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We Warned You That Street Begging Will Be Big Soon. Well, We’re Warning You Once More

May 4, 2009

We’ve Warned You That Street Begging Will Be Big Soon. Well, We’re Warning You Once More Today we present an article from our back catalogue that has a bit of a sad theme in it, although it is written in a humorous sort of way. Hopefully it might help some of the people out there, who can’t seem to grasp the idea that the party is over and that they have to stop blowing money away on buying things that they do not need. Otherwise, as we pointed out in the heading to our piece all those months ago:

Street Begging Is Going To Be Big This Year. And The Next, And The Year After That

Have you seriously considered a career in street begging?

With the economy going down the toilet and people losing their jobs and homes and savings I would guess that street begging is going to be big this year. And the next. And the year after that.

Soon there will be a lot of competition on the streets so you’d better make up your mind fast and be there first, acquiring valuable experience and getting all those tax free pennies and pounds rolling in. Because if you really think that Big Brother is going to come to your rescue or that all those banks and building societies and credit card companies would just write off billions that are owed to them, then you’re in for a serious disappointment. Big Brother will be too busy doing other things, like fighting terrorism or preparing for the Olympics, while lenders will go after people’s assets and many of them will eventually find themselves without any money at all. So it’s best to be ready for the worst case scenario in advance and start preparing yourself for a new challenging career in street begging.

There are several important things to consider before hitting the streets and making that first important pitch. First of all, learn to pick the right location. Begging in this sense is no different from any other customer oriented business. Because, let’s face it, people who give you money on the street are your customers and it is only natural that you chose the location of your operation sensibly. So what are we looking at here? Well, the place where you beg has to be busy because there is no hope of raising substantial revenues if there are no people about, right? But at the same time a busy place might not generate the financial yield that you are looking for. So it has to be an area where there are a lot of people who may be tempted to part with some of their money. Train and underground stations, airports, bus terminals, museums, cinema lobbies, shopping centres, large department stores, zoos and amusement parks are out of the question. These places are out of bounds to beggars because they will be ushered away by security or police the moment they start appealing for financial assistance. In these crowded areas the people who generate a lot of money – apart from the owners, of course, – are pickpockets, but we are not touching upon their aggressive form of fund raising at the moment.

A sensible beggar should choose his location at a busy shopping area or position himself close to a popular tourist spot, because tourists are excellent targets for beggars. They carry money with them, they often have no idea of the value of the notes and coins in circulation and any change in the boring sightseeing routine is welcome by them. So shoppers and tourists are the two categories that are best to go for.

It also makes sense to pinpoint several locations so that you could change them from time to time, if only not to get bored or avoid a nuisance like passing cops. Although, as everyone knows, cops on the beat are so rear nowadays that they are going to be the least of your worries.

How to go about your appearance when begging? This is a serious question because there are two schools of thought on that subject. There are some people who say that you have to be looking really shitty and be dressed in rags, and smell bad, and have rotten teeth, and generally look destitute. And yes, it probably works for some people and some passers-by get sympathetic and part with a couple of coins. But there are also others – and I must say I share their opinion – who say that beggars have to be clean and smart, in a vagrant sort of way, of course: no hint of any designer labels, no fancy hair styles, no jewellery and no whiffs of expensive after shaves. None of these things should be present; just plain simple casual beggar’s sort of look will do. Most people don’t really like to see the ugly side of poverty shoved in their faces. You’d never see, for example, beggars looking really disgusting in theatre plays, in operas or in films. They sort of look poor and yet seem cuddly and nice at the same time. Otherwise audiences would not really enjoy looking at them, would they?

So I say, go for the artistic look: be shabby but clean, and please, please avoid smelling like a passenger in a London underground train on a hot day. It is so important to strike the right sort of balance so that your appearance arouses sympathy, on the one hand, but doesn’t cause offence and a feeling of disgust, on the other. Like in any other job, in begging you have to find the right approach to your customers.

And don’t forget to lose those pounds if you are chubby. There is nothing worse than an overweight beggar.

