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Having Another Go At Superheroes. Men In Tights With Small Penises

April 19, 2010

A Few Thoughts About Superheroes. And Disney’s Strange Deal With Marvel Adam Lovejoy writes: As Iron Man 2, the sequel to one of the stupidest super-hero movies of all time, Iron Man, is about to hit the big screen, we ask: who in his right mind would pay money to go see a two-hour film about a man who dresses in a suit made out of iron and flies around, looking for some bad guys to pick a fight with? Especially as Iron Man is played by Robert Downey Junior (who the hell is Robert Downey Senior?), who walks tall at his 5”4 and whose love interest is Pepper Potts, portrayed by the sultry Gwyneth Paltrow, a woman who looks and sound like a waitress from a roadside café somewhere in Eastern Europe.

The concept of superheroes probably appeals to people with very low expectations, the easily excitable, who would sit through any film if it looks like a PC game and has blokes is weird looking costumes flying or jumping over tall buildings and battling some baddies bent on destroying the world just for the fun of it. It is quite spooky to think that seemingly grown up individuals accept the notion of someone acquiring superpowers under some strange circumstances and using them for all sorts of stupid things, like snatching screaming broads from the paths of speeding trains or causing mayhem and destruction just because they feel like picking a fight with some crazed evil inventor or a delusional weirdo. Because for every superhero out there there’s always a nasty creep with super powers to take on.

Why is it, I ask, that superheroes never do anything worthwhile like fixing the bloody climate or turning the rivers the other way round to push out the desert? Or at least use their powers to make themselves fabulously rich and get out of sight for good. You know, Iron Man or batman or Spiderman earning a bundle on interviews and private kissogram appearances and buggering off to some island in the middle of nowhere to write their memoirs with a huge advance.

But now, our lovable freaks always have to hang around places where some evil dude is bound to appear at any moment and then there would be no way of stopping them until they smash the surroundings to bits without really solving the dispute. Or even worse, our superheroes fall for some average looking broads like it happens in all Spiderman or Superman flicks and drool endlessly over them, even though if they would have revealed themselves to them the chicks in question would be happy to go to bed with them no questions asked.

The impression I always got was that superheroes were simply too dumb to figure out how to use their mighty powers. Not to mention that they always dressed up in the most absurd looking tight fitting costumes that were supposed to show off their impressive physique, while highlighting the sad fact that their penises were quite tiny and did not manifest themselves at all. The one thing that all of the superheroes seemed to lack was brains. Somehow the grey matter missed on the super powers and remained small and unexciting. Otherwise why would they be wearing silly costumes and talking in silly voices?

And there is one more deeply disturbing thing about superheroes: they are all politically correct as shit. No smoking, no drinking, no womanising and no swearing. They are all extremely conscious of climate change – even though they do absolutely nothing about it – and they favour globalisation, recycling, further strengthening of UN and other unelected and unaccountable institutions. Some superheroes are so PC that they actually support the idea of creating a world government that makes them more like Free Masons or even Satanists.

But do people who go to watch all that superhero crap care? Nope, they think it’s all just a bit of fun. Even though it’s probably one of the biggest brain dumbers after PC games.

– End –

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