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Hard Times Are Coming. Food Will Become A Luxury Soon

As the economic crisis continues to hit Britain hard more and more people no longer shop but browse at supermarkets and grocery stores. You can hear shop assistants asking shoppers in supermarkets, who walk around with empty baskets or push empty trolleys, ‘Can I help you, sir/madam?’ and people answering, ‘No, thank you, I’m just browsing.’

Yes, food browsing has become huge this year. You often overhear conversations of the following nature:

First woman: I prefer to browse at Tesco’s, to be honest. They are much more tolerant to browsers than Waitrose.
Second woman: No, no, Tesco are too downmarket for browsing. What is there to look at? I browse with my husband at the food department at our local Marks & Spencer. What wonderful packaging they have! And what a selection. A feast for the eyes.

First woman: We don’t have that much money to browse in Marks & Spencer. Since my Geoffrey lost his begging spot at Oxford Circus we could no longer afford to browse at expensive grocery stores.
Second woman: Well, we got used to browsing at Marks & Sparks since both of our sons started street begging. Before that we also stuck to Tesco.

Shoplifting in supermarkets is on the rise as desperate hungry people are trying to get food for their children by stealing a few potatoes and a can of beans. Security has been tightened and all shoppers are treated with suspicion. Just like drug mules carry drugs inside their bodies shoplifters in supermarkets hide groceries in their anuses and vaginas. Anything to put something on the table at home.

As food becomes a luxury new forms of entertainment will develop. There would soon be films made about families sitting around a table and eating a full three or four course dinner. For connoisseurs there would be films made about a man or a woman making his or hers breakfast an eating it. And for all those lovers of eroticism there would be films where sexual partners would be eating while having intercourse. Although, of course, there are already films like that available, they don’t really dominate the adult entertainment market. Not yet, that is.

And there will be plays staged about people having breakfasts, lunches and dinners. There will be rapturous applause when food would be brought on stage. ‘Bravo! Bravo,’ the hungry audiences would be screaming when a rack of lamb or a fried Dover Sole would be wheeled in on a trolley. And the next day critics will praise the menu in the play and point out how really convincingly the actors ate and how the smell of food hung in the air throughout the whole performance. And people would flood to see the play and tell their friends not to miss its fine cuisine.

Restaurants would become places where only the super-rich would eat. Gossip columns would be devoted to describing ‘food orgies’ staged by the remaining few bankers and hedge fund managers in fancy eateries. The wealthy will try to outspend each other by paying obscene sums of money for some starter or main course. ‘Millionaire-playboy blows a fortune on a seafood cocktail in Montpeliano Restaurant!’ a newspaper headline would scream. ‘Banker buys lunch for three of his friends and spends two million!’ another headline would say. ‘Russian oligarch has a six course dinner, with wine, and still avoids bankruptcy!’

Even junk food chains would become too expensive for the average person and they would only cater for people who would be able to show that they have enough cash on them to pay for their burger, chips and Coke.

Cannibalism would spread. ‘Wife cooks her husband buttock,’ newspapers would report. ‘Says it tasted like chicken.’ ‘Husband is arrested for eating a breast,’ another report would say. ‘While it was still stuck to his wife’s body.’ New cookery books will come out with titles like, ‘What Parts Of Your Body Taste Better’ or ‘Fifty Ways To Cook Your Penis.’

Farmers would have to surround their farms with tall fences with barbed wire at the top and hire armed guards to protect their crops and livestock. Cows and sheep would have personal bodyguards when they would be let out into the fields, with orders to shoot on sight anyone who would approach the animals. Trucks would deliver groceries to supermarkets accompanied by security vehicles or police cars.

Food auctions will be held at Sotheby’s and Christie’s where astronomical prices would be paid for delicacies. ‘Do I hear a hundred thousand and ten for this beautiful Italian sausage?’ the auctioneer will ask the people in the hall. ‘No? Going, going, gone. Item one hundred and twelve, Italian sausage, sold for a hundred thousand pounds sterling.’

Now, you probably think that I am making all this up? You may even think that I have gone over the top? But just you wait till the economic crisis really starts to bite. Then you know whether I am inventing things or not.

– End –

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