More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 30, 2010

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more pearls of wisdom. From the Stirring Trouble team. Strange that everyone has forgotten the main rule of capitalism: if you can get away with it, you should. Once upon a time there were no banks in the world. And it was good. You mock their religion, and they just stare at you. You say something critical about their favourite footballer, and they go apeshit. All this talk about China becoming a superpower is rubbish. A communist state is always destined to fall apart. And China will, soon. With all disrespect to George Bush, the principle idea to go to war in Iraq was taken under Bill Clinton. Well, well, well. Bono’s charities are revealed to have blown most of the money they collected of themselves. U2 Brutus? Tom Cruise playing tough guys? It just doesn’t... 

Test Your Sausages, Those Penis-Shaped Objects, Before You Eat Them

September 29, 2010

Test Your Sausages, Those Penis-Shaped Objects, Before You Eat Them

Dan Majestic writes: Have you been buying and, even more importantly, eating sausages lately? You know, those penis-shaped objects in plastic packs? The ones that are labelled as containing no less than 70 per cent meat? (What is then the other 30 per cent, I wonder?) Yes, there were times, ladies and gents, when these hot favourites of any family meal – collective meal or individual, with each family member eating in his or her room – were really tasty. Yummy, as they used to say. You boiled a couple of those babies, put them on a plate, beside mash or peas, and felt good by just looking at them. They looked tasty and they even had a whiff of a smell of meat. But not anymore. Nope, the days of great tasting sausages sold in supermarkets are gone. Out of the window. No more. No... 

Driving In London: Rants Of A Madman

September 28, 2010

Driving In London: Rants Of A Madman

R.F.Wilson writes as if he’s nuts: I can’t stand people crossing the streets. Bloody pedestrians! They come up to a crossing and have that look in their eyes as if we, drivers, owe them something. And so we stop, cursing them for wasting our time. What’s there on the other side of the road that they so desperately need all of a sudden? The way I see it, there’s not much difference between the two sides. So why can’t the stay on one or the other? But no, these wankers have nothing better to do than cross the road. And we, the drivers, have to let them do it. Hurry up, people! If you’ve got time to kill don’t think everyone else is at it too. And you know what else pisses me off in people who cross roads? Before they step on the crossing they give drivers... 

Tony Blair Writes Passionately. About His Greatness, His Charm And Wisdom

September 27, 2010

Tony Blair Writes Passionately. About His Greatness, His Charm And Wisdom

Adam Lovejoy writes: Here’s another chunk of the ‘dictated version’ of Tony Blair’s memoirs. Allegedly. He could well have dictated them first, and later it was turned into a book called A Journey. The problem with the book itself, on which we’ve based our imaginary dictation, is that by chapter four it becomes excruciatingly boring. That’s why we decided to keep our version as concise and short as we could, to avoid the risk of getting sucked into the horrible world of Blair’s never ending bullshit, if you pardon the expression. The fourth chapter of our ‘dictated version’, called Honeymoon, is entitled Swinger’s Delight, for no apparent reason to be honest. (To have an idea of the previous three parts, please feel free to visit the posts on September 6, September 8... 

Cynical Glance At Goings On Around The World. Middle East Peace Process And All

September 27, 2010

Cynical Glance At Goings On Around The World. Middle East Peace Process And All

Dan Majestic writes from New York: Let’s cast a cynical look around the world, so that you can get at least some idea of what’s really going on. We are supposed to watch with trepidation as the future of the Middle East peace process hangs in the balance, with the moratorium on building new Israeli settlements on the occupied Palestinian territories having expired and the Palestinian President Mahmud Abbas threatening to walk out of the talks with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu if construction resumes. As if he actually ever believed that these talks, initiated by the Obama Administration to boost its standing before the November elections to the US Congress, would achieve anything. Even US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is usually the last to know what the hell is going on, now... 

