EU Agrees to Rescue Greece. But Disagrees On Everything Else

March 30, 2010

Martin McCauley writes: The EU leaders have agreed a package of measures to rescue Greece – to avoid it defaulting on its debts. However, as part of the deal the Council of Ministers will have greater control over the 16 Eurozone members. Imagine, if you will, a meeting between Herman van Rompuy, the President of the European Council, and leaders of member states.

Herman Van Rompuy: Mesdames et Messieurs, we have reached a historic landmark in the evolution of the EU into a federal state. The deal with Greece confers greater powers on us to supervise and regulate Eurozone economies. What steps shall we now take?

President Nicolas Sarkozy: What’s wrong with you? You’re not supposed to reveal that our goal is to create the United States of Europe. You should instead insist that national governments are still sovereign.

HVR: Je m’excuse… Sorry, I forgot I was speaking on the record. You, Monsieur le Président will, of course be the first President of the United States of Europe.

PNS: Watch it. You talk too much.

Chancellor Angela Merkel: Stop it, meine Kinder, we have to behave like responsible adults. I propose that we set up a new EU Central Bank. We Germans are getting fed up with Frenchmen running everything. The head of the International Monetary Fund is French. So is the president of the EU Central Bank. Do I need to continue?

PNS: Chère Angela, I’m sure we can come to an arrangement. Perhaps a beautiful German Fräulein could be nominated as joint head of these two banks? I’m sure our officials would welcome them warmly.

CAM: You are even more sex-mad after your recent local government defeats than usual. Why is it that a Frenchman thinks every pressing question can be solved in bed? No, we need a serious, German approach to this.

HVR: Chères enfants, stop squabbling and let’s get serious. We now, for the first time since the Roman Empire, have the power to decide how each state runs its economy. It has always annoyed me, as a Belgian, that our national treasure, chips, are derided by the French, Germans, Italians and so on. I propose that we legislate that chips are served with every meal in the EU.

CAM: Nein, nein, nein. We don’t like chips. Instead I propose that the Frankfurter sausage be made compulsory as a breakfast staple…

PNS: Non, non, non. The French croissant is much superior. Our dieticians tell us that eating German sausages and chips for breakfast would turn us into Germans. God forbid! Sorry, Angela, but we want to stay French.

HVR: Can we not raise the discussion above the level of the stomach? We have an opportunity to decide how much is spent on education, science, defence, climate change, social security, child care and a host of other important sectors.

PNS: I don’t care about those areas of policy. Unless everyone in Europe has a French breakfast of coffee and croissants, I can’t see how they can take a sensible decision.

CAM: Hold it, mein Herr, a good German breakfast is vastly superior. Why are we Germans now the top people in Europe? I’ll tell you. We eat German sausages, drink German beer, consume pumpernickel bread and have cold showers in the morning. I propose that all of Europe should do the same.

Commotion in the hall. Leaders start throwing sausages, croissants, chips and anything else that comes to hand at one another. Beer and wine is flowing in all directions.

HVR: Mesdames et Messieurs, this is disgraceful. It’s like a Marx Brothers movie. Surely we can act in a civilised manner…

He is cut short as a custard pie lands on his face and temporarily chokes him…

– End –