More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

June 30, 2010

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present another selection of spoof breaking news items. Compiled by the boys from the Stirring Trouble team. Breaking News: At his first G8 summit Prime Minister David Cameron is forced to go through an initiation ritual by picking up a cherry from the floor with his bare buttocks. Breaking News: At a meeting with President Obama PM Cameron says things that he knows he’ll never regret. Like: ‘I’ll suck up to America like Tony Blair did.’ Breaking News: As ten Russian spies are arrested in the US the Kremlin issues a statement saying these were simple people who got mixed in things they couldn’t understand. Breaking News: European Union leaders admit they are trying to save the euro just for the fun of it. We don’t really give a shit what happens, they say. We’re all loaded... 

Implementing Rules For Radicals: President Obama’s Mission Impossible?

June 29, 2010

Implementing Rules For Radicals: President Obama’s Mission Impossible?

Martin McCauley writes from America: You might not know this, people, but in his CV President Barack Obama boasts extensive experience as a ‘community organiser’. Yep, that’s what he did in Chicago in the 1980s, when no one, himself included, could have imagined that he would one day end up in the White House. They say that some politicians in Washington find Mr Obama’s community organising experience unnerving. Why am I telling you this? Because President Obama is on a mission: to implement Rules for Radicals, as laid down by Saul Alinsky (1909-72) who wanted to change the world from what it was to what he believed in. He wrote: ‘The Prince was written by Machiavelli for the Haves on how to hold power. Rules for Radicals is written for the Have-Nots on how to take it away.’ Alinsky,... 

David Cameron Changes His Tune On Afghanistan. We Ask The Experts: How Come?

June 29, 2010

David Cameron Changes His Tune On Afghanistan. We Ask The Experts: How Come?

Dan Majestic writes: As Prime Minister David Cameron announces that British troops will stay in Afghanistan for another 5 years, ignoring all his previous statements about the conflict making no sense from the military point of view, we ask a group of distinguished experts: why the change in Mr Cameron’s stance and what is Britain’s policy on Afghanistan, if any? We provide the answers without any comments. These are raw opinions of people who know things and are not afraid to speak their mind. And sometimes make absolutely no sense. Professor Neil Upperbottom-Rude: Well, it’s obvious: Dave, as we say in academic circles, had his balls squeezed hard by You Know Who and started singing a different tune, now that he has weaselled his way into 10 Downing Street. The yanks want the British... 

BP’s New Slogan: We’re All In This Together

June 28, 2010

BP’s New Slogan: We’re All In This Together

Adam Lovejoy writes: As the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico grows bigger and British Petroleum shares are tumbling the oil giant’s public relations team is burning the midnight oil, trying to figure out how to get out of the mess they’ve got themselves in. Imagine a crisis meeting involving the new troubleshooting top BP exec, Robert Dudley, and his PR gurus. RD: Well, people, things are getting from bad to worse. I don’t even know how much worse they can get, considering that our shares have gone through the floor and the Americans are making our life hell. Suggestions please. Voice: We’ve got to keep out cool, boss. We need to convince everyone that we know what we’re doing. RD: But we don’t know what we’re doing! And everyone knows about it. Voice: Sure, but it’s all about... 

Fabio Capello Insists England Played Well With Germany. It’s Just That Germany Was Lucky

June 27, 2010

Fabio Capello Insists England Played Well With Germany. It’s Just That Germany Was Lucky

Adam Lovejoy writes: After England crashed out of the world cup, losing to Germany 1:4, Stirring Trouble asked England’s manager, Fabio Capello, to comment on the game and the end result. Through an interpreter. Stirring Trouble: So, Fabio, what are your thoughts about the game with Germany? Fabio Capello: We played well today. Yes, we played very well. We scored a goal and then scored another one, but it was disallowed. If it would have been allowed, we’d have won. Germany was lucky today. Yes, they were lucky. ST: Are you taking the piss, Fabio? FC: Me, no. I never take the piss. Why do you ask? ST: OK, let me put it another way: why did your team played so badly today? FC: What gave you that idea? ST: The result, Fabio. You lost 1:4 to Germany. The worst ever result for England in the... 

