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St Albert Gore Blimey And His Followers Launch A New Religion

February 6, 2010

Martin McCauley writes: Things are not going well in the global warming religion. That is the one that St Albert Gore Blimey follows. He became a saint when he began to preach the messages of global warming, warning the world that the end is nigh if mankind does not fork out a few trillion smackers on clean technologies.Like all dodgy messages, it was all about money. The saint’s assets are now at least fifty times what they were a few years ago. St Albert got his just rewards for being deprived of the title of the US President by making himself fabulously rich.

It was when he was licking his wounds after his defeat to that infidel, George Bush, that Al Gore, as he was known then, figured that the West was desperately searching for a new religion. He figured that as Christianity was on the wane, there was room for a new faith. The future Saint Albert and his acolytes hit on the idea of turning Mother Earth into a new goddess. She is the mother of all and has to be worshipped, they proclaimed. Thus the global warming religion was born. Ocean and rivers, mountains and glaciers, lions and rabbits and snakes and every other living creatures had to be saved from global warming. Man was proclaimed the biggest enemy of Mother Earth.

The message was picked up across the world and soon Al Gore turned into St Albert, compliments of loud mouthed environmentalists, some nasty Hollywood people and a bunch of weirdoes in Norway who were posing as members of the Nobel Prize Committee.

It was all going well, until Mother Earth itself rebelled against St Albert and his acolytes by producing the coldest spell in centuries. Not to mention that scientists, who were providing St Albert with handy information, were caught cheating and lying and forging data.

Something had to be done. So a high powered meeting of Saint Albert and his acolytes took place.
St Albert: ‘Guys, we’re in trouble. Some of our prophesies have been, shall I say, a little wide of the mark? There was that story that the Himalayan glaciers were melting away. Great idea, but someone forgot that aerial photography exists. It turned out that the glaciers are still there.’

Silence from the floor.

St Albert: ‘Then the great stuff about the Amazon rain forest disappearing in the next several years: it looks a bit silly now. And do you remember the prediction that by 1990 most forests in Germany would be gone? Well, we were reminded recently that there are more trees in Germany today than ever before. Not a good development, is it? And need I tell you that the global warming idea took a huge hit when our data was proven to be rigged. And to think that we were so close to achieving our aims.’

Voice from the floor: ‘St Albert, I suggest that since everyone has rumbled that the global warming story is a scam, we change our tune.’

St Albert: ‘What do you mean, change our tune? Are you saying we just admit we’re liars?’

Another voice from the floor: ‘Well, not exactly. Remember the religious concepts of confession and repentance. If we confess that we were wrong (this was our sin) and then ask for forgiveness, everyone will be bowled over by or sincerity that we’ll be able to rise from the dead. We can purge ourselves of our errors and launch a new religion.’

St Albert: ‘You may have something. Global warming is crap – we all know that. Our opponents are many but they are split. They can’t decide on what’s going to happen to Mother Earth. The data are simply not available. No one can predict what the weather will be like in 50 years’ time. But what do we call ourselves now?’

Voice from the floor: ‘Since we would need a new catchy name to ensnare the gullible public, I suggest: the Earth Religion. We worship our planet and excoriate all those who damage it. This would allow us to hammer anyone who creates any kind of pollution. Even sneezing and farting could be called harmful.’

St Albert: ‘We have to be careful here. Since the Chinese are providing a healthy part of our funds, we cannot afford to offend them. They sneeze and fat a lot, you know, and pollute the atmosphere.’

Voice from the floor: ‘What do you mean ‘the Chinese are providing a healthy part of our funds’? Why should they?’

St Albert: ‘The thing is, all this talk about capping carbon emissions is designed to make American and other goods uncompetitive in world markets. This makes it easier for China to export more goods.’

Voice from the floor: ‘Well, I never. So we’re in fact working for the Communist Party of China?’

St Albert: ‘Well, yes. Who do you think came up with all this crap in the first place? The clever Chinese, of course.’

A voice from the floor: ‘So even if change our tune and become champions of the movement to preserve nature, we’ll still be working for the Chinese?’

St Albert: ‘Yes. Did I ever mention that my grandfather was Chinese.’

A voice from the floor (after a pause): ‘Well, what’s in it for us?’

St Albert: ‘The new Earth Religion will make you all rich. And that is what a true religion should be all about – making its creators fabulously wealthy. In my book, it is heaven and I can’t wait to get there.’

– End –

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