Test Your Sausages, Those Penis-Shaped Objects, Before You Eat Them
September 29, 2010
Dan Majestic writes: Have you been buying and, even more importantly, eating sausages lately? You know, those penis-shaped objects in plastic packs? The ones that are labelled as containing no less than 70 per cent meat? (What is then the other 30 per cent, I wonder?)
Yes, there were times, ladies and gents, when these hot favourites of any family meal – collective meal or individual, with each family member eating in his or her room – were really tasty. Yummy, as they used to say. You boiled a couple of those babies, put them on a plate, beside mash or peas, and felt good by just looking at them. They looked tasty and they even had a whiff of a smell of meat.
But not anymore. Nope, the days of great tasting sausages sold in supermarkets are gone. Out of the window. No more. No sign of those great times anywhere.
So what happened, you may ask. What is wrong with the modern sausage? It looks like the sausage of old, does it not? The colour is slightly lighter, you would argue, but the sausage is still the same length and shape, penis-shaped, and has a whiff of a smell of, well, something. And it can be kept in the fridge for a month or more in its tight plastic packaging.
The problem with the modern sausage – and I mean the sausage that you buy in supermarkets, ready packed – is that it has lost a lot in terms of quality. It’s now made out of mince that includes many things that I don’t even want to mention. It’s still 70 per cent meat, as it says on the label, but it’s meat not as we know it.
So here is a test for all of you: buy a pack of sausages in a supermarket, take out the sausages and put them into boiling water, keeping them there for a minute or two. Take the sausages out of the water and put them on a plate. Give them about 15 minutes to lie there. Watch the sausages get all wrinkly, like an old man’s penis. Taste them and you will feel as if you’re chewing toilet paper. The hot water, you see, would have evaporated by then and left the ‘70 per cent’ meat all by its little old self.
You will find, my friends, that the sausages you have bought were already dead. In a sense that they were not really proper sausages.
The problem is that big companies have long ago realised that you can actually push up prices on groceries by changing their content and ‘improving’ them endlessly. You write the magical words on the label ‘new improved recipe’ and get away with murder. You can also change the size of the product, cut down the meat content or, my personal favourite, you can say that it’s ‘half fat’ yet charge exactly the same price as for full fat.
This is very clever, that last one. You take out half the goodness of the product but you keep the price exactly the same. Wonderful. Even bankers look like pussycats with their rip-off schemes compared to that.
So I say to you people: test your sausages, those penis-shaped objects, before you eat them. And do read the labels on them.
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