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A Nasty Incident At My Home Convinces Me That I Should Keep My Powder Dry

February 13, 2009

Hi there, everyone! This is your editor speaking.

I thought I should tell you about a bizarre incident that has happened yesterday at my house, in the leafy part of London called Highgate. As I finished editing the latest set of articles for StirringTroubleInternationally I decided to have a nap in the living room downstairs, on the sofa, as I was just too tired to go upstairs to my bedroom. It was around 3.30 in the morning. So I switched off the light and dozed off.

Imagine my surprise when about half an hour later I was woken up by a loud noise – someone was trying to smash the window in the living room. I jumped up from the sofa, switched on the light and parted the blinds. Three thugs with their faces hidden by scarves were hitting the glass with bricks.

‘What the f..k are you trying to do!’ I shouted. ‘Are you f..king mad!’

I am sorry for sounding so rude but I really hate it when people wake me up in the early hours and I really don’t like when they are smashing my windows and not ringing the door bell.

The most amazing thing was that the three punks continued to smash their way through, even when I confronted them. Bits of glass flew all around and both of my hands were cut. I pushed one of them out and he fell on the ground.

‘That’s it,’ I shouted to the burglars, for so that you know they were burglars. ‘I am getting my gun out.’

That seemed to work. The three thugs ran off to the car that was waiting for them down the road. They got into it and drove off.

The window was smashed completely, glass was lying everywhere and drops of blood covered the floor as a result of me cutting my hands.

Trust me, this was not the way I was planning to spend my Thursday morning.

The cops – a polite young woman and a young man – arrived relatively quickly, summoned by my son. I was told that it was typical burglary when a groups of punks storm into houses through a smashed window, grab anything that they can get their hands on, especially the keys to the car. Then they simply drive off with the loot.

Right, I said to the two policemen, what do we do now? I have the brick here that they used. We can go on a chase and catch them and then you might look away as I deliver a lecture on the dangers of upsetting people in the middle of the night using elements of that famous art of self defence called SAMBO.

The two cops smiled. They thought that I actually suggesting to investigate the crime seriously. It turned out that it was hopeless to look for the men as I could not describe their appearances with them being covered by scarves and they did not manage to steal anything. It appeared that there was nothing the police could do as they were a gang of opportunists who drove around in stolen cars, pinpoint properties with good cars parked out side and taking their chnces.

The only thing I was told to do was to summon a carpenter to fix the window. The carpenter, Kevin, God bless him, did arrive quite quickly and did a wonderful job of fixing the window which now looks like brand new.

How’s business going, I asked Kevin as he was packing his tools? Not bad, he said. Three four windows a night practically every night. That was when I thought that recession must be kicking in a big way.

I suggested to the cops that I might have a word with some people in the area, to find out who these hoods were. Because they frightened my wife, my son and my cat Kis-Kis, who woke up to find out what all the fuss was about. The cops told me that it would be a very long shot as the burglars probably came from some distant area. The principle ‘don’t shit where you eat’ seems to be still applied by the lowlifes out there.

The cops left, leaving me a crime number to call if something comes up. But I decided to take the matter into my own hands. I am going to talk to some Russian people in the area and see what they can find out. They are usually good at it. And if they find the punks who tried to burgle my family we will pay them a visit and explain why it is absolutely unacceptable to barge into other people’s house in the middle of the night. My Russian friends posses wonderful powers of persuasion and it usually does wonders for people who chose burglary as a career.

Meanwhile I would like to assure my readers that I am safe and sound and that tomorrow there will more exciting and entertaining articles posted on our site. We will be announcing the creation of a new political party – the SCP – in Britain and you will be finding out about its remarkable policies and how to become a member.

Meanwhile I will be checking whether my powder is dry so that I would be ready for any other intrusions.

Best,
Alexander Nekrassov.

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