Of Crazy Goings On At The UN. And Other Craziness Around The Globe

September 25, 2010

Of Crazy Goings On At The UN. And Other Craziness Around The Globe

Dan Majestic writes from New York: Crazy things are happening around the world. Let me take you on a roller coaster ride, people, and tell about some crazy goings on. First stop, New York, where the UN General Assembly, a useless gathering of 192 nations, is taking place at the moment. And you’ll never guess what happened here: a summit on poverty and hunger happened. Yep, for two whole days world leaders were discussing ways of ending poverty and starvation. As if they had no idea that all that wonderful money that is supposed to help the poorest nations is re-directed to off-shore accounts of certain individuals, or is misused by charities. And what has been decided at the summit? To give even more money to certain individuals and charities. Is it crazy or what? But there was more craziness... 

More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team

September 24, 2010

More Breaking News Items. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more hilarious breaking news items. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. Breaking News: At a summit of world leaders in New York on the Millennium Development Goals things are said about poor people that are not for the fainthearted. Breaking News: US and UK delegates who walked out of the UN General Assembly during President Ahmadinejad’s speech admit they fancied a pint. Breaking News: UN summit on poverty concludes that it’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sickly. Breaking News: US Defence Secretary Robert Gates reveals that he sometimes feels awkward that his personal wealth has outstripped that of his twin brother Bill. Breaking News: Sarah Palin reveals that she cuddles her hunting trophies when she feels she needs someone to relate to. Breaking News:... 

Tony Blair’s Memoirs. As Dictated By The Man Himself. Possibly

September 23, 2010

Tony Blair’s Memoirs. As Dictated By The Man Himself. Possibly

Adam Lovejoy writes: So, Tony Blair’s memoirs are out. In hardback, with his grinning mug on it. It’s called A Journey. Although it could have been called The Smell Of Fear, as it has a lot of fear in it. We are told that he wrote it himself. Took time from making all his millions and wrote it. When did Blair write anything himself? Just asking. Well, I sat down to read the volume, all 700 pages of it, and you know what? I have a strange feeling that Blair could have dictated this stuff to his aides, who then tried to make some sense out of it. Today we present the first part of our fictional version, as dictated by the great man himself, concentrating on the first chapter entitled High Expectations in the original, but which we called Running Scared. All The Way To Downing Street: On... 

What Is The Point Of Chewing Gum? None At All

September 23, 2010

What Is The Point Of Chewing Gum? None At All

R.F.Wilson writes: It happened again yesterday: I stepped on a chewing gum that someone had spit out on the pavement and spent a good quarter of an hour trying to scrub the disgusting piece of sticky rubbery substance from the sole of my shoe with a coin. I got so angry at one point that I threw the coin as far as possible and just stood there, trying to get my senses together. Why do people go around chewing gum. Why the hell do they do it? Do they think that it makes them look cool? It doesn’t. It makes them look as if they are chewing a condom or something without being able to swallow it. There really has to be some reason why adults – I don’t include children in here because kids are supposed to be stupid – walk into a shop, pick a pack of chewing gum, proceed... 

Does Anyone Anywhere Care What Happens At The 65th UN General Assembly? Find The Answer Here

September 21, 2010

Does Anyone Anywhere Care What Happens At The 65th UN General Assembly? Find The Answer Here

Dan Majestic writes from New York: You may not know this, people, but the main session of the 65th General Assembly of the United Nations is about to begin in New York this week. Check out the exciting theme of the general debate: ‘Reaffirming the central role of the United Nations in global governance.’ Is it exciting or what? It’s not really, but as it was proposed by the President of the General Assembly, a certain Joseph Deiss (he insists on having two ‘s’ in his name) of Switzerland, it all obviously makes sense. This year a record 140 heads of state and government are attending the General Assembly, including most of the hated dictators and democratically unelected leaders. They’ll be getting together to burn taxpayers’ hard earned cash, discussing, among other things,... 

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