Give Kids Credit Cards, Say Mobsters. So They Can Buy As Much Junk Food As They Want

January 20, 2010

Dan Majestic writes: Poll conducted among gangsters in Europe has shown that they have a soft spot for kiddies. Five out of every seven criminals, polled both on the inside (that’s in jail) and on the outside, said they think that kids should have as much junk food as they want from the earliest age.

As one mobster, Billy ‘Bonecrusher’ Jenkins, explained, kids need a lot of ‘f..king vitamins’ that come in junk food. ‘I’ve always eaten that shit when I was a kid and I feel great now,’ he said. ‘Look at my fists. They’ve become huge from eating burgers and chips, and I used ‘em a lot to get things done. Every kid should have a chance to have fists like me.’

Bobby ‘Shotgun’ McCrystal, currently on the run for pulling off a bank job, said that junk food helps people to get the right attitude. ‘You need to have an attitude problem to be in my line of work,’ Bobby explained. ‘Can’t rob a bank if you don’t have a twisted attitude.’

Let’s hope all of the kids out there who want to become bank robbers take this point on board.

Many other heavies, who took part in the poll, admitted that if they had had the chance of eating as much junk food as they wanted when they were little they’d probably have not chosen a life of crime, but actually worked hard, settled down and had families of their own. One white collar criminal, Jimmy the Jackal, said: ‘I’ve never had a chance to go into a hamburger joint when I was a kid and stuff myself with junk. And that made me bitter, and eventually I turned to crime.’ Hassan ‘Buttercup’ Malone, a bank manager impersonator and a pickpocket on weekends, said that if he’d have had as much junk food as he wanted in his youth he’d have probably been in the loony bin by now and not swindle pensioners out of their savings to finance his expensive tastes.

But how, you may ask, can young children afford all that junk food? All gangsters, who took part in the poll, said that kids need to have their own credit cards. André ‘Shifty Eyes’ Ruches, a thief from Holland, said that he was forced to steal burgers from other kids when he was a kid. ‘It was tough,’ Andr é said. ‘I was five or six then, with a criminal record, but no money, so stealing junk food was the only way for me to satisfy my addiction. If only I’d had a credit card then I would not be in the mess I’m in now.’

Tony ‘Dickhead’ Boloney was insistent that children as young as five should have credit cards. ‘It’s the age when these small shits want to have junk food all the time, innit?’ he said. I’ve heard that there’s dope in it, so they get hooked on it for good. And as these punks grow up they can buy themselves some decent shit with their credit cards.’

There’s a growing feeling among other groups of population, including politicians and bankers, that children should be having credit cards as early as possible. As one leading campaigner, Andrew Hardon, who works for the charity Kids Love Credit Cards, says, ‘It’s hardly credible to allow young children to shag and smoke and drink and yet deny them credit card. ‘I know I speak for many parents,’ Mr Hardon said, ‘when I say: give kids cards and let them learn to cope with debt from the earliest age.’

So there you have it. The public wants children to have their junk food and eat it.

– End –

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