that he does. Carr’s main problem is that he isn’t funny. Funny he isn’t, which is a bit of a disadvantage for a comedian. But there is nothing he can do about it, nothing at all. Whatever he says does not sound funny. That is how Carr is. That is how unfair life has been to him. He could not develop a sense of humour, even though he tried very hard.

And yet, all the judges, who have chosen to remain anonymous, had decided that Carr was a great showman, a star of comedy, a real funny man. Yet I suspect that if the judges would not have enjoyed a status of anonymity they would not have gone for Carr. Or for any of the other nominees in that category, for that matter. They would have simply said that they could not reach a decision. And announced no winners in the category.

And there is absolutely no way they would have given the award for the Best Comedy Panel Show to QI, hosted by that terrible man Stephen Fry, if they knew that their names would be known to everyone. QI is probably the worst comedy panel show in the history of television. It is so bad that even people who work on it can’t help cringing. Fry has excelled himself on it. He produces some of the most hideous lines ever and all his jokes fall flat all the time. The show is one long disaster, with contestants demonstrating the most appalling sense of humour imaginable. Only people with some hidden agendas could have chosen a programme like that to be the Best Comedy Panel Show.

The same goes for the Best TV Comedy Actor of 2008, Ricky Gervais. This is a man who has given us the horrendous The Office, the show that has told the whole world that the British people have lost their sense of humour once and for all.

The guy has no talent at all. None. He is to comedy what a dentist’s drill is to a good mood or erectile problems to a loving relationship. He just isn’t funny. He is hopeless at comedy. He is short and overweight and feels insecure in front of an audience. Only people with no understanding of humour could have chosen him as the best TV comedy actor. I would really, really love to know the names of these 12 people who have chosen him.

Because they were the very same people who have chosen the comedy sitcom Gavin and Stacey as the Best TV Comedy of 2008. This is a show that has first appeared on that weird digital TV channel, BBC3, and probably never had an audience of more than a few hundred people. The series is pathetic and unfunny and so amateurish that you always catch yourself thinking that it is probably some school project that had been chosen for broadcasting simply because the others were even worse.

The characters in Gavin and Stacey are two dimensional, no, they are one dimensional, the acting is abysmal and the story lines are so primitive that you wonder how on earth they were ever developed into a script. It is the worst possible show to qualify for the Best TV Comedy of the year. And yet, once again, the twelve members of the panel thought that it was a great show.

And, of course, these very same people had decided that Russell Brand was the best stand-up comedian in Britain in 2008. This pathetic non-entity, who looks like a woman in drag, has not produced a single funny line, let alone a sketch or a joke, in his life. The guy’s a fraud and I can bet you that he has even invented that whole story of him having a drug and a drink problem, just to make it into the big time. Because that is how the world of entertainment works in Britain: you come out as a drug user or an alcoholic and there is no stopping you from then onwards.

Honestly, for the sake of the future of British comedy, the names of the judges, who have chosen the winners for this year’s BCA, will have to be revealed, along with their addresses. They have to be dealt with before they cause any more damage to comedy in the future.

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