Reminding People Of Britain How Their Constitutional Set Up Works

October 31, 2010

Reminding People Of Britain How Their Constitutional Set Up Works

Thomas Mathew reports from the Palace of Westminster: While members of the unelected coalition grapple with the financial problems they have inherited from the previous Labour government, by placing the burden firmly on the shoulders of the taxpayers, it would be a good time to remind them how the good old British Constitution works. Because most of the coalition members seem to be blissfully unaware of it. I’d like to begin by stating that the constitution of the United Kingdom is a set of laws and principles under which the Kingdom is governed. Unlike many other nations, the UK has no core constitutional document. It is therefore often said that the country has an ‘unwritten constitution’. However, the word ‘unwritten’ is something of a misnomer as much of the... 

Of Package Plots And Ginger Rodents And Excrement Pushed Through The Letter Box: World Events At A Glance

October 31, 2010

Of Package Plots And Ginger Rodents And Excrement Pushed Through The Letter Box: World Events At A Glance

Dan Majestic and Ben delicious report from all over the place: As shock waves caused by the so called transatlantic bomb plot continue to reverberate across Europe and America, Western leaders are anxiously thinking of how best to use the incident to boost their respective standings in their respective nations. President Barack Obama and his aides and advisors have already put on a great show, demonstrating that they realise the level of the threat that two packages with explosives in them sent to America from Yemen pose. White House and Homeland Security officials promised the nation, in stern voices, that everything would be done to prevent any more packages arriving from abroad. Read my lips, one security official told Stirring Trouble over the phone: No more parcels coming here, kapish?... 

Of Spooks And Secrecy: ‘C’ Of MI6 Tells It Like It Is

October 30, 2010

Of Spooks And Secrecy: ‘C’ Of MI6 Tells It Like It Is

Adam Lovejoy reports from outside the headquarters of MI6 in London: Don’t you just love the way Sir John Sawers, head of British Secret Intelligence Service, also known as MI6, blew his cover to announce that torturing terrorists is a bad thing. There he was, suit and tie and a red poppy in his lapel, telling hacks that his boys would never stoop so low as to mistreat some punk who was planning to blow up a nursery or a school in the name of Allah, because his human rights were of paramount importance to MI6. Basically Sir John, aslo known as ‘C’ to protect his identity, was telling the terrorist community: Don’t worry, if we’ll catch you, you’ll be treated with kindness and respect that you deserve. And I bet the boys from some Martyr Brigade cheered at their secret hideaway... 

There’s Something Very Fishy About This Package Plot

October 30, 2010

There’s Something Very Fishy About This Package Plot

Ben Delicious writes from the banks of the River Thames: Call me a cynic, but the moment I heard about those two packages from Yemen containing explosives that were found on planes in Dubai and in Britain  headed for the United States, I thought to myself: hang on, there’ something fishy here. Let me explain myself. Imagine you’re a terrorist based in Yemen and you are bent of teaching the Great Satan a lesson. Imagine you come up with a dastardly plan: you send a couple of packages to America by air mail containing explosive devices, hoping they would blow up on arrival, or close to that time. Now comes the question: would you actually send these explosive packages to the US from Yemen directly, considering that your country is in the top three list of terrorist safe havens? Of course... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

October 29, 2010

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we introduce more pearls of wisdom and observations of life generally from the Stirring Trouble team. How can you not like cats? It’s perverse! So what if they don’t like people. What’s there to like? A hitman’s work is never done. Look at Tony Blair – he’s still around. Remember people, most 5-star hotels in the world are legalised bordellos. Friendly staff can arrange a shag in seconds. If a cunt like George Soros supports legalising marijuana that it should stay banned. And he should be banned as well. Girls, Mother Nature has manifestly given you virginity to hold on to it for as long as possible. And what do you do? You go and lose it at the first opportunity. As I look at some youths today I think to myself: so young, yet so politically correct.... 

