President Sarkozy’s Visit To The US Produces Nothing. Due To Language Barriers

March 31, 2010

President Sarkozy’s Visit To The US Produces Nothing. Due To Language Barriers

Dan Majestic writes: In an attempt to boost his standing in his country, undermined by his inability to sort out his marriage to glamour puss Carla Bruni and resolve the mess in the economy, President Nicolas Sarkozy has turned his visit to the United States into a public relations razmataz, portraying himself as an equal of US President Barack Obama. Stirring Trouble understands that the French leader had been begging Mr Obama for months to stage a summit and treat him like an important world statesman that he considers himself to be. Mr Sarkozy, whose popularity at home is close to zero after he basically gave up performing his official duties in the hope of saving his marriage to Ms Bruni, a former rock chick with a serious interest in changing partners, who was reported to have gotten close... 

EU Agrees to Rescue Greece. But Disagrees On Everything Else

March 30, 2010

EU Agrees to Rescue Greece. But Disagrees On Everything Else

Martin McCauley writes: The EU leaders have agreed a package of measures to rescue Greece – to avoid it defaulting on its debts. However, as part of the deal the Council of Ministers will have greater control over the 16 Eurozone members. Imagine, if you will, a meeting between Herman van Rompuy, the President of the European Council, and leaders of member states. Herman Van Rompuy: Mesdames et Messieurs, we have reached a historic landmark in the evolution of the EU into a federal state. The deal with Greece confers greater powers on us to supervise and regulate Eurozone economies. What steps shall we now take? President Nicolas Sarkozy: What’s wrong with you? You’re not supposed to reveal that our goal is to create the United States of Europe. You should instead insist that... 

Britain’s Special Relations With America Get A Rethink. By PM And The Boys

March 30, 2010

Britain’s Special Relations With America Get A Rethink. By PM And The Boys

Adam Lovejoy writes: As the ‘special relations’ between Britain and America lose their sparkle, a secret Cabinet meeting chaired by Peter Mandelson, nicknamed PM in the Labour government for his leadership qualities, has taken place in the bunker of 10 Downing Street to discuss ways of reviving the old friendship. Stirring Trouble was given exclusive access to this historic gathering. Here is the transcript of the meeting: Peter Mandelson (PM): I’ve asked you to attend this extraordinary meeting of the Cabinet, people, to come up with some ideas to get relations with America on a new footing. You first, tough guy. Defence Secretary: Let’s tell them we’re ready to start another war. Anywhere they go, we’ll go with them. PM: A good suggestion, but I don’t think they’re ready... 

The Wicked Ways Of Baroness Ashton. And The Fate Of The Lisbon Treaty

March 29, 2010

The Wicked Ways Of Baroness Ashton. And The Fate Of The Lisbon Treaty

Thomas Mathew writes: I bet a lot of you men out there are fantasising about Baroness Ashton, the EU foreign policy chief. I don’t blame you. With looks that can kill, she’d be a prized trophy for any hot blooded male. But leaving intimacy aside, I’d like to play around with some facts from the stunning Baroness’s biography. It was on December 1, 2009, in accordance with the Lisbon Treaty, that Catherine Margaret Ashton, Baroness Ashton of Upholland, was appointed the first ever High Representative for Foreign Affairs of the European Union. Let me now take you back a bit: Cathy Ashton grew up in humble surroundings, in a mining town in Lancashire, and no one then could have predicted that this pretty girl would ever marry and have three children, not to mention becoming one of the... 

President Obama Pays A Surprise Visit To Afghanistan. We Speculate

March 29, 2010

President Obama Pays A Surprise Visit To Afghanistan. We Speculate

Dan Majestic writes: Why would President Barack Obama drop everything he was doing and jet off to Afghanistan all of a sudden, uninvited by its government and unwelcomed by most local folks, to spend six long exhausting hours over there? Could it be that he is getting bored with his presidency and wants to do something more exciting, like visiting faraway lands, for no apparent reason, and meeting people dressed in exotic clothes? Or could it be, God forbid, that Mr Obama’s relations with his stunning wife, Michelle, have cooled down a bit? Let’s face it, now that he is leader of a waning superpower he can choose any young babe he wants, just like President John Kennedy did, and get those tabloid hacks really wagging their tails. What’s stopping this hunk of a man from having an affair,... 

