More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 30, 2009

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present a new selection of spoof breaking news, brought to you by the Stirring Trouble team.Breaking News: Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, maker of Viagra, promises a free erection to every Irishman who will vote ‘yes’ in the forthcoming referendum on the EU Lisbon treaty. Breaking News: Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, the face of the ‘Yes’ campaign in the referendum on the Lisbon treaty, says that just because he looks like an alcoholic does not mean that he IS one. Breaking News: The European Commission denies reports that it has given Ireland so much money to approve the Lisbon treaty that it has gone bankrupt. Breaking News: Leading Hollywood directors add their voices to the call by the International Union of Child Molesters to free Roman Polanski after his arrest... 

The BBC Should Offer Me To Replace Jonathan Ross. Because I’m Better On TV

September 30, 2009

The BBC Should Offer Me To Replace Jonathan Ross. Because I’m Better On TV

The BBC should ask me to replace Jonathan Ross and host BBC1′s evening chat show on Friday evenings. Why? Because I am much better doiung comedy stuff, I am more intelligent and I have things to say that would interest viewers. Ross has been getting away with his mediocre performances for too long. The BBC should be ashamed that it is using some third-rate entertainer to host a programme at prime time on Friday. His sense of humour is primitive and he has been resorting to toilet jokes and foul language to attract the attention of the lowest common denominator. Intelligent people do not watch his programmes. There bore them to death. Are there any more reasons why I would be better than Ross? First of all, and I am not saying this lightly, practically anyone could be better than Ross.... 

China Goes On Parade. Nothing Is Left to Chance

September 30, 2009

China Goes On Parade. Nothing Is Left to Chance

Martin McCauley writes: The military parade marking the 60th anniversary of the People’s Republic of China on October 1 will be the greatest and most impressive ever assembled. The Chinese press has reported already that 52 new weapons systems will be on display on 30 vehicles and in 12 air formations. New uniforms will be worn and newly painted equipment will be on show. The parade will include elements of all Chinese forces, not merely the People’s Liberation Army (PLA). The loyalty of the armed forces is pledged to the Communist Party of China, not the state. The main mission of these forces, according to President Hu Jintao, is to protect and defend the leading role of the party. Every formation, except for the guard of honour, will be headed by two high ranking officers on... 

Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 29, 2009

Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present a new selection of spoof breaking news, brought to you by the Stirring Trouble team.Breaking News: International Union of Child Molesters says that film director Roman Polanski is a victim of injustice. He did what any member of our union would have done in his position, IUCM says. Breaking News: European Union comes out with a report on the war between Russia and Georgia last year and insists that it needs to see an exact rerun of events to establish who was to blame. Breaking News: U.S. President Barack Obama reveals that he is flying to Copenhagen this week to pitch for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics, and watch some eye-popping hot Danish porn. Breaking News: White House admits that despite widespread fraud and vote rigging during the recent presidential election in Afghanistan... 

Gordon Brown’s Speech At The Labour Party Conference Was A Disgrace

September 29, 2009

Gordon Brown’s Speech At The Labour Party Conference Was A Disgrace

R.F.Wilson writes: Let me tell you something about left-wing parties: it has always been the case that when socialists were in power in Europe, sensible economics and fiscal discipline were thrown out of the window, the interests of the majority of people were ignored, poverty always got worse and crime levels went through the roof. And it was only once elections would approach that these left-wing hypocrites would start to declare their readiness to improve the economy, help the sick and the poor, fight crime and generally make life better. Left-wing politicians would never accept that their own policies contribute to the economic woes, to the growing gap between the rich and the poor, to the moral collapse and the rise of crime and disorder. The Left’s tendency to waste money on social... 

Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 28, 2009

Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present another selection of breaking news items from the Stirring Trouble team. Makes life a bit easier on a Monday.Breaking News: International Union of Child Molesters denounces the arrest of famous film director Roman Polanski in Switzerland as barbaric and inhumane. Breaking News: Roman Polanski says that as paedophiles are a minority he considers himself to be a victim of racism. Breaking News: Hollywood issues a statement saying that it stands firmly behind arrested film director Roman Polanski. We know exactly how he feels, Hollywood moguls say. Breaking News: French government says that it views Roman Polanski as a victim of a cunning 13-year old temptress, who seduced him and then dumped him. Breaking News: Iran’s military deny that the missiles they have tested wiped... 

Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 27, 2009

Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present another selection of breaking news items from the Stirring Trouble team. Great stuff to read on a Sunday. Breaking News: U.S. President, Barack Obama, reveals that his hugely successful campaign slogan ‘Yes we can’ has been quietly ditched in favour of the slogan ‘Yes we can, but not now.’ Breaking News: The people of Pittsburgh, the city that hosted the G20 summit, admit that they were impressed by the way world leaders enjoyed themselves greatly while deciding absolutely nothing. Breaking News: U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, tells StirringTrouble that she is now in her sexual prime. Breaking House: The White House reveals that its economic policy is based on bailing out the banks and letting all the rest struggle for survival in the spirit of the... 

Bond and Beyond: Agent 007 And His Cars

September 27, 2009

Bond and Beyond: Agent 007 And His Cars

R. F. Wilson writes: Ian Fleming, begetter of James Bond, wrote that ‘all motorists are vain about their cars.’  The ex-Reuters and The Sunday Times man, known in Fleet Street as ‘Lady Rothermere’s Fan’, due to his affair with the wife of Lord Rothermere (proprietor of the paper), was also a fancier of fast cars. Fleming first exceeded 100 mph, reverentially known in the language at the time as ‘the ton’, in the cockpit of a borrowed Bugatti. Yet it was a lowly Standard Tourer, driven at breakneck speed, which opened the casebook of the writer’s motor cars. A black liveried sporting Buick followed, reflecting his passion for American cars, succeeded by something of a rarity in the form of a Graham Paige (a hybrid make, now long forgotten), a mass-produced... 

Space Exploration Can Wait. Let’s First Solve Problems Closer To Home

September 27, 2009

Space Exploration Can Wait. Let’s First Solve Problems Closer To Home

R.F.Wilson writes: This has got to be some sort of a joke: and Indian lunar satellite, Chandrayaan-1, sensationally spots ‘traces of water’ on the Moon and all the scientific community immediately goes berserk, demanding that more money is spent on space exploration. What is even more puzzling is that out of nowhere come claims that two American space probes have also picked up traces of water in the Moon’s vicinity, one earlier this year and the other several years ago. Now, when you hear the word ‘water’ you probably imagine things like lakes or rivers or ponds or at least puddles. But we are not talking here about such quantities of water. The Moon, so that you know, is as dry as a desert. Even dryer. So when scientists talk about ‘traces of water’, they mean... 

Loan Sharks Smash Their Own Record In Rate Of Lending

September 27, 2009

Loan Sharks Smash Their Own Record In Rate Of Lending

Thomas Mathew writes: I have already drawn the attention of our readers to the scandalously high rates of interest being advertised in our national newspapers by loan sharks. Two weeks ago the record for the highest rate of APR was held by PAYDAY UK at 1737 per cent. However, this record has not just been beaten, it has been smashed. This morning I received an unsolicited e-mail from another firm called WONGA. In large type were the words APPLY NOW! Under this was written: ‘Cash in your account within minutes Unique, flexible loans that you control No meetings, phone calls or faxing Confidential and secure service ‘Wonga makes it easy and you choose how much to borrow and when to pay it back. Application involves a quick online credit check, so taking and repaying a loan on time will have... 

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