A Novel Way Of Ending A War: Call Your Troops Non-Combat

August 31, 2010

A Novel Way Of Ending A War: Call Your Troops Non-Combat

Anton Goryunov writes from Moscow: Well I’ll be darned: the Obama Administration has come up with a novel way of ending a war in a foreign land, Iraq in this particular case: cut down the numbers of occupying forces, call the remaining troops – six divisions to be exact – ‘non-combat’, insist that they are there for peaceful purposes and refuse to say when they’ll leave. It’s a new exciting concept of pulling your troops out without actually, well, pulling them out. Still, it looks good in news headlines, creates an impression that the war has been won, while allowing your boys to continue kicking foreign butt for as long as it takes. This new exciting concept of ‘ending’ wars and occupations opens up numerous opportunities for the future. Take Afghanistan, for... 

Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

August 30, 2010

Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more pearls of wisdom. From the Stirring Trouble team. I bet somewhere in hell there’s a huge department that sees to it that Hollywood gets all the funding it needs. And the secret world government got, like, together and decided that banks deserve more bail-out money. If time wasting was a criminal offense playing computer games constantly would probably carry 25 to life. Fascinating how most American TV news presenters look like zombies. Insincere, glassy eyed, ready to read any rubbish they’re given. Paris Hilton arrested for possessing cocaine? Coke is so 1990s. Fruity flavoured crack is all the rage now. Parents, every time you punish your kids for misbehaving remember what idiots you were when you were little. It’s time for Sean Connery to pack it in.... 

Of Cricket And Politics: Bribes, Wickets And All

August 30, 2010

Of Cricket And Politics: Bribes, Wickets And All

CL Lovett writes: Everyone knows that the great British legacy of its imperial past is the game played by flannelled fools to the bewilderment of most of the world – cricket. Cricket, famously, is the game where two sides of eleven players go out, and are in, and then go in because they are out. Then the other side goes out, and is in, and goes in because they are out. Maidens are played. Silly points catch (or drop) left-handers who misread Chinamen. Simple, as long as you have a tea towel with the instructions. Last week the England team have played the Pakistan team. In they went and, halfway through, it was alleged that brilliant Pakistani bowlers had taken bribes to ‘organise’ no-balls. The television replays suggest that (ignoring coincidences) something very odd indeed... 

Questions That No One Dares To Ask Politicians And Celebs

August 29, 2010

Questions That No One Dares To Ask Politicians And Celebs

R.F.Wilson writes: Have you ever imagined what sort of politically incorrect and deeply offensive questions could be put in interviews to some of the world leaders, both current and former, and celebs? Here are some examples: In an interview with President Barack Obama: How does it feel to be the first practicing Muslim to run the United States? In an interview with former South African President Nelson Mandela: Do you miss the days when you were a terrorist? In an interview with French President Nicolas Sarkozy: So tell me, Mr President, did you marry Carla Bruni for money or for the kinky sexual practices that she’s famous for? In an interview with German Chancellor Angela Merkel: When you worked as a hooker in communist East Germany did you ever imagine that one day you’d be running... 

Hillary’s No Rush Diplomacy Works Wonders. Well, Sort Of

August 28, 2010

Hillary’s No Rush Diplomacy Works Wonders. Well, Sort Of

Dan Majestic writes from Washington: All of you hunks out there: I bet you fancy Hillary Clinton like mad? Come on guys, that woman is hot. Just thinking about all that power she’s yielding could make any hot-blooded male get all steaming and throbbing. There she struts around the world, whispering sweet little nothings to politicians, giving therm that suggestive look and really getting things moving. Although, to be perfectly honest, that last bit about ‘getting things moving’ might be a bit of an overstatement. Cause Hillary, you see, is not the type of girl who likes to rush things. Good things come to those who wait, as they say, and Mrs Clinton is prepared to take her time. Sure, pretty much nothing happened on her shift as Secretary of State – yet. But hey, Rome... 

