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A Cynical Glance At: Wars, Tears, Public Speeches, Drives Through The Snow And Hookers

February 8, 2010

Adam Lovejoy writes: This was some week in politics, both in Britain and across the pond, in the big US of A.First, the joint British/US news: Thousands of American and British soldiers, along with tens of thousands of Afghan government troops, have been preparing all week to storm the Taliban positions in central Helmand province, to deliver the fatal blow to the insurgency. Well, at least that is what the military commanders on the ground were saying. They were also telling the folks back home that casualties among the troops can be very high and that whole helicopters with soldiers could be lost. The date of the attack, codenamed Operation Moshtarak, is kept in strict secrecy but the Taliban fighters have revealed in their interviews to friendly TV correspondents from Pakistan and China that they expect the ‘infidels’ to storm their position on Wednesday, February 10. If the offensive fails, Washington and London would probably have no choice but to start pulling their troops out, without making a big song and dance about it. Which they could have done long ago and avoided sacrificing the lives of so many people.

In Britain, two nasty characters were shedding tears in public, to demonstrate that they were only human and needed sympathy. One was Alistair Campbell, former Tony Blair’s henchman, who had ‘sexed up’ the Iraqi dossier in 2002, to strengthen the case for the illegal war that resulted in the deaths of more than 1 million people. Campbell got all emotional when he was talking about Blair’s integrity in a BBC TV interview. (Imagine, Blair has integrity.) It’s worth pointing out that Campbell has a new book out, a crappy semi-erotic novel, so he is prepared to do anything at the moment to get any sort of publicity. The other tear shedder was Gordon Brown, unelected Prime Minister, who was weeping during a recording of a TV programme, along with his wife Sarah, remembering how his baby daughter died eight years ago. Both Campbell and Brown saw nothing wrong in crying on the box. It’s all about selling yourself to the public, innit, one distinguished political observer said. Brown also did an interview with the Observer, but despite expectations that he would finally reveal about his interest in devil worship, he kept on talking about his policies that have f..ked up Britain big time, cunningly blaming the Tories, who last were in power in May 1997, for all the current mess in the country.

Moving on: the election fever is heating up in Britain with news that Labour has managed to close in on the Conservatives in the beauty contest. The poll conducted for the Sunday Telegraph showed that the Tories stood at 39 per cent, Labour at 30 per cent and the Liberal Democrats at 20 per cent and all the rest at 11 per cent. The moment the results were made known, rumours started to spread that the next general election may be brought closer and held in April, with Brown and his lot supposedly growing in confidence that they still have a chance to win. They might have a point there, actually, as Conservative leader, David Cameron, has managed to build a team of weaklings around himself and seems to be putting his foot in his mouth at every possible opportunity. If Labour pulls off a sensational recovery in the next few weeks and wins the election it is expected that British refugees will start flooding Europe, asking for political asylum to escape another five years of Brown and his thugs.

In Northern Ireland a historical agreement has been reached last week on the devolution of policing and the judiciary in the province. After months of wrangling and backstabbing the Democratic Union Party (DUP) and Sinn Fein finally worked out an arrangement that is supposed to suit all sides. Considering that the whole Northern Ireland executive resembles a sand castle the plan might collapse at any time and it will be back to the usual chaos once again. At the moment though Gordon Brown is telling anyone who would listen that he has singlehandedly made the deal possible.

New in brief:

- The British media has been obsessing over rumours about Chelsea’s captain, John Terry, and his wild private life, outside his marriage. The latest news is that Terry is paying off all the women he had bedded in the last couple of years to keep them quiet about it.

- Environment: the climatologist from University of East Anglia, Phil Jones, who was caught rigging data about climate change on the eve of the Copenhagen weather bash last year, has revealed that he had contemplated suicide several times. The question that most people are asking in Britain in this respect is: what stopped him?

- Iraq war inquiry: It was revealed that former Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, lied to the Chilcot inquiry about his decision to give the legal go-ahead for the war in Iraq. Rumours abound that Lord Goldsmith has no intention of being treated like some shmuck and is prepared to sue the inquiry for libel.

