Who Cares Who Wins The World Cup? It’s The Voting Process In Fifa That Keeps Everyone All Excited

November 30, 2010

Who Cares Who Wins The World Cup? It’s The Voting Process In Fifa That Keeps Everyone All Excited

Dan Majestic reports from Zurich: Who cares about football and who wins the next World Cup or the one after! It’s the way Fifa votes on who gets to host the future World Cup competitions that gets everyone really excited, like it is happening now in Zurich where football world governing body has its luxury headquarters. Imagine the intrigue, the nods and the winks, the haggling over money, the mutual suspicions, the jealousy and envy and the promises of sexual and other favours. Yes, the countdown to the big day is now measured in hours. On Thursday, December 2, 2010 AD Fifa’s executive committee will select the host countries for the 2018 and 2022 World Cup tournaments. Dodgy looking blokes, who have descended on Zurich, are already predicting that the 2018 World Cup would be the most... 

On Women Trying Hard To Impress Total Strangers

November 29, 2010

On Women Trying Hard To Impress Total Strangers

Adam Lovejoy writes from Amsterdam: Women, let me ask you this: why is it that so many of you are trying to impress total strangers? How come do you make an effort to look your best when you are in public but not when you are at home with your hubby or your partner? I bet you’re wondering what I’m on about and where it’s all going. Well, let me explain myself: I’ve heard rumblings of a debate that is raging, if you pardon such a strong word, among the sisterhood about the age when women become ‘too old’ to wear mini-skirts. Some of the sisters are saying that early twenties would probably be the right age to quit wearing minis and get into a more conservative groove. But others say that there’s no age barrier and women can wear mini-skirts for as long... 

Trust The Yanks To Let Us All Down With Cablegate. No Really Juicy Facts Revealed

November 29, 2010

Trust The Yanks To Let Us All Down With Cablegate. No Really Juicy Facts Revealed

Anton Goryunov writes from Washington: Trust the yanks to blow an opportunity of a lifetime and reveal some really juicy stories about world leaders and politics generally. Instead, they leak some really boring stuff from their diplomatic cable traffic stating who said what to whom about someone else without giving us something really chunky to chew on. Who cares, for example, if American diplomats compared Iranian President Ahmadinejad to Adolf Hitler. What’s new in that? Of course Ahmadinejad behaves like a Nazi nutter. But what we want know is whether he is gay or Jewish or both, or does he, for example, like to dress up in women’s clothes and hang out in bars with drunken Revolutionary Guards. And what so big a deal about Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin labelled by the US diplomats... 

A Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Phoney Leaks, Dodgy Bail-Outs And Royal Silliness

November 29, 2010

A Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Phoney Leaks, Dodgy Bail-Outs And Royal Silliness

Dan Majestic and Anton Goryunov write from London: The biggest news comes from the blogosphere where the website WikiLeaks posted the first instalment of the correspondence between the US State Department and American embassies across the world. What should we conclude from all of this? Well, first of all, we can safely assume that the yanks have leaked this information on purpose, considering how much of it actually plays into their hands. Most of the stuff that has been released up to now has no value in it at all and reveals absolutely nothing new or damaging to anyone. In fact, a lot of it was simple picked from the tabloid press and packaged as some ‘secret communications’ which says a lot about what sort of dimwits populate US embassies across the world. The funniest thing of all... 

How Come So Many People Get Taken For A Ride At Christmas With Such Ease?

November 28, 2010

How Come So Many People Get Taken For A Ride At Christmas With Such Ease?

Ben Delicious writes from London: How come so many people get taken for a ride with such ease? It’s like a lot of them have turned into some version of Pavlov’s dogs who respond to commands – the feeding bell rings and Rex’s saliva starts to drool – however stupid or untimely they are. Take the Christmas shopping stampede: now who on earth goes out to buy all that Chinese made junk that they don’t need when everyone’s up to their eyeballs in debt and the future doesn’t really look all that good. And yet, millions of people in Britain respond like Pavlov’s dogs to the retail trade’s call: come and get it, folks! It’s shit but it’s cheap shit and you can get two for the price of one if you come early. And off they go, clutching their credit cards with the last few... 

A Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Useless Elections, Wars On Drugs And Levels Of Happiness

November 28, 2010

A Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Useless Elections, Wars On Drugs And Levels Of Happiness

Dan Majestic and Ben Delicious write from Port-au-Prince: Imagine you are living in country that has been rocked by one of the most devastating earthquakes in its history, with a cholera epidemic spreading like bushfire and a third of the population confined to tent camps: what would be at the top of your priorities? Well, if you are in Haiti, it seems the most important thing that should be on your mind is holding presidential and parliamentary elections. At least that is what the head of the UN mission on the island, Edmund Mulet, seems to think, along with all the other UN bosses. Mr Mulet has summoned some hacks a couple of days ago and gave it to them straight: yes, sure, the situation on the island sucks and cholera is spreading, he implied, but hey, why not hold an election and let the... 

Beware Of Bad TV Comedy. Watching It Can Have Nasty Consequences

November 27, 2010

Beware Of Bad TV Comedy. Watching It Can Have Nasty Consequences

Dan Majestic writes from London: Let me tell you something about TV comedy in Britain: with very few exeptions it sucks. It’s made by people who wouldn’t know what comedy is even if its kicks them in the balls – or in the vaginas, if the occasion demanded it. I’m really fed up hearing all that crap how wonderful British TV comedy has been in the good old days and how some of the modern funny men and women have followed the best traditions and supposedly came up with brilliant stuff of their own. Yes, sure they did, considering that the best British TV comedy has come up in recent years was the abysmal Have I Got News For You, an even worse Mock The Week and the pathetic the Fast Show, Little Britain and The Office. But let’s not blame the current lot. Let’s cast a critical eye... 

Trust Grandma Sarah To Stir Up A Bit Of Trouble For President Obama

November 27, 2010

Trust Grandma Sarah To Stir Up A Bit Of Trouble For President Obama

Ben Delicious writes from Washington: Well, wouldn’t you know it: just when President Barack Obama was hoping that the perception of him having a soft spot for Islam was starting to wane, bang! Out comes his 88-year-old grandmother, Sarah Omar, to reveal that during her recent pilgrimage to Mecca she prayed that her grandson converts to Islam and becomes a proper Muslim. Grandma Sarah had been accompanied on her pilgrimage by her son and Mr Obama’s uncle who has a very Muslim sounding name, Saeed Hussein Obama, and who must have been praying for the same thing to happen to his nephew, although he didn’t go on the record unlike his mother and tell it to the whole wide world. Was President Obama, who insists that he is a Christian, happy to hear the good news about his grandmother? I don’t... 

EU Practicing Black Magic? Sure Looks Like It

November 26, 2010

EU Practicing Black Magic? Sure Looks Like It

Anton Goryunov writes from Brussels: As the crisis with the euro engulfs the European Union, rumours abound that its unelected leaders are turning to black magic to make  everyone think that the European currency remains strong and that things generally are not as bad as they look. Sources say it’s all part of the grand plan to replace mainstream religions in Europe with devil worship and the occult, that are seen as reflective of most current EU policies. One senior EU official has told Stirring Trouble, off the record, that black magic is being practiced in the EU headquarters more and more often, to get the hang of it before it becomes legal and obligatory. Word has it that the President of the European Council, Herman Van Rompuy, is a keen enthusiast of the occult and has been known... 

Games That Bankers Play

November 26, 2010

Games That Bankers Play

R.F.Wilson reports from the Square Mile: You might not be aware of it, people, but Britain’s biggest banks are actually working on plans to cut their bonus payouts and, what’s even funnier, to increase lending to small businesses. When I hear things like that emanating from the City, I can’t stop laughing. Do these guys think we’re all idiots or what? Do they actually believe that we will buy all this rubbish about bankers doing sensible things at a loss to themselves? Anyway, according to people who know things, top brass from Barclays, HSBC, the Royal bank of Scotland and Standard Chartered have held secret discussions about signing a deal that would limit their bonuses next year and specify the amount they would lend to small companies. Sounds all fair and proper, you might say,... 

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