Adam Lovejoy writes: As the ‘special relations’ between Britain and America lose their sparkle, a secret Cabinet meeting chaired by Peter Mandelson, nicknamed PM in the Labour government for his leadership qualities, has taken place in the bunker of 10 Downing Street to discuss ways of reviving the old friendship. Stirring Trouble was given exclusive access to this historic gathering.
Here is the transcript of the meeting:
Peter Mandelson (PM): I’ve asked you to attend this extraordinary meeting of the Cabinet, people, to come up with some ideas to get relations with America on a new footing. You first, tough guy.
Defence Secretary: Let’s tell them we’re ready to start another war. Anywhere they go, we’ll go with them.
PM: A good suggestion, but I don’t think they’re ready for a third war. Not yet, at least. What about you, pretty boy? You’re dating that bird, Hillary, aren’t you? What’s your suggestion?
Foreign Secretary: I suppose I can put in a word to Hillary.
PM: I bet you can, lover boy, I bet you can. But what word would that be?
FS: Well, I can tell her to convince President Obama that he needs us to penetrate Europe for him. To be his agents of influence here.
PM: Penetrate, eh? Why the hell would he need us to ‘penetrate Europe’, as you call it? He’s got Merkel and Sarkozy eating from his hand. They ARE Europe. What about you, Red Face?
Home Secretary: We can always arrest some people here and accuse them of masterminding a plot to blow up the White House or some other important target. Our people did it when Tony was still around. Works well on the Americans.
PM: Yes, that might work. But that would not be enough.
Knock on the door.
PM: Yes, who is it?
Door opens, slightly. Gordon Brown sticks his head into the room.
PM: What is it, Gordon? What the hell do you want?
GB: I thought I may sit with you people for a while.
PM: Go away. Get your wife pregnant, like Cameron did. That’ll be a boost for our election campaign.
PM: Right, who else wants to show off his thinking skills?
Leader of the House: How about boosting our feminist credentials. Let Americans share our feminist values and our passion for equality…
PM: Get a life. And stop peddling your feminist crap. You aren’t getting the top job, even if we win the election. Any other ideas?
Chancellor of the Exchequer: We can let American banks do whatever they want in the City. That is bound to make them happy.
PM: For your information, Black Eyebrows, they have been doing what they wanted for the last f..king 50 years here. Guess who got us in the mess we’re in now. What about you, Sex God?
Culture Secretary: How about introducing a national I Love America Day? Or even two days? People will be able to bask in American culture.
PM: What culture would that be? There’s more culture in a yogurt that in America.
Justice Secretary: We can stop the Chilcot inquiry into the war in Iraq. I know the Americans are not happy with it. Chilcot is our man. He’ll understand.
PM: Too late with that, JS. The damage has already been done. Nothing else will come out anyway. I’ve told the inquiry to keep their questioning simple. So it’s no big deal anymore.
Children Secretary: I know you hate me but how about saying sorry to President Obama for our colonial past? You know, that incident that happened in Kenya with our troops roughing up his grandfather or something.
PM: Talk to me, talk to me.
CS: Well, we can denounce our racist colonial past and find President Obama’s ancestors who had lived in Britain and liked it here.
PM: What do you mean, liked it here? How could they have liked it here if they came from Kenya?
CS: We can always come up with something that’ll prove that they liked Britain. With you controlling all the press here, they can come up with something.
PM: Hmmm, as much as I can’t stand you, I think you’re on to something. Needs developing though. I’ll have to talk to Matthew and the boys at the Beeb. Let’s see what they say. Right, official business done. It’s devil worship time now. Who’ll be reading Harry Potter to us today?
– End –