Adam Lovejoy reports from outside the headquarters of MI6 in London: Don’t you just love the way Sir John Sawers, head of British Secret Intelligence Service, also known as MI6, blew his cover to announce that torturing terrorists is a bad thing. There he was, suit and tie and a red poppy in his lapel, telling hacks that his boys would never stoop so low as to mistreat some punk who was planning to blow up a nursery or a school in the name of Allah, because his human rights were of paramount importance to MI6. Basically Sir John, aslo known as ‘C’ to protect his identity, was telling the terrorist community: Don’t worry, if we’ll catch you, you’ll be treated with kindness and respect that you deserve. And I bet the boys from some Martyr Brigade cheered at their secret hideaway in Birmingham or Leeds or Sheffield, carrying on planning their bombings, having been reassured by Big John himself that they have nothing to fear from MI6.
Strictly speaking, this was not the first outing of ‘C’. Last year the photo of him wearing short sexy swimming trunks, horsing around on a beach, had appeared on the social network Facebook, all thanks to his charming wife ‘S’, as she is known by her 5 million friends on the web. ‘S’ thought that ‘C’ had a body to die for and it would be a great idea if people on Facebook could see who she went out with and had a bit of a cuddle every now and then. A lot of people liked Sir John’s image so much that they asked ‘S’ to tell them more about him. Osama from Pakistan and Omar for Afghanistan were keen to know, for example, where ‘C’ ‘liked to hang out’ and how he managed to stay in such great shape and all. Osama also asked for Sir John’s address so that he could send him a parcel with goodies for Christmas, and ‘S’ saw no harm in providing him with their postal details.
Anyway, since then both ‘C’ and ‘S’ have been relocated to another address, so Osama’s presents didn’t reach them in the end. Although some pensioners and her 12 cats, who had moved into their house, was blown up to bits around Christmas time, due to a faulty boiler or something. But then again, shit happens and it happened to that pensioner.
In his speech to the hacks Sir John also stressed the need for more secrecy for his people, saying, with brutal honesty, that if MI6’s operations and methods became known to everyone, they simply wouldn’t work. The stunned audience sat in total silence for a while, digesting this piece of information. It was, as one hack who was peresent there said, a classical ‘No shit’ situation.
There were more exciting things revealed on that day, including the pledge by Britain’s spy boss that Islamic terrorism was here to stay, sending a group of Muslims present at his speech into a frantic celebration of their cause.
Little did ‘C’ know that as he was speaking, Al-Qaeda was implementing its latest attrocity, sending two packages with crackers in them, from Yemen to Chicago, by air mail, hoping that it would cause panic and mayhem once word about the deadly cargo spreads around. The plan worked so well, thanks to the panicky reports of all major TV news networks, that most Western governments barricaded themselves in their secret bunkers, pretending to discuss measures to deal with the crisis. In Britain, Prime Minister David Cameron held an extended meeting of Cobra, a selected group of ministers, who like to wear superhero costumes, with music from Mission Impossible playing in the background. The meeting lasted four hours and ended in the traditional piss-up, with the Home Secretary Theresa May performing a slow striptease act, while others clapped and cheered loudly.
Meanwhile in America White House officials have asked heads of the US intelligence community whether it would be possible to scale down the number of agencies that have to be mentioned taking part in anti-terrorist operation. In the latest incident White House spokesman had to name about a dozen agencies, several times in a row, and at one point got so confused that he inadvertently put in the names of ‘KGB’ and ‘Mossad’ into his statement.
By the last count there are about 150 intelligence agencies in the US that are busy protecting the peace loving Americans and this number is expected to rise following the latest terrorist atrocity dubbed ‘package plot’ by spooks to give it a more sinister meaning. It remains to be seen how the US intelligence community would respond to this request, as it is very touchy when it comes to mentioning its branches that are involved in covert operations.
And on a final note: how about that Corrinne Sawers, Sir John’s daughter, posing on Facebook with an AK-47 assault rifle? Those Sawers, they’re just all guys, aren’t they?
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