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Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team.

August 28, 2009

Today we present more pearls of wisdom from the Stirring Trouble team. It is quite amazing that these otherwise unremarkable people, recovering alcoholics and sex addicts, come up with such brilliant stuff.Thrusting your hips is called ‘dancing’ in New York. In Moscow it is called ’sexual intercourse’.

It’s official: it is easier to buy drugs on Oxford Street in London than find a bottle of decent wine or Scotch.

Come to think of it, there is nothing more disappointing than a woman who is plain. Especially if she is attractive and plain. Then it is even worse.

The most annoying thing about women on mobiles is when they go through the check-outs at the supermarkets and continue talking non-stop.

There are disturbingly high numbers of people on twitter who say they love coffee. Are u all guys working for the Columbians by any chance?

I’m really getting fed up with all that praise for Ronald Reagan from people posing as ‘conservatives’. Reagan was a disaster for America!

I’ll say this to all u skateboarders: you are disgusting people who make noises just to upset others. You are lowlifes. OK?

Well, I thought the fight between West Ham and Millwall fans was more exciting than the game itself. Shame there were no replays.

All you men and women who have not had sex for the past six months: tough luck! Need to watch the box less.

All you people who are following Paris Hilton and Britney Spears can take your medication now. On the count of four. Four!

Great songs have been written in the past. And then some lowlife who calls himself a ‘rap artist’ comes along and destroys one.

A friend, a wise man, says that he can convert an atheist into a believer in 30 minutes. Richard Dawkins? I ask. 30 minutes, he says.

One of the stupidest TV series I’ve seen is Burn Notice. This is serious brain dead stuff. Line Nip/Tuck and Desperate Housewives.

The best way to cure a panic attack is to get drunk as hell and simply forget about it.

So what do I buy in London, one rich Russian asked me. Buy a casino, I said. And turn it into a library. He didn’t get it.

Inglourious Basterds is to cinema what Hurricane Bill is to construction. What impotence is to a loving relationship. They all suck.

Please define Religious Left. Left cannot be religious. It’s a contradiction in terms. It’s like an ‘honest hooker’.

Jimmy Carr is to comedy what Hurricane Bill is to the construction industry. Or X-Factor to pop music. Or impotence to marriage.

If anyone in Russia would have dared to make a cartoon like American Dad in the US they would have had their dicks torn off.

Being on the Right doesn’t mean getting obsessed with criticising the Left. The thing is to improve yourself.

How come Muslims do not object to that creep Richard Dawkins peddling his atheist stuff? It’s their God too, he’s attacking, isn’t it?
Fat ugly people demand that they are called obese and beautiful.

Don’t you just love the way the US Federal Reserve pretends that the economy is getting better. Who’s paying them to lie?

British pop sensation, Tom Jones, says he’s getting no younger. Screaming during sex has taken a strain on my voice, he says.

To all you otherwise healthy young men who find it sometimes hard to get aroused. Eat 100 grams of sour cream. Wait for 20 min. Proceed.

I said it once and I’ll say it again: 95 per cent of people you meet in business are, at best, timewasters and, at worst, con-artists.

Now let me get this straight: the insurance giant AIG gets $180 billion as bail out from the state and makes $1,82 profit. Pure Marxism.

Bankers of the world, unite! And screw those customers of yours with more vigour. You haven’t got much time left, you punks.

What the governments in the U.S. and Britain don’t understand is that if they don’t punish the bankers the people will do it for them.

Just like shoes say a lot about a woman a tie says practically everything about a man.

Women in their 40s who have long hair – well below shoulder length – look odd.

Imagine: a police raid in the City of London. Bankers arrested, documents seized, illegal proceeds confiscated. That’s how it should be.

TV companies around the world lay off journalists and technicians but all the useless top directors with their huge salaries stay. Bizarre.

During one of the most crippling recessions in history politicians are all away on holiday. The creeps have no shame.

In central London dozens of mini-cab drivers are women driving good cars. Hubbies have lost their jobs and wives are now earning money.

The Internet is digging its own grave by promoting mediocrity. Anyone who promotes mediocrity eventually crashes.

As people grow older and wiser they, strangely enough, sweat less and smell better. However, if they age and not grow wiser they stink.

Somebody asked as wise man recently: what could be fun for all the family? A bank robbery, he said.

An activity that can be fun for all the family: selling counterfeit cigarettes.

And another fun thing for all the family to enjoy: not using F-words

Finally, one more thing that could be fun for the whole family: burning Harry Potter books.

According to banking manual there are more way to rip off customers than sexual positions.

Dumb people cannot ever master two things: lovemaking and driving.

The first and most important rule of using the Internet: never discuss members of your family.

Statistics were invented by the ancient Greeks to legitimise lying. But then they were pagans.

Femida, the goddess of justice, has a blindfold. That is no way to run things in court. That is why modern justice is a joke.

Every time someone dies from drinking the devils dances a victory dance. He’s been dancing a lot recently.

People who work out a lot forget one thing: the most important ‘muscle’ in the body is the brain and it has to be exercised all the time.

Keeping a straight face while talking rubbish has become a profession. Just look at all the world leaders.

The one thing that mankind has learnt: all great discoveries usually turn out to be either hoaxes or mistakes.

Capitalism in the 20th century developed into communism without anyone noticing it.

The old Chinese torture of 10,000 cuts has been implemented by China on the West. By flooding it with tens of thousands of badly made goods.

Supporters of assisted suicide do not understand one thing: it will come to haunt them.

Elected politicians should all first spend time in jail. So that they know what can happen to them if they get caught stealing public money.

The problem with pop music is that it now resembles the sound of a construction site.

– End –

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