More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team

March 28, 2010

More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more spoof breaking news items. From the Stirring Trouble team. NEWS JUST IN Breaking News: Explaining his unannounced visit to Afghanistan, President Obama says he was bored stiff and thought a trip abroad might be a good idea. Breaking News: European Union decides to replace the euro with the Chinese yuan as part of introducing full blown communism on the continent. Breaking News: As 121 countries stage an Earth Hour stunt by switching off all lights in parts of its capitals, burglars and muggers boost their takings. Breaking News: British members of parliament recommend to dump special relations with America and start sucking up to China. Breaking News: British Airways says it doesn’t fly to more destinations than any other airline. Breaking News: Tony Blair overheard... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

March 28, 2010

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more pearls of wisdom. From the Stirring Trouble team. If you think about it, we are just tourists in this life. So why have all that luggage? So that you know, the end of the world has happened. We just missed it. Conspiracy theories originate not because the people are stupid but because they have no trust in their politicians. To avoid huge crowds building up stores should post signs saying: if you’re not intending to by anything, f..k off, please. In case you’re wondering what pop stars do between recordings: shag, drink and take drugs. Hence the ‘great’ tunes and lyrics. The thing that unites all governments across the world is that they despise their own people and treat them like idiots. The thing about restaurants: they should give us the atmosphere... 

US And Russia Agree On A New Nuclear Arms Treaty. What’s The Big Deal?

March 27, 2010

US And Russia Agree On A New Nuclear Arms Treaty. What’s The Big Deal?

Dan Majestic writes: Pardon me for asking, but why the hell should anyone rejoice at the news that the United States and Russia have agreed on a new deal cutting their nuclear arsenals by a third? Now they’ll be able to destroy the world not 50 times over, like before, but only a meagre 34 times. Big deal! Who would care, having been wiped out the first time, about the possible 33 other threats? It’s not like there’d be anyone left to say: ‘Wow, the second and third times were even scarier than the first nuclear Armageddon.’ Let me fill you in on some of the details so that you’d stop jumping with joy, celebrating the ‘great breakthrough in arms control’. First of all, the US and Russia would be cutting the numbers of their strategic nuclear weapons that have passed their sell-by... 

How Are Things In Haiti? Great, Just Great, We Are Told

March 27, 2010

How Are Things In Haiti? Great, Just Great, We Are Told

Dan Majestic writes: As former President, George Bush junior, is accused of racism, for wiping his hand down Bill Clinton’s shirt after they both shook hands with a group of Haitians during their recent visit to the island, you might wonder: how are things in Haiti in the post earthquake era? It would be a very good question, considering that the world press no longer informs the public about the situation on the island, even though huge amounts of money continue to pour in to fund the relief effort undertaken there. Imagine an interview with the UN Commissioner in charge of the aid operation in Haiti, if such a post ever existed, conducted by StirringTroubleInternationally. STI: Commissioner, how is the relief effort in Haiti going? Commissioner: Great, just great. It’s amazing how the... 

Mediocrity Sucks, New Study Sensationally Reveals

March 26, 2010

Mediocrity Sucks, New Study Sensationally Reveals

R.F.Wilson writes: Mediocrity sucks – this is the sensational and yet widely anticipated conclusion made by a team of scientists, headed by Professor Dudley ‘F..king’ Brilliant, who has been studying the big ‘M’, as he calls mediocrity, during most of his professional life. Professor Brilliant and his colleagues have accessed the abilities of millions of people across the social spectrum, meeting both lowlifes and highlifes, quizzing politicians, bankers, lawyers, doctors, actors, musicians, hacks and very wealthy people with no particular interest in anything. The study has proven beyond all doubt that mediocrity of today is extremely loud and does not tolerate any other views apart from its own. ‘I found it amazing that some mediocre people produce sounds that are as loud as a... 

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