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Crisis In Labour Party Caused By Lack Of Beautiful People In Its Ranks

January 9, 2010

Labour Front Bench Adam Lovejoy writes: The current leadership crisis in the Labour party is caused by Gordon Brown’s lack of physical beauty, sources in Westminster have revealed to StirringTroubleIntenationally. The recent attempt by Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt to unsettle Mr Brown, by pointing to fellow party members that he simply doesn’t have the looks to lead Labour to defeat in May, is a testament to the shortage, some even say non-existence, of any attractive people in Labour’s cabinet to become its new leader.

Most Labour MPs, it seems, think that opposition leader, David Cameron, with all his obvious handicaps, still looks like a stud compared to Brown. ‘Cameron could pose for Playgirl any day,’ one Labour backbencher, or benchbacker, as some people call them, said. ‘But Gordon simply isn’t made of the same stuff. He looks revolting, to be brutally honest. Not to mention his terrible choice of ties and policies. How on earth does he hope to be an effective leader of the opposition? And when will he stop chewing a used condom all the time?’

When indeed.

Our sources have also told us – well, me, actually – that the crisis in the Labour party is exasperated by the fact that there’s not a single handsome bloke or pretty lass among the Labour backbenchers in the Commons. All of them look like former communist party apparatchiks or trade union officials, which actually most of them are anyway. The so-called ‘Blair’s babes, as the women MPs were known in the good old days of Labour’s massive majority in parliament, were selected on the basis of their loyalty to the saintly one and not their looks. As a result, Labour benches are populated by women who look and dress like communist commissars. As one source told us, ‘on some days you wouldn’t get a whiff of proper perfume from that lot.’ ‘Some of them look like men in drag,’ he added, ‘and I suspect that some of them are actually men. Tony, you know, liked that sort of thing.’

He did indeed.

As for male Labour MPs, well, the feeling is that with that lot what you see is what you get. Grey, uninspiring people, in badly tailored suits, worn to prove that they don’t accept any illegal payments, reading from prepared texts all the time most, ready to sell their mothers for a quick buck and getting drunk on subsidised booze in the Common’s canteen. Nothing to write home about, to be honest, or even to the Committee on Standards in Public Life.

Which brings me to the cabinet, or the frontbench, as some smartarses like to call it. There is not a single mug there that you can rest your gaze on, and feel at ease. David Miliband, the supposedly young and handsome Foreign Secretary, actually looks very odd and is rumoured to wear a wig and get his suits from a local morgue. Ed Balls, Miliband’s hated enemy, looks like a Nazi officer, a fact that might not brush off very well on the whole party. Not to mention that he married for money.

Alistair Darling, the Chancellor, not only has a silly name but is also known to wear artificial eyebrows and have a silly walk. Not forgetting that he is a fan of Karl Marx and has never been accused of straying, a disturbing fact, considering that he is married to his mother. Alan Johnson, the supposedly favourite among Labour MPs, is, quite frankly, revolting, with red spots appearing on his face every time he gets excited about something. Jack Straw, the Justice Minister, would not be suitable to run any party, because of his deeply unpleasant looks and horsy teeth and gross illiteracy. Harriet Harman, the Leader of the Commons, looks like a dodo bird, and would not be able to compete with Cameron, should he decide to become a cross-dresser and wear women’s clothes. Alan Bradshaw, the Culture Secretary, might have qualified for the title of the most handsome man on the Labour frontbench, but in the evenings he starts to resemble a vampire, so much so that even people who know him get slightly put off by that, or off put, as some classy punks tend to say nowadays.

Off put indeed.

Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, looks plain and has no ambitions to lead the party, due to his past indiscretions: he was born in Scotland and was rumoured to favour bestiality, like most Scotsmen do.
The lack of beautiful people on Labour’s benches in the Commons has been causing a simmering crisis ever since that sex god of politics, Tony ‘five-times-a-night’ Blair, had to move to greener pastures, to make some money on his treacheries that he committed while in office. And that other hunk, Peter Mandelson, is firmly based in the House of Lords, so there’s no hope of him of grabbing the leadership on the basis of his physical beauty. Plus, he is a militant heterosexual, keeping a Brazilian boyfriend as a distraction from his strong views on family life and marriage.

Marriage indeed.

Sources have told STI that a plan is being discussed at the moment to offer supermodel, Naomi Campbell, a quick entry, in a non-sexual way, into the Commons, using a by-election triggered by the death of a Labour MP, and a quick promotion to the post of Labour leader and Prime Minister. But questions remain whether Ms Campbell will be strong on fiscal policy and not reveal too much flesh at Prime Minister’s Question Time. Plus, Ms Campbell is seriously into religion, a fact that can damage the party’s standing as a deeply anti-religious force in politics.

It appears that the lack of beautiful people within the parliamentary Labour party might prove to be decisive in the forthcoming elections.

– End –

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2 Responses to “Crisis In Labour Party Caused By Lack Of Beautiful People In Its Ranks”

  1. Welshcakes Limoncello on January 9th, 2010 12:50 am

    Brilliant! You have given me a great laugh. I’m so glad someone else thinks A Darling has a silly name! Me, I don’t have a silly name at all….

  2. Annie on January 17th, 2010 11:51 pm

    Adam, you slay me! You deserve an award for being truly funny.

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