Some People Should Be Told They’re Not Beautiful

February 20, 2010

Here is a novel idea: why don’t we tell some of the celebrities that they are not beautiful, or ain’t beautiful, if they live in the US of A. Nice looking, yes, but not beautiful, because many of them think that they are drop-dead gorgeous. Especially some of the women TV presenters.

You see them, sitting in their studios, reading the news from the autocue and thinking to themselves: I’m stunning, I’m absolutely stunning. If I were a man, I would kill myself out of jealousy that other men are watching me. I’m so beautiful that the news I read doesn’t really matter. People watch the news just to see me. Me, me, me.

To be fair, some men TV presenters and newsreaders are no better. You can just see them thinking – can you see people thinking? Yep, sometimes you can. – Anyway, you can just see them thinking: Boy, I look good. Boy oh boy, do I look good. The nose, the lips, the ears, the eyes – they’re all perfectly shaped. Women must be going crazy out there, watching me read the news. Caressing me with their eyes, kissing me on the lips, worshipping me generally…

That is what some TV presenters think of themselves. They think they’re beautiful and that the programmes they present are mere vehicles for their beauty.

So here is the deal: publicly financed agencies should be set up across the world to conduct You’re Not Really Beautiful polls and come up with results that would show that most people don’t consider TV presenters to be beautiful. Then, once the reports would be compiled, they would be presented to the people concerned. Preferably while they are still on air. And these reports would state that TV presenter are not considered beautiful by the majority of viewers, so that they stop fantasising about themselves while reading the news or presenting some other programme. And they would be banned from thinking that they’re beautiful and from having that glassy stare that they often have when they think of themselves as gorgeous.

The practice should, of course, gradually spread to other beautiful people, who are not really beautiful at all. Actors and actresses would be informed that they are, in effect, not nice looking at all. They would be told in no uncertain terms that if they did not wear tonnes of make-up they’d look very ordinary. I’m not mentioning names here, but some of these so-called film stars are really unatractive when they take their make up off. Really, really unatractive. I know, because I’ve seen some of them without the camouflage, so to speak.

Brrr, you would not want to wake up with them in the morning, in one bed, without being intoxicated by booze or drugs.

And then, of course, supermodels should be regularly told that they are not beautiful. Because most of them aren’t, or ain’t, if they live in America. These women, and men too, by the way, are actually quite creepy. Because it’s very hard to imagine someone growing up and thinking: I want to devote my whole life to modelling clothes. I want to walk down the catwalk, like a penguin, swinging those hips of mine and looking purposefully into the distance, wearing a designer dress or suit, and then stop suddenly, turn around, and walk back again. And I want to do it day in and day out. And I also want to have that wasted look of a drug addict. If I have enough money, that is, to buy so many drugs.

Sounds creepy, doesn’t it?

So, all these female and male models should be informed, regularly, that they aren’t beautiful and that they should better keep this in mind. And if some brain dead billionaire or gangster – because billionaires and gangsters love to hang out with models – think that they, the models that is, are gorgeous, it doesn’t really mean that normal people think the same. Most models are not even attractive and should have a ‘no, you aren’t beautiful’ certificate issued to them every year.

Many footballers’ wives should also be informed, some discreetly, that they are not beautiful, but actually look more like sluts. Beauty and sluttiness is often confused by the simple minded folk. That is why you see so many actors, pop stars and sportsmen married to slutty looking females that are mistaken for stunning beauties.

And female porn stars should be also told that they aren’t even remotely beautiful or sexy. Have you seen any of them in real life? Blimey, they would scare you to death! They look like those inflatable rubber dolls that are sold at sex shops for men who like to live their lives dangerously. ‘Three beautiful holes, all yours, at any time,’ the sign would say on the box, or something to that matter. So porn stars would have to be constantly informed that they aren’t, or ain’t, if they come from Los Angeles where they mostly come from, even close to being sexy or beautiful.

Tony Blair, Bill Clinton, Nicholas Sarkozy should also be told that they are not beautiful, because they think of themselves as beautiful, and even sexy. Yes, sexy. And Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin should be told, very firmly, that he is not beautiful. Because I have been hearing things about him and they are not pretty. Things that I’ve been hearing about Putin, I mean. Something to do with him actually thinking that he’s strikingly handsome. Hence all those nude calendars of his.

And Robert Redford, Warren Beatty, Richard Gere, John Travolta and many, many other movie stars should be told – very publicly – that they’ve never been beautiful. Ever. And George Clooney should be told that just because he thinks he’s beautiful doesn’t mean that he’s a great looker and a talented actor and a vertiose film director. He’s none of those things. He looks like a gigolo, to be honest.

As an exceptional case, Brad Pitt should be told that, yes, he is beautiful, because the guy would probably whack himself and his other half, whose name always escapes me – Jolly or Jolley or Jelley – because he lives by his beauty. You can see by the look on his face that he just knows that he’s beautiful. You can see it on his face.

Paris Hilton should be told that she’s not beautiful, in a televised ceremony. She would not understand, of course, being convinced that she’s a stunner with a unique structure of the face, but it would still be useful to do it so that all of those teenage girls, who desire to look like Hilton – not the hotel but the woman – would stop doing it and get a life, or something close to resembling a life.

And as for Madonna and Lady Gaga, I think we need to tell them anything. they know it themselves.

– End –

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