The Two People That Are Orlando Figes

April 30, 2010

The Two People That Are Orlando Figes

Martin McCauley writes: It turns out that Orlando Figes, the famous historian, who supposedly knows Russia’s past better than the Russians themselves, has been having a bit of a personality split. It transpired recently that he’s been suffering from a rare case of Jekyll and Hyde syndrome that resulted in him posting highly critical articles under assumed names on the web about the books by other historians. Imagine a meeting of Orlando with his agent and advisers. Orlando: I don’t know what’s happening. I’m a famous historian with a worldwide reputation who is being accused of writing nasty things about my professional colleagues. I don’t know how this could be true. Voice: Orlando, we’ve been informed that you suffer from a split personality complex. In simple language this... 

Goldman Sachs Top Execs Resort To Power Dressing. And Village Idiot Techniques

April 29, 2010

Goldman Sachs Top Execs Resort To Power Dressing. And Village Idiot Techniques

R.F.Wilson writes from Washington: Goldman Sachs top execs managed to come out as clear winners in a confrontation with a group of American Senators, all members of the Senate’s sub-committee on investigations, who had the audacity to summon them to a hearing and quiz them on their role in bringing down the country’s financial system. Goldman’s high fliers chose to ‘dress down their opponents’, as it’s known in their trade, by wearing the most expensive clothes possible and making the Senators feel cheap and worthless. The bankers also adopted the village idiot approach, pretending they didn’t have enough command of English to understand the questions that were asked or simply denying everything. The four Goldman’s execs, who took the stand in the initial phase of the hearings,... 

Bigotwomangate Hits The UK Election Campaign

April 29, 2010

Bigotwomangate Hits The UK Election Campaign

Adam Lovejoy writes: The tension and suspense surrounding Labour’s election campaign reached a new high yesterday after Prime Minister Gordon Brown got embroiled in a scandal by calling a staunch Labour supporter, a 66-year-old pensioner Gilliam Duffy of Rochdale, a ‘bigoted woman’ for raising concerns about the number of immigrants flooding into Britain. The PM’s comments became apparent because he was going around Rochdale with a loudspeaker in his hand and everything he said to his aides in private could be heard for miles around. Later that day Mr Brown was forced to go to Mrs Duffy’s house and spend nearly an hour in her living room, standing on his knees and begging her for forgiveness. Witnesses to the whole incident revealed later that Brown looked a bit tipsy at the time... 

Professor Stephen Hawking And The Little Green Men Who Threaten The Earth

April 28, 2010

Professor Stephen Hawking And The Little Green Men Who Threaten The Earth

Martin McCauley writes: That famous scientist, Stephen Hawking, is a creative thinker. His latest novel idea is that aliens might conquer the Earth. In other words, little green men will descend from their space ships and take over our planet. Imagine a meeting of Professor Hawkins and his critics. Professor Hawking (PH): Fellow scientists, we’re confronted by a mortal danger. All those missions into space have alerted extraterrestrial life forms to our existence. These life forms are bound to be more intelligent than we are. Not that it’s difficult to be more intelligent than us. If we continue with space exploration we’ll bring Armageddon on ourselves. It could spell the end of our civilisation as we know it. Voice: Professor, what is your evidence that these life forms actually exist?... 

Well Hit Me With A Shovel. And Then Offer Me A Handshake

April 28, 2010

Well Hit Me With A Shovel. And Then Offer Me A Handshake

Adam Lovejoy writes: Well hit me with a shovel and then offer me a handshake. And then hit me with a shovel again… The chance to get rid of the incompetent and corrupt Labour government is only eight days away and yet, there are still people out there in Britain, millions of them supposedly, who want the creeps to stay on and keep screwing up the once great nation. The question I have is this: are you folks for real and, if you so, are totally nuts or what? How can you support a political party that has f..ked up your country? And how is it that a bunch of crooks could have gotten away with twisting everyone’s balls, if you pardon the expression, and make a total mess out of everything they touched and still keep on winning general elections? But it gets worse: two disastrous wars, £2... 

Nick ‘Obama’ Clegg Can Do It. Or Can He?

