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Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 20, 2009


Today we present some of the pearls of wisdom from the Stirring Trouble team. These are the same people who come up with the breaking news items.

As people get older and wiser they have less and less friends. But if they age and not get wiser they get more friends than before.

When a man says he is handsome, he is just a fool. When a woman says she is beautiful, she is desperate.

In business 90 per cent of people you meets are time wasters, at best, and con-artists, at worst.

Most politicians know that they are where they are either as a result of foul play or pure chance. That is why they are always afraid to be found out.

The problem with Andy Murray, Britain’s highest ranked tennis player ever, is that he has the charisma of a toilet seat.

Women, remember: men attach more importance to sex as they grow older. If you avoid your bedroom duties, you will pay a high price.

The recession has well and truly arrived in London: high class hookers are struggling to find customers, and are slashing theit prices.

From the torture chamber of the KGB comes a new single: No Please, Not The Genitals.

Is it not amazing how 900 million people in India failed to notice the economic boom that has been ravaging the nation?

London has become so overcrowded that a small nuclear strike is probably in order. Is it going to be China or North Korea?

We should all apply for Irish citizenship and vote ‘no’ in the forthcoming referendum on the Lisbon treaty.

Pity the society that makes role models out of movie actors, TV presenters and footballers. The end must be nigh.

The reason why there are so many marketing and advertising experts about is because you really do not need to know anything to become one.

If people who give money to charities ever bother to check how their money is spent they would be very upset.

All of you women who dream of having sex with movie stars: remember, many of them have chronic sexually transmitted deceases.

There are two ways to respond to the saying ‘we only live once’: either you become a total shit or you help out other people.

All those campaigns against bullying are useless. Kids never tell grownups that they are bullied. That is how it is.

Samuel L.Jackson should be given an Oscar. For being exactly the same in every role. A great achievement. Not many actors can do that.

Lowlifes cannot stand the vibes of classical music. They started playing Mozart at one London railway station and all muggers were gone.

It is amazing how some people fall under the influence of paganism. It is like being able to read and deciding to forget how to do it.

As they say in Russia: there ain’t such a thing as an ugly broad. There’s simply not enough vodka.

You have to pay £8 to drive into central London. Similar to the way warlords in Afghanistan charge travellers passing through their turf.

Ladies! Let’s get this straight: you can arouse your partners by applying pressure to three points south of the bellybutton. Commence.

Someone once called MTV the fifth column of bad taste.

If someone makes a billion or two or three it simple means that he stole them from the rest of us. It’s as straightforward as that.

CD for persistent idiots: Sounds Of The Construction Site: The Best Of. Part 2.

As you listen to some priests talk about religion you think: they should have been in banking. They not know what they are saying.

Whenever some people say that Karl Marx was right about capitalism being ineffective it is usually the case that they have not read him.

The less middlemen there are between the producers of goods and consumers the better the system works. The current one is hopeless.

I bumped into some Russian heavies I know at the airport today. It is remarkable how some Russian faces can terrify the life out of people.

To all you cops, firemen and ambulance drivers: just because you have sirens and flashing lights doesn’t mean you should drive like maniacs.

Women! Do not go to bed with bankers. Let the horny weasels pay for their sins.

If you ask me what sort of business would be profitable in the next couple of years I would say running a protection racket should be just fine.

In case you are wondering what most pop stars do between recordings: shag groupies, drink and take drugs. Hence the great tunes and lyrics.

It is hard to understand why so many people considered George Bush to be right-wing, conservative and religious. He was none of these things.

The horny mafia has convinced some women that sleeping around and getting their kit off at every opportunity is somehow liberating. Weird.

I think that President Obama needs to stop reading from the script all the time. He will soon be using teleprompters to talk to his wife.

Whatever David Beckham wears, even Armani shorts, he still looks like a waiter. No offence to waiters.

– End –

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