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More Breaking News Items: From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present another selection of breaking news items. From the editorial office of the Stirring Trouble team in the leafy suburb of London. People ask us do the team members have an alcohol dependency problem. Of course they do, we say to that. And many, many more other problems.

Breaking News: President Barack Obama says that his priority now is rebuilding Haiti. If I lose the next election I can always move to live there, he says.

Breaking News: Vice President Joe Biden threatens to visit Haiti and sort things out there himself.

Breaking News: Secretary of State Hilary Clinton reveals that it was awesome to visit Haiti and wear something different every hour.

Breaking News: George Bush says he enjoyed that Haiti stunt outside the White House with President Obama and Bill Clinton. We said things we didn’t mean, he explained. And that brought back memories.

Breaking News: Pentagon says US forces landed in Haiti without a problem. One man’s humanitarian operation is another man’s invasion, Pentagon says.

Breaking News: UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon admits that his visit to Haiti was planned with military precision: not a step made without photographers being there.

Breaking News: UN says the earthquake in Haiti is a scream. What can be more fulfilling that a natural disaster in an impoverished nation with a limitless capacity to absorb aid, UN says.

Breaking News: There’s money to be made in Haiti, international charities say. The opportunities are endless, reveals one charity director.

Breaking News: Bill Clinton reveals that since the earthquake in Haiti his chat up lines in bars have become less quirky. I’m the UN special envoy to Haiti, he says. I have things on my mind.

Breaking News: Hollywood celebs announce that they are donation load of money to Haiti. But on condition that the press reports about it extensively.

In other news:

Breaking News: President Barack Obama gives his wife, Michelle, a present on her birthday: a vow of celibacy.

Breaking News: White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel has been offered a part in a new vampire flick. He looks so evil, it’s amazing, film producers say.

Breaking News: Prime Minister Gordon Brown reveals that as a boy he was a Peeping Tom and liked to watch men undress and talk about politics.

Breaking News: German Chancellor Angela Merkel denies reports that she is planning to stand down to become a highly sought escort.

Breaking News: George Bush denies he’s related to Osama Bin Laden. Just because I’m a practising Muslim, he says, doesn’t mean we’re next of kin.

Breaking News: FBI says if only Bin Laden wasn’t such a recluse his age enhanced image would have been much closer to the real thing. (Read a funny piece by Dan Majestic on the site.)

Breaking News: Asked to list her interests Sarah Palin names reading phone directories and being sincere as her favourite hobbies.

Breaking News: Rap fans demand more mention of penetrational sex in songs. We’re fed up with sissy lyrics from rappers, they say.

Breaking News: Russian mob says it feels outclassed by the banker boys. Man these guys are mean, mob says. We is pussies compared to ‘em.

Breaking News: Asked what makes her so sexy and alluring on screen a famous Hollywood star says it’s the heavy make-up and the lighting. Plus the face lifts and the use of doubles in sex scenes.

Breaking News: Hollywood celebs announce that they are donation load of money to Haiti. But on condition that the press reports about it extensively.

– End –

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