Hosting the G8 And G20 Summits Threatens To Bankrupt Canada

June 27, 2010

Hosting the G8 And G20 Summits Threatens To Bankrupt Canada

Anton Goryunov writes: As Canada decides to blow most of its annual budget on hosting the useless G8 and G20 summits on its soil and risks getting bankrupt we, at Stirring Trouble, ask: has the world gone totally mad or what? Who the hell needs these summits in the first place and, more importantly, why couldn’t the Canadian police and secret service simply pretend that they were proving protection on a scale not seen before in the history of providing protection? Who in his right mind would attempt to take out a G8 or G20 summit? Come on, fingers on the buzzers: who in his right mind would decide to attack a G8 or a G20 gathering? And the answer is… No one. This is becoming really stupid. At a time when the whole world is going through a recession and governments are demanding that their... 

How Boy George Ring-Fenced The Interests Of The Money Men

June 26, 2010

How Boy George Ring-Fenced The Interests Of The Money Men

R.F.Wilson writes: Pardon me for asking, but why is it that so many people fell for that stunt with Chancellor George ‘we’re all in this together’ Osborne’s so called austerity budget? I mean, it has the words ‘you’ve been just had’ written all over it. The bets are now on how quickly would Boy George, as he is also known, will become a billionaire when he leaves office. As a thank you gesture from the money men who were the only people to benefit from the austerity package, even though they had caused the whole mess in the first place and used up billions of taxpayers’ money to bail themselves out. No wonder rumour has it that when Mr Osborne left the chamber of the House of Commons he screamed, noiselessly, into his little fist: ‘I’ve done it! I’m going be rich, fabulously... 

Big Stan McChrystal Gets The Sack. For Offending His Boss. And Other Less Important People

June 25, 2010

Big Stan McChrystal Gets The Sack. For Offending His Boss. And Other Less Important People

Anton Goryunov writes: The commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan, General Stanley McChrystal, fell not as a result of a stray bullet or an improvised explosive device but because of his big mouth. Yes, Big Stan has made some offensive comments about his Commander-in-Chief in an interview to Rolling Stone magazine and has paid the price for that. President Obama wasted no time in summoning General McChrystal to Washington to tell him that he’s services were no longer needed. Details of the meeting between the General and his boss in the Oval Office have been provided to Stirring Trouble. Here’s what happened: President Obama (PO): To say that I’m very disappointed with you, General, would be an understatement. How dare you mock your Commander-in-Chief, and slag off other less... 

The Question Still Stands: Can One Man Steal $65 Billion?

June 24, 2010

The Question Still Stands: Can One Man Steal $65 Billion?

Adam Lovejoy writes: Well wouldn’t you know it: big Bernie Madoff, who’s doing life in a US prison for singlehandedly stealing $65 billion in a Ponzi scheme, has told some of his chums on the inside that just before his arrest in 2008 he had secretly transferred $9 billion to his ‘friends’ for safe keeping. Imagine the shock the authorities got when they heard about it. Bernie, you see, had confessed to stealing all the money himself and now, all of a sudden, a new ugly truth is starting to emerge: Mr Madoff, it seems, could have actually been in cahoots with others. How crazy is that? But enough of this nonsense. Let me pose a question that I asked on this website ages ago: can one man steal $65 billion? And the answer would be a resounding ‘no’! No one can steal that much... 

Britain Has Its Very Own Austerity Budget. Boy George Rejoices

June 23, 2010

Britain Has Its Very Own Austerity Budget. Boy George Rejoices

R.F.Wilson writes: Well, there you have it: Britain has its very own austerity budget. George Osborne, the youngest Chancellor of the Exchequer in British history, as we are told, has presented his package of fiscal measures to the nation, to help it save itself from, well, itself really. No more living beyond your means, was the main message. We’re all in this together, people. Even the Queen is chipping in and getting her civil list of eight million smackers a year frozen. The most important thing of all, of course, was that Boy George, as he is lovingly known among his friends, has managed to stick to the old tradition of keeping the budget statement as boring as possible. In fact, for the first 12 minutes or so he actually managed to say absolutely nothing of any relevance, concentrating... 

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