Putin’s Prayer: Dear God, Help Me Make Russia Great Again

August 27, 2010

Putin’s Prayer: Dear God, Help Me Make Russia Great Again

Anton Goryunov writes from Moscow: From the files of the former KGB, known as ‘your friendly FSB’ for the last 15 odd years, comes the secret recording of Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s prayer that he performed recently, in his private chapel in his official residence outside Moscow, safe in the belief that no one was listening: Dear God, I really need your help in making Russia great again. Things have not been going well, to be honest. I mean, most of the outside world still thinks that we’re growing stronger by the day and getting that economy moving, but to tell you the truth, outside Moscow it’s a mess. And I mean a real mess. I’d even say things are worse now than they have been in Soviet times. Yes, that’s how bad it is. So it would be great, dear God, if you... 

Pissing Off The People Behind The Relief Effort In Haiti. And In Pakistan As Well

August 26, 2010

Pissing Off The People Behind The Relief Effort In Haiti. And In Pakistan As Well

R.F.Wilson writes: Well wouldn’t you know it: there are over 800 international relief agencies operating in Haiti, working their fingers to the bone to overcome the devastating effects of the earthquake that had hit the island in January of this year. These fine men and women are backed by thousands of US troops that have been sent in to see to it that the locals don’t interfere with the relief effort. Like, for example, grabbing some food or bottled water, in a chaotic, disorderly fashion, and running off with it without allowing the hacks to photograph the heartwarming scenes of aid being distributed among the needy. As for money that has been donated to fund the relief effort, it now amounts to many hundreds of millions, and growing. The United Nations is involved, the World Bank, the... 

In The Front Line: Digging In Deep In The Trenches Of Economic Terrorism

August 25, 2010

In The Front Line: Digging In Deep In The Trenches Of Economic Terrorism

Ray Gamotopoulos writes from Athens: Indicators point to another round of bailouts and frauds to paper over the humbling descent to debt peonage for the people of Greece. The government has slashed the budget deficit by a whopping 39.7% and its spending by 10% – 4.5% more than the IMF had demanded. Could this be the first sign that elected servants-turned-masters have finally come to their senses or have the treasonous pay-offs from Vampire Squid Inc. reached their Cayman accounts earlier than anticipated? The bite of ‘austerity’ has not sunk deep enough for the Greeks who are still chilling out on the beach to ruin their holiday with thoughts of cutting back on their lifestyle. It’s an issue they’ll tackle in September, when they’re back to form the angry crowds that reject... 

More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team

August 24, 2010

More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more hilarious breaking news items. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. Breaking News: White House says the forthcoming Israeli/Palestinian talks in Washington have all to do with PR. And pretty much nothing else. Breaking News: Hillary Clinton says that every time she mentions peace in the Middle East to Israeli officials they laugh hysterically. Breaking News: Asked whether President Obama is a practising Muslim White House spokesman says: depends what you mean by ‘practising’. Breaking News: White House denies that the refurbishments of its premises include the construction of a minaret tower. It will come, but it will come later, spokesman explains. Breaking News: In his regular message to the American people Osama bin Laden says that Ground Zero is a place that... 

Wondering: Are President Obama’s Advisors Any Good?

August 23, 2010

Wondering: Are President Obama’s Advisors Any Good?

Dan Majestic writes from Washington: I wonder, I sometimes wonder: are President Obama’s advisors any good? Because sometimes I get this strange feeling that most of his people are working against him. These otherwise fine men and women seem to be creating numerous problems for their boss, including that grand fiasco of telling him to throw his weight behind the construction of a mosque near Ground Zero. I can just see it happening as aides, one after another, tell Mr Obama in the Oval Office: ‘Mr President, why don’t you give your full support to the building of that mosque in New York. Especially as there are only two mosques at the moment in that part of the city and a third one would really make a difference for some people.’ And once the President did that, these very same... 

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