Give Kids Credit Cards, Say Mobsters. So They Can Buy As Much Junk Food As They Want

October 29, 2010

Give Kids Credit Cards, Say Mobsters. So They Can Buy As Much Junk Food As They Want

Dan Majestic writes: Poll conducted by Stirring Trouble among gangsters in Europe has shown that they have a soft spot for kiddies. Five out of every seven criminals, polled both on the inside (that’s in jail) and on the outside, said they think that kids should have as much junk food as they want from the earliest age. As one mobster, Billy ‘Bonecrusher’ Jenkins, explained, kids need a lot of ‘f..king vitamins’ that come in junk food. ‘I’s always eaten that shit when I was a kid and I feel great now,’ he said. ‘Look at my fists. They’s became huge from eating burgers and chips, and I used ‘em a lot to get things done. Every kid should have a chance to have fists like me.’ Bobby ‘Shotgun’ McCrystal, currently on the run for pulling... 

Cherie Blair Sells Her Husband’s Prized Signature On eBay. Tony Blair’s Devastated

October 29, 2010

Cherie Blair Sells Her Husband’s Prized Signature On eBay. Tony Blair’s Devastated

Ben Delicious writes from central London: The latest disturbing news from the Blair household is that while Tony was away, hard earning his money, Cherie, his wife, sold some of his most prized possessions, incuding his framed signature, to an unknown woman, for £10. And the deranged woman didn’t stop there. She then sold her husband’s favourite Cannon ink cartridge, which was allegedly given to him as a present by Chancellor Angela Merkel, for £5 and a set of two matching Spode Italian ornamentals plates, a present from the Pope, for £3. The last item to be sold that day, for a staggering £98, was Blair’s personal Oversized Titanium Watch, which was a present from Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who liked Tony a lot, in a non sexual way, an showered him with presents every time... 

Bill and Barack: The Odd Couple

October 28, 2010

Bill and Barack: The Odd Couple

Dan Majestic writes from Washington: Is President Barack Obama desperate or what? He’s sent Bill Clinton to campaign across the land to help avoid a meltdown at the upcoming midterm elections to US Congress. That’s pretty desperate in my book. Or in any book for that matter. Bill and Barack make an odd couple. Several months ago they had an unscheduled meeting in the White House, when things were already not looking good for the current President, resulting in a deal for Clinton to lend a helping hand to the Democrat’s election campaign. Mr Obama, for some bizarre reason, seems to think that having Bill on board is a great advantage. But it’s not. It was Bill, who had buried his wife’s chances during the race between the Democratic nominees. Voters simple couldn’t stomach the possibility... 

‘Man Band’ Take That Hits The Road

October 27, 2010

‘Man Band’ Take That Hits The Road

Ben Delicious writes from central London: Hold your presses editors and hide your daughters parents: the boy band turned ‘man band’ Take That is back in full singing force, with that music genius Robbie Williams joining the talented foursome – and I use the term ‘foursome’ in a good natured non-sexual way – in hitting the road next year on a 20-date European tour. This is probably the most exciting reunion in pop music ever. Outside the United States, that is, where Take That isn’t known that well. Hardly, actually. But then the yanks were never good at recognising real musical talent – so it doesn’t really matter. At a press conference yesterday in London the ‘man band’ members told it like it is. Garry Barlow, who lost several inches... 

Tony Blair Prepares To Give Evidence To The Iraq War Inquiry. One More Time

October 27, 2010

Tony Blair Prepares To Give Evidence To The Iraq War Inquiry. One More Time

Adam Lovejoy writes: Have you heard the news? Tony Blair will be recalled to face the Chilcot inquiry into the war in Iraq and explain some of the things that he’d been evasive about the last time he gave evidence in January. Sir John Chilcot, who heads the inquiry, is probably writing a letter to him as you read this, telling him he needs to come for a bit of a grilling. The word is that the moment Tony had heard the bad news, he cancelled all his engagements and started to prepare for the hearings, just like he did the last time he faced his examiners. One source, who claims to know things, said: ‘Tony is scared. Before he felt totally protected, with a Labour government running things. But now there’s a new lot in power and he is worried sick they might get ideas.’ According... 

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