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Taking The Piss Humour Is A Scream, Say Comedians. Ain’t No Mines On That Minefield

February 9, 2010

Dan Majestic writes: Taking the piss humour has been overwhelmingly voted as the best form of entertainment by the majority of comedians. Toilet jokes, irrelevant observations and indiscriminate swearing were singled out as the best possible ways of raising a laugh in a survey conducted by IMTCC, a polling organisation that is not very well known among the general public, but is highly respected by experts.The survey was commissioned by the Libyan dictator, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, a great connoisseur of taking the piss jokes and of observational comedy. Mr Gaddafi is credited to be the first world leader whose sense of humour has become imprinted on his face. He’s been known to date a female camel in his younger years and tells the most hilarious jokes about his encounters with its relatives and former boyfriends.

The majority – close to 99 per cent – of funny men and women polled cross Europe and America by IMTCC said that having a ‘been there, done that’ image, i.e. hinting at past drug and drink habits and confessing to shagging like rabbits, helped them to achieve success and fame. As one stand up comedian, F..ky F..k said, ‘You’d be nuts to come across as a clean, homely dude ’cause no one’s gonna laugh at your stuff.’ ‘It’s a bit like saying that you go to church and then expect the crowd to take you seriously,’ FF added. ‘You’ll be f..ked in no time as a comedian.’

An overwhelming 90 per cent of comedians admitted that political correctness was something that drove them in life generally, and in their creative work especially. Baldie, a stand up comedy act, said: ‘It’s always a good idea to sit on the right side of the fence and mock racists, praise multiculturalists, object to climate change and show disgust with anything that resembles upper class. Stick to PC and watch the money roll in.’

The poll showed what many people suspected for years: comedians don’t want to bore people with serious subjects. ‘Taking the piss is always easier than making up funny stuff, innit,’ comedian Frankie ‘Bollocks’ McCarthy said. ‘And squeezing in as many f..ks and c..ts works well. People love that sort of shit. It sounds edgy and original. I say ‘f..k’ as often as I can and people laugh at it as if they never heard the word before.’
Most comedians acknowledged that observational comedy is what they love to do best. ‘It’s deep,’ Poppy Delicious, a feminist and a principled non-mother, said. ‘You take life by the balls and twist them till you get your crowd laughing,’ she said. ‘No mines on that minefield, I can tell you that. You can state the bleeding obvious and it still be a hit with the public.’

Toilet and bodily functions jokes proved to be a smash with most respondents. ‘Give me some pee and some pooh and some vomit and I’ll have the audiences wetting and shitting themselves with laugher,’ said stand up comedian and a recovering drug addict, Paul ‘Beside Himself’ Trenton. ‘I use shit and piss in my routines all over the fucking place, he says. ‘It works all the time. It’s the sort of stuff that people want to hear when they come in for a laugh. Who wants to know about boring stuff? Toilet is where everyone spends a lot of time.’

Sex, according to the survey, is a scream as well. 88 per cent of respondents said that shagging in all its forms, anal included, works on any audiences. ‘Let’s face it,’ said Betty Overdose, a comedienne with an attitude, ‘most people live for fucking. They thing about it every days and every hour. That is something they understand. Tell them the word ‘pussy’ and they get all excited. Slip in a penis and a vagina into the routine and they go berserk. It’s a scream.’

All the comedians, who took part in the survey, said that they were left-wing, bordering on communist. Some said they were so left that their eyesight was becoming impaired. As one of them, Johnny Unwelcome, said, ‘you’ve got to be ..king nuts to not be a socialist or a communist in stand-up comedy. It’s not like in sex where you can play for both teams. With us you play into one goal and use only one hole.’

The poll also revealed that most comedians thinks that revolting looks are a must for a great comedy act. They pointed out that TV shows like Saturday Night Live in the US or Mock The Week in Britain have achieved a cult status because all the people involved are deeply unattractive, including the women. ‘Ugly works for stand up comedy,’ comic Daffodil George explained. ‘Just look at Joe Brand, that broad made a fortune out of looking really scary.’

The survey proved that most comedians have little or no respect at all for their audiences. As comedian Donny Osmond (no relation) said: ‘Only wankers would pay money to listen to some bloke or bird talk bullshit for a couple of hours. So why should we have any respect for these fools.’

– End –

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