- Culture: British actors, Helen Mirren, Carey Mulligan and Colin Firth, have been nominated for an Oscar each and now the whole nation is bracing itself for another night of disappointment for the Brits in Hollywood.

- And, finally, in sport: in a bitter match between Chelsea and Arsenal the Blues made mincemeat out of the Gunners by 2 goals to 0 – as was predicted by everyone who was present at the stadium. Arsenal’s manager, Arsene Wenger, commenting on the result, said: ‘We played well and they played well. But for some strange reason they won and we lost.’

Meanwhile in the US, President Barack Obama has demonstrated his willingness to go against the forces of nature by venturing out of the White House in his motorcade on Saturday. This flexing of American technological muscle went relatively smoothly, although the motorcade had to move at about 5 mph and got lost twice in the blizzard. President Obama chose to be driven around town in a four-wheel drive armour plated Chevy Suburban, instead of his usual mega-tonne Beast vehicle with 300 TV channels, including hard porn, and a bar containing enough drink to get a party of ten pissed. Sources in the White House, that is now known jokingly as the Black House, say that the President remained cool under pressure and was not at all afraid of getting stuck in the snow. Most of Saturday evening and Sunday was spent by Mr Obama and his team discussing the adventure and pointing out that it was cool of them to drive around the capital when everybody else were cooped up in their homes, afraid to go out.

In Nashville, Tennessee, Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska and, more importantly, former Republican vice presidential hopeful, addressed the first ever Tea Party Convention and got a standing ovation for predicting that a new revolution was dawning on America. Ms Palin, whose name is sometimes misspelled as Plain by left-wing hoaxers and cynics, has got into her head that she is actually presidential material and could clinch the White House for the Republicans in the 2012 race. She made it known to the Tea Party faithful that they would be mad not to vote for her. Ms Palin was paid 115 grand for her words of wisdom, although at one point was seen reading from the text that was written in ink on the palm of her hand.

In Miami, Florida, hookers of all ages hit the mean streets over the weekend, trying to seduce fans of the Super Bowl with their discounted prices and new exciting offers of underage sex. But to the amazement of the sex workers, as they are known in some circles, groups of volunteers hit the same mean streets as well, telling these loose women that there were other ways of making a buck apart from selling their bodies. Suggestions of alternative ventures included manning or, in this case womanning the stalls that sell burgers, helping churches and charities to collect donations or digging up trenches and picking up rubbish for the local authorities – all well paid, respectable jobs. Most volunteers though were told to f..k off in no uncertain manner. As one young 15-year old prostitute put it, she was going to make a grand by sucking dick at the Super Bowl, and that suited her just fine.

US News in brief:

- The late great Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murrey, is getting ready to be officially charged with manslaughtering his famous patient. Doctor Murrey is planning to argue that Jackson had been actually dead long before he died, citing his erratic behaviour and meaningless statements.

- In Haiti former President Bill Clinton was photographed and filmed overseeing the delivery of aid to the victims of the earthquake. Rating agencies across the world have raised Mr Clinton personal credit rating to AAA and now he can borrow up to $1 billion easily, making him potentially one of the most influential people who do not wear a comb-over. Unconfirmed reports say that Mr Clinton has managed to strike a deal with the Haitian authorities about the release of a group of Americans who were arrested for trying to smuggle a busload of children into the Dominican Republic.

- Health: The Centre for Disease Control, based in Atlanta Georgia, called on all Americans to get vaccinated against swine flu, even though the epidemic failed to materialize. According to CDC, out of 145 million vaccines 70 million are still available and some people might like to have a shot just for the fun of it.

- Finally, all US military bases across the world will now offer servicemen and women the emergency contraception pill known as Plan B One-Step, or, in plain language, ‘the morning after pill’. Now American military personnel can have unprotected quickies, both between themselves and with locals, in the knowledge that the worst they can get from it would be an STD, but no other problems like abortions or unwanted childbirths. It has been estimated that at any giving time around 200,000 US servicemen and women are copulating with each other or with someone else.

On a totally different matter: A South African man by the name of Jacob Zuma, who happens to be President of the country, has been voted as having the highest sperm count on the whole continent. The term ‘he has fathered a nation’ now has a totally new meaning.

– End –

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