Browse > Home / Let's Be Cynical / About One Pine Tree. And Global Warming Written All Over It

About One Pine Tree. And Global Warming Written All Over It

March 4, 2010

Martin McCauley writes: Fiddling climate change data seems to have become a favourite hobby of some people who call themselves ‘scientists’. Two of them, from the University of East Anglia, have been caught red handed last year, making up ‘facts’ about global warming. One was Professor Phil Jones, the head of the aptly called Climatic Research Unit at UEA, and the other was his boss, Vice Chancellor of the same higher educational establishment, Professor Edward Acton.

Both profs had been summoned to appear in front of the House of Commons Science and Technology Committee a couple of days ago, to explain themselves. Here is part of the transcript that has not been made public:

Science and Technology Committee (STC) chair: Professor Jones, how do you sleep at night after what has happened?

Professor Jones: Err, I haven’t had much sleep lately, to be honest. Can’t believe I was caught out like a schoolboy. I even contemplated assisted suicide…

Chair: Yes, of course you did. Would any of the members of the committee like to take over?

Voice: Tell us, Professor Jones, how did you sell all that pseudo-scientific crap of yours to unsuspecting people?

PJ: It sort of came to me naturally, to be quite honest. I heard there was this pine tree that dated back to 1421 and that it had global warming written all over it.

Voice: What do you mean? How can global warming be written all over a pine tree?

PJ: Well, it’s just written on it. You look at it and you see the words ‘global warming’.

Voice: Are you taking the piss by any chance?

PJ: No, no, not in the slightest. It’s just that I sometimes can see things that other people can’t. Like Harry Potter.

(Stunned silence in the room).

Voice: How much research money did you obtain to examine this pine tree?

PJ: Oh, not a lot – 500 million quid.

Voice: You have got to be kidding us. Who the hell gave you that much money?

PJ: Half of it came from the British government and the rest from companies that produce clean technologies.

Voice: It’s a scandal. I can look at a pine tree for nothing.

PJ: I didn’t just look at that tree. I touched it and licked it, to be certain it was warm.

Voice: And what about those emails of yours in which you suggested to others to ‘stretch’ the climate data a bit.

PJ (breaking down): I was a bad, bad boy. I have written some awful emails. I’ve even wrote to Harry Potter once and asked him to help me. But I got no response. I was devastated.

Chair: Right. I think, Professor Jones, you’d better go and get your senses together. If you are still capable of doing that. Meanwhile let’s ask Professor Edward Acton about his role in this matter.

Voice: Professor Acton, presumably your conclusions about global warming were based on global climatic data?

PA: Actually, no. We found it very difficult to obtain that sort of data.

Chair: Which countries refused you access to their figures?

PA: Well, err… Sweden and Russia were very uncooperative.

Voice: Strange. Any others?

PA: Canada and Poland told us to get lost.

Voice: Right. And what about China? Did it provide you with any data?

PA: Well, not a lot really. We did have a report from someone in Luoyang who said it was raining there like it was the end of the world.

Voice: So, in fact, you had no data from China?

PA: Now that you put it like that, I suppose that we didn’t really have any data from the Chinese.

Chair: May I, as a lay person, offer an explanation why these countries refused you access to their climate data?

PA: Yes, please, because we were at a loss to understand it ourselves.

Chair: Very simple: they didn’t trust you to use the data in a proper scientific manner. They thought you were mad.

PA: No, I can’t accept that. We shared our data with three famous world centres of climate research. They arrived at the same conclusions as we did.

Chair: Based on what?

PA: Well, on looking at trees, and talking to the rabbits and the fishes…

Voice: Were you driven by financial considerations, professor?

PA: Of course not. We were only driven by the need to obtain research grants to help mankind. Had we said we didn’t believe in global warming we wouldn’t have got any money to look for it. I hope I don’t sound confusing in all of this?

Voice: Oh, your words make perfect sense to us all. Money driven you weren’t, but still needed money to be driven to save mankind.

PA: Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. Gosh, it’s hot here.

Chair: I see professor that global warming is written all over you, as Professor Jones likes to say. I think both of you should avoid studying the climate from now on and stick to something you know.

PA: Like what?

Chair: Like raising money for non-existent causes.

– End –

Related posts:

  1. Ways Of Tackling Global Warming Discussed. By Like Minded People

    Martin McCauley writes: Sir Tony Brenton, once Whitehall’s man in Moscow, has a new hobby: promoting global warming and discussing ways of tackling it. A...

  2. We Present A Comment On Our Article About Global Warming

    Today we post a comment to Martin McCauley’s article Global Warming: It’s A Myth by one of our readers, Chuck D. We thought it might...

  3. Global Warming: It’s A Myth

    Martin McCauley writes: Where has our summer gone? Last August in Britain was the wettest on record. And the winter of 2007 had proven...

  4. Global Warming: A Con That Benefits The Few

    Dan Majestic writes: Imagine for a moment that you are a government that has f..ked up the economy and has no idea how to...

  5. It Was The Cold And The Free Sex That Killed Off The Global Warming Summit

    Dan Majestic writes: Say what you will about the Copenhagen global warming bash, but in the end it was the cold that killed it off....

Category: Let's Be Cynical  · No Comments »
Tags: , ,

Would you like to add a comment?