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The Delta Terrorist Incident: What Are The Options To Make Air Travel More Unpleasant

December 29, 2009

Dan Majestic writes from America: So, what options are open to US authorities and airlines in the light of the attempted terrorist attack on a Delta passenger plane that was flying from Europe to Detroit?We have already heard from that brave man, US President Barack Obama, who interrupted his holiday to promise increased security on all flights to America from abroad. He also said other things that obviously made every Muslim terrorist think very hard before attempting anything nasty. The US will not rest until all individuals linked to the latest attack would be found, Mr Obama implied.

People like Osama Bin Laden can attest to that: the US government does not like to pussyfoot and throw its words to the wind. If it says it’s going to catch someone, it does just that. In some cases, at least.

But what are the options that the US authorities are looking at now?

Well, our sources tell us that air marshals would, from now on, comprise at least half of the passengers on board every flight. Some flights might even have only a few passengers and the rest would be highly trained individuals, watching their every move.

As the suspected Nigerian terrorist on the fateful Delta flight spent twenty minutes in the toilet, constructing the explosive device, parts of which were craftily sewn into his underpants, video cameras will probably be installed in the cubical, for everyone on the plane to see what their fellow passengers are up to in the shitter. No one would be allowed to use the toilets for longer than 30 seconds, a period of time, according to experts, too short construct any sort of devise.

Air travellers would be told from now on to go commando, i.e. wear no underwear, and babies would be searched extensively, as everyone knows that a lot of explosive materials can be hidden in their pampers. Parents would be advised to leave their small children at home, to save time at the check-up, or send them to the places of their destination by secure postage.

Another cunning and effective way to prevent terrorist blowing up planes would be to force all passengers to fly separately from their hand luggage, travelling on different flights, preferably to different countries. The logic here is crystal clear: if you fly to the United States, while your hand luggage goes to Japan, you would not be able to bring anything lethal on board with you.

Flying in the nude is another option that security experts would be obviously looking into. Naked passengers, as the old saying goes, can’t hide any explosives in their clothing. This is a wise saying, attributed, by the way, to some ancient Greek philosopher, who had obviously foreseen possible problems with air travel in the distant future. Nude flights could actually become quite popular among passengers, opening all sorts of possibilities for people, who like to show off their bodies and see what others have to offer.

Farting might be forbidden during flights, as a simple lighter or a burning match can lead to devastating developments. Anyone, who has seen stupid comedy films, will know how dangerous it could be. The napalm type of effect could obviously engulf the whole plane in hysterical laughter that might result in a massive consumption of alcohol.

Banning air travel to the US altogether is another possibility. Planes would fly out, never to return. It would be one way traffic, with people coming back by any means that they would find. Two birds could be hit here with one stone: more planes would have to be built in the US, creating millions of jobs, and less Americans would travel, cutting down their carbon emissions.

A straightforward way would be to ask every passenger boarding the planes bound for the US whether he or she was a terrorist, but there is always a possibility that some people, who drink a lot before boarding planes, being afraid of flying, could invent stories about themselves and keep the air marshals on the edge for no reason at all.

Some cynical people are saying that the best way out is to continue as it is at the moment and have the security measures in place that have seemed to work well for the past whatever years. But these are naïve people, who don’t the dangers that exist and who probably want passengers to enjoy air travel.

Whatever the decisions, flying promises to be an even more unpleasant experience in the near future.

– End –

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