April 27, 2010

Nick ‘Obama’ Clegg Can Do It. Or Can He?

Martin McCauley writes: Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader, has at last come clean: he now sees himself as Britain’s Barack Obama. If the Chicago wizard was able to hypnotise the American electorate, perhaps his techniques would work wonders for Nick and propel him into 10 Downing Street. Imagine a consultation between Clegg and his advisers on how to win the election. Clegg: Guys, we face an historic opportunity. The other two parties are on the ropes and we are in the ascendancy. People want change and I’ve adopted Barack’s slogan: ‘Yes, we can’. How do we keep up the momentum? Voice: Nick you are a genius. The LibDems have never seen anyone like you. We have to present you as the saviour of our country. People say you’re as popular as Winston Churchill. If you can add some... 

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

April 27, 2010

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present another fine selection of spoof breaking news items. From the Stirring Trouble team. Breaking News: Crisis in Thailand deepens as anti-government protesters switch from their iconic red shirts to pinkish ones. Breaking News: Poland is in mourning again as it is revealed that the twin brother of the late President Lech Kaczynski, Yaroslav, will replace him as head of state. Breaking News: Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin charms his hosts in Italy by striking impressive poses and making promises that he can’t keep. Breaking News: Italy’s government denies there’s a ‘thing going’ between Prime Minister Berlusconi and Russian leader Putin. They’re too macho for such silliness, Rome says. Breaking News: President Barack Obama admits that he models himself on Vladimir... 

Imagine A Foreign Office Memo Slagging Off Islam. That Would Be Something, Wouldn’t It?

April 26, 2010

Imagine A Foreign Office Memo Slagging Off Islam. That Would Be Something, Wouldn’t It?

Thomas Mathew writes: Let’s be cynical, let’s imagine for a moment that someone within the British Foreign Office had written a memo regarding a forthcoming visit of a leader of a large Muslim country and suggested that it would be a great idea to ask the distinguished guest to tuck into a pork chop during the official dinner, share a few rude jokes with the hosts about the Prophet and be a guest in a civil partnership ceremony. Imagine, also, that such a memo would have been sent to several dozen FO officials and then became public knowledge. Now what do you think would have happened to the person who wrote such a document? I guess he’d have quickly written a letter of resignation and might have even been looking at a possibility of facing charges of inciting religious hatred. In any... 

South Korea Ponders Ways Of Dealing With Its Neighbour

April 25, 2010

South Korea Ponders Ways Of Dealing With Its Neighbour

Martin McCauley writes: Recently a stray North Korean torpedo sank a South Korean vessel. All of a sudden the South Koreans had a problem on their hands: they had to decide whether to beat the war drum or pretend that it was just an accident. Imagine a meeting of South Korean President Lee Myung-bak with his ministers and advisers. President: People, we’re in a tricky situation. Our coastal vessel was sunk by a North Korean torpedo and the victims’ families are demanding retribution. But we have to be careful because the North has got so many economic problems that it could jump at the chance of having a war with us to distract its population from the current hardships. How do we proceed? Voice: Mr President, you are right as always, something has to be done. Otherwise these crazy communists... 

Nick Clegg Is Cool. Vote For Him People. If You Like That Sort Of Thing In Politicians

April 25, 2010

Nick Clegg Is Cool. Vote For Him People. If You Like That Sort Of Thing In Politicians

Dan Majestic writes: I’m going to vote for Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrat leader, on May 6. Yes, I’m going to cross out everyone else on my bulletin and write in: ‘I give my vote to Nick Clegg, a great looking guy.’ That’s what I’m going to do. And I suggest that all of you, people, who reside on the British Isles and have the right to vote do the same. We need change and Clegg is change. He said it himself recently, ‘Yes, we can.’ And suddenly I imagined the LibDem leader as the British Barack Obama, cool and sophisticated, talking bullshit, but with conviction and a sense of pride in what he says. Let’s face it, the other options are just non-starters. The current PM, Gordon Brown, is a buffoon and, possibly, an alien. Whenever he speaks he chews his tongue and bangs on... 

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