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Those Were The Days My Friend… The End Of The Euro Is Nigh

Martin McCauley writes: ‘Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end…’ as one famous song went.Remember the time when the euro was launched with great fanfare as the common currency of the European Union in January 2002? The French and the Germans were beside themselves with glee: the euro, they proclaimed, would become so powerful that it would eclipse the almighty US dollar and rule the world. For a while over 375 million people used the euro every day and it was considered the second most important international reserve currency.

Not anymore, though. The Greek economic meltdown has undermined confidence in the euro. There is a feeling that Spain, Portugal, Ireland might follow the same path and go bust.

Imagine a meeting called by the head of the European Central Bank (ECB) in Frankfurt with all 27 member states present, plus some overseas guests.

ECB President: ‘Guys, you will forgive me for interrupting your busy schedule but we have important matters to discuss. When we adopted the euro the outlook was very rosy. We thought that our currency would take over the world and replace the US dollar. The Chinese were behind us, as were the Indians, Russians, Brazilians and everyone else who wanted to see an end to Yankee domination. Even Hamas has asked us if we could arrange for the euro to become their currency, so that they could piss of the Israelis and the Americans.’

Gloomy silence hangs in the hall.

ECB President: ‘However, the Greeks have let us all down by going bankrupt. We imposed stringent conditions on them in order to join the euro zone. They met all our criteria with flying colours. Unfortunately, everything their finance ministry sent us was false. They simply made the numbers up. What are we to do with the Greeks?’

An angry voice from the floor: ‘Hang them out to dry. Let them slide into the Mediterranean. Why should we bail them out with our hard earned money? They are lazy and will have to learn some financial discipline.’

Another voice from the floor: ‘But isn’t there a danger that the Greek workers will wreck the whole country.’
He is interrupted by shouts of: ‘So what, we can spend our holidays somewhere else!’

ECB President: ‘May I continue? If Greece goes down, Portugal, Spain and perhaps Ireland would follow. It could become a chain reaction. Where would we be then? We would all become paupers. So we have to bail them out.’
Another voice from the floor: ‘No, no, no. Only over our dead bodies. We must teach those lazy bums that we do not provide free lunches for them. They have to stand on their own two feet.’

Voice of reason from the floor: ‘The communist in Greece actually want the country to collapse. Then the workers there will take power. The corporations and fat cats will all be put in prison and forced to disgorge their stolen wealth.’

Hushed silence prevails for a while.

Cautious voice from the floor: ‘We are risking to inflame a class war in Greece. It might spread to other weak states. Remember the communists almost took power in Portugal in the mid-1970s and also in Spain and Italy further back. No one loves a banker, let alone a central banker at present. So how do we avoid being shredded by the incoming revolutionaries?’

A voice with an Eastern accent: ‘As I see it, gentlemen, you’re faced with a stark choice. The euro is going down the pan and you have to choose a currency to replace it. There are two choices. One is the US dollar, but the Americans are in trouble themselves now and they will try to get out of the mess at your expense. The EU will simply be run from Washington in America’s interest.’
Voice ‘So what is the other choice?’

A voice with an Eastern accent: ‘Well, you could always ask the most powerful people in the world to step in…’
Inquisitive voice: ‘You mean the Mafia?’

Voice with an Eastern accent: ‘No, of course not. I mean the glorious Chinese with their yuan.’

Gasps of disbelief are heard around the hall.

Voices from the floor: ‘‘The Chinese yuan! That would mean we’ll have to start learning Chinese and become subservient to Beijing.’

Voice with an Eastern accent: ‘No, of course not. The Chinese will look after you much better than the Americans. They will not force their own rules down your throats, like the Yankees. As bankers you will have all the freedom you want as there would be no need to play with this stupid democracy and listen to the demands of your ignorant people who don’t know what’s good for them. You’ll simply adopt the Chinese model and rule forever. Especially as you already have parts of the Chinese model in place: unelected leaders, no accountability and so on…’

Amazement in the hall. Shouts of disbelief.

Voice with an Eastern accent: ‘Of course, you would need to be clever when introducing your new currency. You will have to tell your people that you are simply strengthening the euro by making them look exactly like the euros only with the word ‘yuan’ on them. The stupid peasants will not notice the difference anyway.’

Shouts from the floor: ‘Bravo, bravo, Mr Chinese Central Bank Chairman, you are a financial wizard. You have solved all our financial problems.’

– End –

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