A Fly On The Wall Look At What The Chinese Leadership Is Up To

February 5, 2010

Martin McCauley writes: Imagine a scene is Zhongnanhai, the plush residence of the Chinese leaders in Beijing. They have gathered to consider what to do about recent American attempts to provoke tension between the two countries. The following exchanges take place:The President says: ‘Comrades, America is testing our patience. They are selling arms to Taiwan, telling us how to run our economy and demand that we allow total freedom on the Internet…’

Shouts from the floor: ‘Disgrace! How dare they, imperialist pigs! Let’s sell them poison goods!’

The President says: ‘I can understand you strong feelings, comrades. But strong measures and not a good option. The American model of capitalism has failed and ours is succeeding. They thought that free markets act in a rational manner, but we know they don’t. They have to be guided by the wise Communist Party, like it happens in our beloved country. What should we do?’

The Prime Minister replies: ‘We should take America head on and bring down their capitalist system. This can be done by cashing in over $1 trillion US government bonds that we own and pull out our investment. We also have the equivalent of over $3 trillion dollars in the Central Bank of China and we can flood the markets with them.’

Shouts from the floor: ‘Let’s bring the imperialist pigs down!’

The Prime Minister continues: ‘We can ruin America and become the leading country in the world. We were planning to dominate the word in 2030 anyway, but my plan will allow us to become number one straight away. Let’s do it.’
Shouts from the hall: ‘Down with America! Long live communist China and its wise leadership!

The President says: ‘Hold on, comrades. If we destroy America and it falls into anarchy we will lose our main export market. We need 8 per cent growth to keep the peasants happy. Less than that and we’ll have social unrest. Remember, comrades, that peasant revolts have brought down several Chinese dynasties in the past. We’re sitting on a time bomb. If we do not provide economic growth we may lose power sand all the money we have.’

Silence in the hall.

The President continues: ‘Comrades, it hurts me to say this but we need America at present. The world is coming over to our side economically. No developing country is now interested in the Washington consensus or the promotion of liberal capitalism and democracy. They are all looking at out Chinese model of authoritarian capitalism. We don’t need to create panic in the banking sector again. If we bring down America, we would be regarded as reckless and unreliable. We want to create the impression that we are a responsible, stable power which has the interest of the world community at heart. Let us woo developing countries and let America slowly slide into ruin.’

Shouts from the floor: ‘Down with the US! Down with the imperialist pigs!’

The President continues: ‘That fool President Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing. He talks about reining in the bankers but he has forgotten that bankers run the US Treasury and all important government economic posts. Wall Street runs the US government on economic matters. There is no point in passing legislation which has been drafted by bankers. They will make sure they come out on top. As comrade Karl Marx remarked, capitalism inevitably degenerates into state monopoly capitalism. In simple language, this means that the bankers and industrialists take over the state and run it in their own interests. As we saw last year that system is doomed. We don’t need to provoke a financial crisis in America. The Americans will do it themselves. Then we can proudly point to or model of authoritarian capitalism and say it is the only model of capitalism that works.’

Voice from the floor: ‘But Comrade President, how can we tout authoritarian capitalism when we are a communist state? It makes no sense.’

The President says: ‘It makes all the sense in the world. You haven’t read Karl Marx properly, comrade. He doesn’t say anywhere in the three wonderful volumes of Das Kapital that a communist state cannot have a capitalist economy. Remember that you can have state capitalism where the state is the entrepreneur. In China today we give preference to Chinese firms over foreign firms working in our country. That is fair. Why should we create jobs for Americans, Japanese and other capitalists? We, the rulers of China, have organised a capitalism economy but we are its masters. The state owns all the really important companies. Hence there’s no risk of capitalists usurping our power. Why? Because we are the capitalists here. What a wonderful world. Marx would have been proud of us. India, Brazil and Russia will gradually adopt our model of capitalism because it is the most successful on the planet. It puts in power an elite which can then run the economy in its own interests.’

Voice from the floor: ‘Comrade President, I hope you are right.’

President: ‘I am right. Have you ever known a Chinese leader to be wrong?’
– End –

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