Political Weather Forecasts. A New Rage In Britain?

February 28, 2010

Political Weather Forecasts.  A New Rage In Britain?

Dan Majestic writes: What if in the run up to the general election the weather forecasts in Britain would start to include descriptions of political clashes between the three major parties: Labour, Conservatives and Liberal Democrats? ‘With the election coming nearer,’ a pretty young thing would tell viewers excitedly on ITV, ‘gales of political correctness are expected to hit most parts of Britain, accompanied by heavy downpours of PC in marginal seats, with all three major parties saying that racism and homophobia are very bad, equal rights are good, welfare is sacred, cutting of public services is unacceptable, marriage is the founding stone of society and blah, blah blah… ‘In the South and South East,’ ‘the young pretty thing on ITV would continue, ‘sunny periods are expected,... 

White House Looks For A Quick Fix. And Finds It

February 28, 2010

White House Looks For A Quick Fix. And Finds It

Martin McCauley writes: Times are hard in America. Despite all the rubbish, coming from the government, experts and bankers about the recovery kicking in, the country’s economy is going down the toilet. President Barack Obama’s popularity has gone through the floor and confidence among Americans is at an all time low. Imagine a meeting in the White House involving the Chief of Staff and senior advisers. CoS: Guys, we’re in trouble. The economy is down and our people are miserable, including our beloved boss. What do we have to do to cheer them up? Voice: How about asking the Federal Reserve to print enough money to give every American a hundred grand? That’ll cheer them. CoS: I’m sure glad you’re not in charge of the Treasury or the Fed. If we did that the dollar would collapse... 

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

February 27, 2010

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more spoof breaking news items. From the Stirring Trouble team. Breaking News: Scandal erupts as White House is caught trying to sell the US presidency to a Russian oligarch for $10 billion. Breaking News: Documents reveal that Gordon Brown bankrupted Britain to feed his gambling addiction. Breaking News: Caught collectively masturbating, Dutch cabinet goes into hiding. Breaking News: NATO commanders reveal they always wear a condom when having anal sex with prostitutes. Breaking News: Argentinean President, Christina Fernandez, denies she is a sucker for a facelift. Breaking News: In a moment of madness and under the influence of drugs International Court in the Hague rules against itself. Breaking News: Serious erectile problems of some of the directors of the International... 

Gordon Brown Will Face Tough Questions When He Appears Before The Chilcot Inquiry

February 26, 2010

Gordon Brown Will Face Tough Questions When He Appears Before The Chilcot Inquiry

R.F.Wilson writes: Stop the presses! Stirring Trouble has obtained a leaked copy of the transcript of the opening questions and answers during Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s forthcoming appearance, on March 5, before the Chilcot inquiry into the war in Iraq. This document reveals the questions and answers that will feature during the first session of the hearings. It appears that Mr Brown and members of the panel will have the transcripts in front of them, so that the hearings seem natural and off the cuff. Sir John Chilcot: Prime Minister, we are deeply honoured to have you here today as a witness. You could have chosen to avoid this hearing, but you took the bold step of coming here and submitting yourself to our relentless questioning. PMB: That’s the sort of man I am, Mr Chairman: truthful,... 

What Tiger Could Have Said To The World. But Didn’t

February 25, 2010

What Tiger Could Have Said To The World. But Didn’t

Anton Goryunov writes: If you were like me, gripped with excitement while listening recently to Tiger Woods talk about his infidelity and apologising for sleeping around like a horny rabbit, you would probably be interested to know that the greatest living athlete had two drafts of his speech written for him in advance. And today I can reveal the rejected text. Hi there, people! I’m stud, you see. I didn’t take steroids, like many other athletes did, and that is why I was horny all the time. I sometimes had an erection all day and was forced to wear baggy trousers to hide it or miss tournaments altogether. I played hard and I played hard. That is to say, I gave my all to golf and I had to unwind afterwards to relax. Just like Bill Clinton did when he was President and would smoke a cigar... 

Imagine Turkey Reviving The Ottoman Empire

February 25, 2010

Imagine Turkey Reviving The Ottoman Empire

Martin McCauley writes: The news that former chiefs of the Navy and Air Force and many other military figures have been arrested in Turkey has sent shock waves through the country. Are the military preparing a coup against the civilian government of Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan? Imagine a meeting of the PM, his Cabinet and advisers to decide how to proceed. PM: ‘As you know, I gave orders to arrest many top military men and others because our intelligence services told me that something fishy was going on. How do we present this news to the Turkish people and the world?’ Voice: ‘We don’t want to give the impression that we and not the military are staging a coup. We want to give the impression that these military plotters are right wing extremists who do not believe in democracy.... 

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

February 23, 2010

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more spoof breaking news items. From the Stirring Trouble team. Breaking News: NATO says if Argentine attacks Britain the alliance won’t lift a finger. Our policy is to treat Britain as a hostile country, NATO says. Breaking News: Argentinean President, Christina Fernandez, reveals she had another facelift yesterday. In protest of the British occupation of Wales. Breaking News: International Court in the Hague rules new US embassy building in London will constitute crime against humanity. Breaking News: Serious erectile problems of some of the participants postpone a meeting of the Organisation of African Nations in Lusaka. Breaking News: Greek bankers are spotted leaving the country with one way tickets. Breaking News: US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke unveils... 

Niger Invents A New Political System: Capcom

February 23, 2010

Niger Invents A New Political System: Capcom

Martin McCauley writes: The military coup in Niger, a poor African state that is rich in uranium, sets a precedent. The men with guns can now take over any weak nation that has raw materials in plenty. Imagine a meeting of the military junta and advisers after the coup. General: ‘Messieurs, we’ve pulled it off. Congrats. We’re now running the joint. How do we stay afloat long enough to get filthy rich?’ Voice: ‘Monsieur le général, how should we address you? Monsieur le Dieu [God]; Monsieur le roi soleil [Sun King]..’ General: ‘I’d prefer le roi soleil. Call me Solly.’ Voice: ‘Solly, I suggest we tell our people that we had to overthrow the government because it was so corrupt and was robbing our people blind. They all had the same middle name:... 

Baroness Ashton Struts Her Stuff

February 22, 2010

Baroness Ashton Struts Her Stuff

Martin McCauley writes: That stunning bird, Baroness Ashton of Upholland (no, that’s not in the Netherlands but in Lancashire), is called the High Representative of the European Union. That impressive title merely means she is the EU’s foreign minister. As someone, who doesn’t speak any foreign languages and has never studied diplomacy or history, she is embarking on a voyage of discovery. Imagine a meeting she has with her top advisor in Brussels as she prepares for another week of hard graft. Baroness Ashton: ‘Right, let’s decide how we’ll influence the world this week. I haven’t had any time to read the newspapers so I need a little update. By the way, please don’t quote from Le Monde or Die Welt in their native tongue to patronise me. Say it in... 

Labour Chooses The American Way. With Jackie Wilson’s Song

February 21, 2010

Labour Chooses The American Way. With Jackie Wilson’s Song

Martin McCauley writes: Well, there you have it, we now know what Labour’s main tune would be during the election campaign: the song (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher And Higher, by Jackie Wilson.That was the track that was played yesterday, on Gordon Brown entering the hall in Coventry to deliver his message to Britain, the gist of which was: Trust me, I know things. Mr Brown was impressive and did a President Obama by reading from two teleprompters, discreetly positioned in front of him.  The speech went very well and got loads of coverage, with everyone being very impressed by the song that was played when the PM walked into the room, smiling broadly. ‘Your lo-o-o-ve keeps lifting meee hi-i-igher…’ Few people, though, knew how much work went into this slick presentation.... 

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