Browse > Home / Life In The UK / Government Sets Up Department for Assisted Suicides. Lord Jubilant Explains

Government Sets Up Department for Assisted Suicides. Lord Jubilant Explains

February 4, 2010

Losing Your Money Is Not The End Of The World. It’s A Tough Test, But You Can Pass It Thomas Mathew writes: Due to very limited public demand, and driven by pragmatic considerations, the Labour government announced the creation of the Department for Assisted Suicides, to champion and promote the cause of helping terminally ill and old useless people generally to end their lives in a dignified way, with the help of their loved ones or friends, who get tired of them or stand to benefit from their demise.

I met the Secretary for Assisted Suicides, Lord Antony Jubilant, to ask him what his new department will be doing to push through the idea of whacking people, left, right and centre. His Lordship, a butcher in his younger days, became a militant trade union activist and then rose through the Labour ranks. He holds strong views on many things, although it is quite difficult to pinpoint these views, like it’s the case with most Labour top guns.

I asked the Minister for Assisted Suicides first of all whether he was happy with his appointment.

‘Happy?’ Lord Jubilant said. ‘I’m jubilant. It’s the best job you can dream of. It’s got the support of the public, of the government and of parliament. Just look at the poll that was conducted by the BBC recently: 75 per cent came out in favour of assisted suicide. That’s a lot of people. That means our ideas about ending old people’s lives prematurely are supported across the board. And now it’s time to implement the big plan.’

I put it to Lord Jubilant that the idea was that assisted suicide was intended to apply to people who were terminally ill and not specifically old.

Lord Jubilant laughed at this.

‘Of course it’s all about old people,’ he said. ‘Who the hell needs them? They are a burden to society. They don’t produce anything but farts. Breaking wind all the time and complaining. Who needs them? Give them an assisted suicide of their choice and be done with it, I say.’
Has it anything to do with cutting the costs in NHS? I asked.

Lord Jubilant got very excited at that moment.

‘It’s a very good question,’ he said. ‘You might say, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Assisted suicide is about giving people more choice. They will be able to choose whether they want to live like vegetable or whether they can get whacked, in a tasteful, discreet way. But I would be lying to you if I wouldn’t say that the NHS is finding it tough to cope with looking after millions of old farts who, let’s face it, don’t really contribute anything to society. We simply can’t afford to spend so much money on caring for fertiliser, as I call them. We have wars to fight, bankers to sustain and African children to save. So it would be best for all if these useless oldies stop dragging us down. We need cuts in the NHS budget and assisted suicide is the best possible way out of it.’

But wasn’t there a danger, I asked Lord Jubilant, of relatives killing their next of kin who aren’t exactly old, to get their money and possessions.

‘Well, it’s always difficult to prevent dishonest people abusing the system,’ Lord Jubilant said. ‘But as they say, shit happens. And it will happen in this case as well.’

I then let Lord Jubilant talk about anything he wanted and he told me that he was very excited about the world renown writer, Terry Pratchett, giving the idea of assisted suicide such a powerful boost by declaring that he wanted to have a death worth dying for. ‘I love all of his books, even though I didn’t read any of them,’ Lord Jubilant said. ‘Terry wants to have the right to ask to be whacked when his Alzheimer’s gets the best of him and I think that it would be a beautiful end. Make no mistake, we will see to it that he gets the best possible funeral.’

I then asked Lord Jubilant about the writer Martin Amis and his recent idea that old people should be whacked as there are too many of them.

Yes, yes, Martin, is a great guy,’ Lord Jubilant said. ‘Imagine he came up with a brilliant idea of having booths for old people where they can commit suicide in the privacy of their… well, booth. These can be positioned everywhere across the land with the capacity increased to, oh I don’t know, tens of thousands a day? And then, of course, we could introduce labour camps – we are called Labour not for nothing, you know – for old people where they can work themselves to death. And why not, if they can at last bring some contribution to society before they perish.’

Finally, I asked Lord Jubilant whether the whole cabinet was supportive of assisted suicide.

‘We’re a collective of people who think along the same lines,’ he said. ‘Hundred per cent atheists, that’s us. It was a full show of hands when the matter was put forward at a cabinet meeting.’

– End –

Related posts:

  1. Royal College Of Nurses Drops It’s Opposition To Assisted Suicide. Nursing Will Never Be The Same Again

    R.F.Wilson writes: So, the Royal College of Nurses, the leading nursing union in Britain, has dropped its opposition to assisted suicide. I hope you, ladies,...

  2. Assisted Suicide? Someone Should Suggest To Labour To Whack Itself

    The debate about the right of terminally ill people to ask others to help them kill themselves, the so-called assisted suicide, has suddenly taken a...

  3. A Point About A Recent Spate Of Suicides Of Bankers: How About Calling In The KGB?

    We, at StirringTroubleInternationally, have already made out views known on suicides, generally, and among the money men, in particular. We said that we were...

  4. The British People Are Committing A Slow Political Suicide. Assisted By Labour

    Thomas Mathew writes: In a civilised country there should have been an uproar. A revolt, a rebellion, a revolution, an explosion of outrage. But not...

  5. Sky Was Wrong To Show The Moment Of Assisted Suicide. Dead Wrong

    I totally disagree with Sky’s decision to show the final moments of an assisted suicide on prime time television on Sky Real Lives. It...

Category: Life In The UK  · 2 Comments »
Tags: , ,

2 Responses to “Government Sets Up Department for Assisted Suicides. Lord Jubilant Explains”

  1. william turner on February 7th, 2010 6:28 pm

    assisted suiside would allow people to kill under the guise of mercy killing

  2. william turner on February 7th, 2010 6:32 pm

    let people who say they do it out of love take the consqueses of the law

Would you like to add a comment?