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How To Become A Pop Star. Tips For Beginners.

February 2, 2010

How To Become A Pop Star. Tips For Beginners Adam Lovejoy writes: Everybody wants to be a pop star these days. Ask any youngsters and they’ll tell you that they dream of pop stardom. And, judging by the success of TV song contests, it appears that it’s not only the young who are keen on becoming pop sensations. So here are some tips for aspiring pop stars of all ages and genders.

The first and most important thing to remember is that if you want to become a successful pop act you should have as less talent as possible, preferably even none at all. Because if it turns out that you actually can sing and, God forbid, write your own decent stuff, then you’ll probably never make it to the top. It is that simple. Just look at the current top acts and you’ll realise that talent and pop music just don’t mix.

Secondly, it would really help if you are thick. Have you noticed how many school dropouts have become huge stars of pop? They feel comfortable as pop singers and most fans can relate to them. So if you’re still young, start playing truant at school, if you want to become a pop star. And if you are slightly older, then stay away from any decent books and films, and never, I stress, never listen to classical music or jazz. They can only confuse you. Stick to simple things that you know and love.

I have to say a few words about dancing. I hope you realise that pop stars don’t really do dancing. They gyrate and shake their booty and thrust their hips and rub their genitals and wave their arms and basically horse around a lot. But they do not dance. So that is why anyone out there, who is hoping to become a pop star and is thinking of taking dancing lessons, should forget all about it. You will only ruin your chances of success.

Right, next come the lyrics. We are assuming here that someone else would write them for you so you just need to add your personal touch to the words. Introduce the word ‘baby’ liberally, as it fits quite well into any lyrics. ‘Babe’ is good too. And ‘ecstasy’ is another great word that many people feel comfortable with. And you would be well advised to deal with subjects that rotate around the crotch area, as in getting all horny and losing sleep because of some hot babe or handsome stud. That is what most pop music fans want to hear nowadays. No need to disappoint and confuse them with venturing into the unknown.

And now we come to the fundamentals of pop music stardom. Any self respecting pop star needs to have problems with drink and drugs. Don’t even think about a serious career in pop if you are not prepared to talk about your drinking and drug taking. Even if you don’t have a drink or drug problem, you still have to confess to having one. It is also important to be seen from time to time looking smashed and loaded, coming out of a night club. Getting busted by the cops for possessing drugs can boost your career prospects immensely.

Sleeping around, or at least being perceived to be sleeping around, is crucial. You have to be oversexed, or play up to it. And it also makes sense to hint that you’re playing for both teams, as they call it, as it will strengthen you standing in the charts.

As a pop star you have to be controversial. And that means that you have to swear a lot. Swearing in pop has always been considered highly controversial. Some pop stars achieved great fame all thanks to swearing all the time. It does not really matter if you make no sense. You fans will figure out what it is that you were actually saying. Don’t worry about it.

Tits and bums have to be revealed, if you are a female and aspiring to be a pop diva. In fact, if you have something to reveal, then you don’t really need to do pretty much anything else. Just gyrate and reveal, and maybe scream a bit. You’ll become a superstar in no time. Give them tits and bums. That is what they want. Who cares about the music?

And dress silly. Yes, that goes for both boys and girls. Just get the most bizarre clothes and put them on. You might think that you’d look stupid but for the fans out there this will be a fashion statement, a rebellion against the norm. And they will copy you, and love you for it.

OK, I think that would be enough for anyone to make it big in the pop music world. So don’t forget, if you are good in music and can actually sing and dance and write your own stuff then you should better be a bank clerk or a builder or a career criminal because your chances of making it big as pop singer would be close to nothing.

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