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Ad Men Told To Keep Their Volume Down. Why Stop There?

November 22, 2009

Ad Men Told To Keep Their Volume Down. Why Stop There?Rejoice! Finally, someone in the Broadcasting Committee on Advertising Practice – yes, there is such a committee in Britain and, yes, it monitors TV ads – has realised that there is something seriously wrong with all the adverts on TV, i.e. that the level of sound in them is much louder than in the programmes themselves.

You know, when you have to turn the volume down during commercial breaks because the sound is simply way too loud. Way, way too loud. And the message that is conveyed in this loud manner, let us be blunt about it, is usually not very exciting. It is about some fizzy drink being, well, fizzy basically, or about some cheap looking car being as good as a limousine, or it is about some ready meals, or chocolates, or beer, or shampoo all being great and tasty and wonderful.

So from now on advertisers will not be allowed to pump up the volume, so to speak, in their ads and keep the sound on the level of other programmes. You might say, of course, that it should have been done ages ago. But let us still be grateful to the fine people from BCAP because they might have just ignored all these noisy ads and we would have had to suffer for many more years to come.

I suppose we have to tolerate advertising on TV because it supposedly allows companies to promote their products or their services and keep us all aware of top brand names being there for us. But do they really have to be so in your face, all these ads, so aggressive in their insistence that you buy this or that and buy it now?

And do we need to look at all these deeply unpleasant people wearing insincere smiles and pretending that what they are plugging is the best in the world? And what about these so-called celebrities, who advertise tea, coffee, crisps or face cream and who pretend that they know what they are talking about and demand that we dash to the shops to buy something simply because they supposedly prefer it?

I think that the Broadcasting Committee on Advertising Practice should go much further than just limiting the noise levels in TV adverts and introduce other restrictions on the ad men so that they could no longer make life miserable for TV audiences.

Let us start with dumping this whole ‘sex sells’ thing. Honestly, who on earth falls for that rubbish and buys things just because a scantily clad busty babe appears in the advert? So what if she licks a chocolate bar in a suggestive manner, or eats a yogurt and pretends that she is close to having an orgasm, or strokes a car, a washing machine or a piece of furniture as if expecting to get an erection out of them? Or why would it look convincing if some hunk of a man, half naked or stark naked, peddles some fizzy drink, a cologne or, like in one recent commercial, a credit card, of all things? And what about those semi naked or naked couples, shoving their tongues down each other’s throats or touching each other in all sorts of places to promote some perfume?

Ad men must take people for total idiots if they think that all that sex stuff would work on them. It actually looks embarrassing and pathetic most of the time and, by the way, says a lot about the stupidity and arrogance of the advertisers themselves. Please, let’s keep the ‘sex sells’ formula for specific TV channels and magazines that attract a specific audience and readership commonly known as sad pathetic wankers (SPWs).

And then there are the TV ads that advertise women’s tampons. Now, I’m no big expert on the subject but as I understand it the market leader in this field is the brand Always and it comes in so many varieties, shapes and sizes that it is really amazing what a bit of imagination can do when it comes to women’s personal hygiene.

But do we all really need to know about these fine products? Isn’t it enough that women know where to buy them? It really looks very odd to see all those attractive females in TV ads and being told that they are feeling fresh all day and are totally unconstrained by their hygienic towels. Yep, constrained they ain’t and fresh they stay and good luck to them all.

But why not keep it between the sisters themselves and not spell it out for all of us? How would have women reacted to an ad which would have said something like: ‘Men! Do you masturbate a lot? Well, here is a cream for you that keeps your right hand – or left if you’re left handed or kinky – soft and smooth whatever time it takes you to reach an orgasm. Buy it at any chemist or supermarket.’ And there would be a smiling guy in the ad, who feels fresh and free and shows off his soft and smooth hand or hands.

And then, of course, there is all that lying in ads: blatant, unashamed, indiscriminate lying about the products and services that are being flogged. Buy our washing powder – it gets your whites even whiter. Or, our paper towels are stronger than other brands and they last longer, even when wet. Or, our bank is better than others because we really care for our customers. Or, our creams are magical – they help stop wrinkles appearing and reduce the signs of aging.

I’m sorry, but washing powders are all exactly the same, and all paper towels are made out of, well, paper and they don’t last long once they get wet. And banks are all exactly the same – greedy, indifferent, obsessed with getting as much money as possible out of their customers. And creams don’t prevent wrinkles and they don’t reduce the signs of aging.

The worst of them are the ads for money lending companies that advertise loans ‘to consolidate all your debts and reduce your monthly payments’. These disgusting people, these loan sharks should be banned from advertising on TV, if only not to see the faces of all the ‘satisfied customers’, who tell us that they needed to make only one phone call for their loans to be approved.

Where the hell do they find these pathetic people who all look as if they are suffering from some permanent hangover? What these ads don’t say is that the loans these companies are offering would be secured on the properties that people own and the interest rate would be much higher than if you take out a proper mortgage and that these loan sharks will go after their customers like a pack of wolves at the first sign that they are falling behind with their repayments.

Ban these ads! Ban them now!

And if you ask me, I would also ban all ads for junk food. All of them. Why is it that cigarette adverts have been banned from TV for good and yet, junk food, which is no less dangerous for your health and especially for your children’s health, is being peddled every day at all times? Let’s have some sense of balance here. Let’s think about the kids first and about the profits of ad men and junk food chains second.

And, by the way, once we are on the subject of junk food, I think it’s high time to carry out an independent enquiry and check, in a proper laboratory, what is it exactly that goes into it. Because the smell that comes out of all these fast food restaurants and cafes is simply horrendous.

But back to advertising or, rather, non-advertising, because there are more and more ads appearing on TV now which fall into the category of adverts for adverts’ sake. You know, the ones when you don’t really understand what the hell is it that they are selling. It’s considered, for some reason, to be very chic nowadays to show different images of people, mumbling something incoherent, and then, at the very end, half whisper the name of some perfume or aftershave or, strangely enough, of an alcoholic beverage, like it happened earlier this year with a Russian vodka advertising campaign.

This is considered super cool by the connoisseurs of advertising. ‘What do they understand, these common people,’ I can hear some advertising exec saying. ‘Let’s introduce these brutes to some culture.’ And all the people around the table nod energetically and say, ‘Yes, let’s do that, let’s give them some idea of what real art is all about.’ All these ‘classy’ ads in reality make no sense at all and should be confined to all those strange festivals where they actually give awards to the ‘best’ TV ads.

And then there is the music in ads. Please, please, all you people in the Broadcast Committee on Advertising Practice, please, put an end to this practice of annoying tunes and songs being used in advertisements, which then become chart hits and propel mediocre bands into the limelight, and, as a result, we all have to suffer twice as much by hearing their stupid songs not only on television but also on the radio and from cars with speakers in their boots.

If we accept advertising on TV as a necessary evil let’s at least make it less annoying than it is now.

– End–

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