Gordon Brown Plans To Have Cosmetic Surgery. To Be Able To Weep At A Drop Of A Hat

February 15, 2010

Dan Majestic writes: Rumours abound that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is planning to have cosmetic surgery to install two weepy implants in his eye sockets so that he can start crying any time he feels like it.

Boistered by the huge success of his recent TV interview, in which he wept over the death of his baby daughter in 2002, Mr Brown is said to be keen to continue this charm offensive on the British public, especially as the general election is getting closer by the day. The PM is hoping that his weepy implants would allow him to cry when he talks about the British soldiers who are dying in Afghanistan, about the old people generally and, of course, about starving children in Africa and natural disasters in other distant places. Downing Street advisors are convinced that Mr Brown can score serious points by coming across as human and sensitive to other people’s pain and grief.

‘We want the Prime Minister to be able to weep at a drop of a hat,’ one senior government advisor said. ‘Voters like that sort of thing. They want their leader to be shedding a tear more often. Just look at what it did for Paul Gascoigne and Andy Murrey, two very average athletes, who became cult figures overnight when they were shown crying.’

Mr Brown, who has a reputaion of being a cold-hearted bastard, badly needs to improve his image among the British voters. Although he managed to improve his somewhat eerie smile in the past two years, many people are still not convinced that the unelected prime minister has what it takes to be compassionate and caring. Rumour has it that he laughed diabolically when he raided the private pensions in 1998, pushing millions of British pensioners into poverty, and that he likes to watch videos of puppies and kittens torturen and skinned alive. Recent disturbing revelation in a book by a former Labour spin doctor paint Mr Brown as a violent man, who suffers from constipation and lets his feelings rip when he feels he needs to suck a bit of energy off others.

The operation to insert weepy implants will be conducted in a private clinic in Harley Street by a famous surgeon who is rumoroed to have operated on such celebrities as singer non-son writre, Cliff Richard, former President Ronald Reagan and international terrorist Osama Bin Laden. The operation will be funded by the taxpayers as it was decided by the government that as Mr Brown is so loved and appreciated by the British people they would not mind if a couple of million smackers were spent on his health.

According to seasoned observers other cabinet ministers in Mr Brown’s government might also be asked to have weepee implants inserted into their eye sockets so that they could shed a lot of tears during the election campaign and get that sympathy vote really going for them. Some ministers though have already declined to go under the surgeon’s scalpel, claiming that they have mastered the technique of sqeazing their balls so hard that tears start flowing from their eyes. This technique was recently demonstrated by former 10 Downing Street spin docrot, Alistair Campbell, who wept like a baby during a TV interview whend asked wether his ex boss, Tony Blair, was a lying piece of shit.

Harriet Harman, Deputy Prime Minister, has already volunteered to have weepee glans implanted in her eyes to test how they work. In a few days times she will demonstrate her new ability to shed a tear, promting rumours that she might actually challenge Mr Brown for the leadership should Labour lose the election.

According to some reports, the Conservatives are looking into the matter and trying to establish whether Mr Brown’s weepee implants might constitute a breach of the 1613 Parliamentary Act that bans any artificial means of persuading the voters to support political parties that are destined to lose the election. Tories’ leader, David Cameron, dismissed any suggestions that he might have a similar operation and cry all the time during the election campaign. ‘We are seen as a bunch of sissies anyway,’ Mr Cameron told Stirring Trouble, ‘so it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to weep all the time.’

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Tags: cosmetic surgery, Gordon Brown, weeping