Communication skills are absolutely paramount for a successful career in street begging. Let’s face it: if someone simply stands there and says nothing then the desire to give him money is less strong than when there is a sensible case made for a donation. Shouting is not a good way to beg, as it often makes people walk faster to try to get away as quickly as possible. So it is better to rehearse a bit before going out on the streets and get the volume levels just right, so that your voice would be heard above the street noise but wouldn’t sound hysterical at the same time.

Politeness is crucial in begging, simply crucial. Say things like ‘Looking nice today, madam. Any change to spare?’ Or, ‘Any chance of some spare change, sir. Would be ever so grateful.’ Or, ‘That’s a wonderful boy, madam. Any spare change?’

And make sure that you pronounce the words clearly, distinctly, with feeling and passion. You are begging for tax free money! So don’t you ever forget it!

One thing to avoid is drinking on the job. The image of a drunk begging for money to buy more booze is very damaging to your business. So that you know, people have been warned by the police that many beggars are alcoholics and drug addicts and collect money to get pissed or stoned. So it’s not exactly a good idea to prove the cops are right, is it? Plus, many women would be afraid to approach you thinking that you might get aggressive.

Consuming food while begging might also turn away potential donors as you are supposed to be hungry and forced to beg to buy some food. In most people’s minds the image of a beggar is that of a man who is always hungry. So try to look hungry; really, really hungry.

Dogs are, of course, a great asset in street begging. Dogs immediately arouse sympathy. They are cute and can lie there for hours at your feet, looking pleadingly at passers-by. Having a dog beside you is a great way of involving people in conversation, as they kneel down to pat and scratch the cuddly animal. And once they start chatting, you get a great opportunity to extract some serious money out them. The stories that you tell them depend on the level of training you have received. It can be anything, depending on who kneels down beside you. If it’s a man, get to the point quickly. If it’s a woman, take your time, get emotional, and give her some sentimental rubbish which you can easily pick up from TV soap operas. You can borrow dogs from your friends, if you’ll have any left after your downfall, and train them to behave accordingly. But it would probably be better to have a dog of your own and develop that unmistakable bond that will help you work as a team.

A word of warning: don’t use exotic animals as they tend to be frightened of crowds and tend to relieve themselves at the most awkward times.

You may wonder whether the presence of children helps when begging on the streets. Well, it depends, of course, how old your kids are. If they are too young, people might think that you are abusing them, and if they are too old then the effect is not that great. Better let them become pickpockets and have some excitement in their lives. Good ages for children to beg alongside elders would be six to ten, but they really have to rehearse their lines and look seriously malnourished. Unlike dogs, children get bored quickly and demand that you amuse and entertain them. So you really have to decide for yourselves whether your children are suitable for street begging and whether they can become successful if they go on to have a full time career in it.

As regards the duration of begging sessions and the time of day when you feel more comfortable on the streets, it’s all up to you, really. It’s very difficult to advise on how long you should devote yourselves to begging each day. It all depends on the amounts of money coming in, and what the weather is like on the day, and whether you feel like begging at all, and how long your lunch break lasts. It would be wise, of course, to set yourself a minimum period of time per day so that you stick to your schedule and not lose your form.

Treat begging seriously is my advice. It might become your full-time job for years and years to come.

– End –

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One Response to “We Warned You That Street Begging Will Be Big Soon. Well, We’re Warning You Once More”

  1. Kieron on July 5th, 2009 12:12 pm

    I wonder if more people should start begging – so many that they interupt the journey to work for people who manufacture weapons – ideally prevent them doing their job?

    Big brother does a good job of blackmailing us into poverty – taxation is blackmail after all. Yes I want to reap the rewards of some of the investments they make but as we have seen not all our tax money is invested wisely or humanely.

    I wonder what quantity of people would need to be on the street to convince the people who benefit from maintaining control of the masses that what they are doing is not just wrong but inhumane?

    Taking peoples houses because they decide they want more money disgusts me.

    Can your next article be how to pick pocket the banks without facing criminal charges. Not how to save money but how to make money from the people who forcibly extract money from everyone and everything they can – can you simply ask for more without paying it back? In Oliver he asked for more and got a telling off from the Beagle. What a shame thats what happens in life only the telling off means you lose yor house and posessions.

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