A Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Phoney Leaks, Dodgy Bail-Outs And Royal Silliness

November 29, 2010

Dan Majestic and Anton Goryunov write from London: The biggest news comes from the blogosphere where the website WikiLeaks posted the first instalment of the correspondence between the US State Department and American embassies across the world. What should we conclude from all of this? Well, first of all, we can safely assume that the yanks have leaked this information on purpose, considering how much of it actually plays into their hands. Most of the stuff that has been released up to now has no value in it at all and reveals absolutely nothing new or damaging to anyone. In fact, a lot of it was simple picked from the tabloid press and packaged as some ‘secret communications’ which says a lot about what sort of dimwits populate US embassies across the world. The funniest thing of all was the timid official response coming from White House that has ‘condemned’ WukiLeaks instead of sending a few boys with guns to have a chat with that Julian Assante. Even more baffling was the response from the British Foreign Office that has absolutely nothing to do with these leaked documents and should have stayed out of this whole charade altogether. There are obviously some ‘damaging revelations’ included in the papers like Hillary Clinton ordering American diplomats to spy on their UN counterparts or the US military whacking al-Qaeda operators in Yemen with its drones while the local government claims that it’s all its own doing. But all of it is no big deal really considering the bits that benefit the yanks, like revelations about Iran’s nuclear programme and the infighting and backstabbing between the Arab countries. Not to mention North Korea’s evil intentions and the lack of support from NATO allies in Afghanistan. In an ideal world most people should have seen through this blatant piece of American propaganda at once, but as 90 per cent of the populace nowadays watches the box religiously and believes everything its sees on it, we should expect the yanks to get away with it.

To the Korean Peninsula now where the stand-off between North and South Koreas intensified further, with the communist nutters in Pyongyang threatening to ‘set the sea alight’, in response to Seoul staging joint naval war games with the US in the Yellow Sea. It’s all just one big game, of course, but everyone is doing their best to look serious and talk about an international crisis of huge proportions. China is playing the role of a peacekeeper while America pretends to be standing shoulder to shoulder with South Korea, having sent its battle group of ships including the aircraft carrier USS George Washington to conduct the useless exercises with the South Koreans that would prove absolutely nothing to anyone. Meanwhile South Korea is beating the war drum itself, promising to kick the North Korean communist butt, if more attacks like the one that had happened last week against the island of Yeonpyeong would take place again. Seoul knows perfectly well that it wouldn’t dare to piss off the boys in Pyongyang who could obliterate South Korea in the space of a couple of hours, so all the threatening rhetoric amounts to cheap posturing. People posing as experts in international relations have told Stirring Trouble that the crisis on the Korean Peninsula will simply go away as it has been sparked by the infighting in Pyongyang between the power hungry relatives of Kim Jong-Il, who has sidestepped them in favour of his youngest son, 23-year-old Kim Jong-Un, whom the Dear Leader is grooming for succession. Naturally the two elder sons and Kim’s sister are not exactly over the Moon with such a development and have kicked up a fuss that resulted in the North Korean military having a go at the South Koreans. Had it all stayed in the Kim family no one would have known about it outside the Dear Leader’s palace in Pyongyang.

To Brussels now where the EU finance ministers have met on Sunday to work out the terms for the massive Irish bail-out that is threatening to blow the whole European banking system to shreds and burry the euro once and for all. The finance ministers, who are all wealthy individuals in their own right and have close links with some of the biggest banks in Europe, have decided to slap a 5.8 interest rate on the €85 billion loan to Ireland and demanded that the Irish government accounts for every euro that it gets. Full details of the meeting have not been revealed, as usual, but sources in Brussels have told Stirring Trouble that the feeling in the EU is that Ireland is f..ked anyway so the bail-out plan should basically help to save the German and French banks that are owed nearly €200 by the Irish and would collapse if they don’t get their money back. Meanwhile, in Dublin, Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who has been proving very co-operative with the EU, has welcomed the rescue package, saying that it would help Ireland to get back on its feet again. No one paid any attention to him, though, as his popularity at the moment is registered in negative figures and he has about as much chances of winning the election in the beginning of next year as China becoming a proper free market. Rumour has it that at its last gathering the secret world government has given the Irish bail-out package a thumbs up and called on all bankers of the world to unite in the face of blatant attempts by some irresponsible people to question the concept of greed being a good thing.

To Zurich now where everything is ready, well, nearly ready, for the big day on Thursday when football’s world governing body, Fifa, will decide which nation would host the 2018 and 2022 World Cup competitions. Fifa, run by that keen football enthusiast, Sepp Blatter, has always been secretive about the way it picks countries to host the World Cup, although recently it has been revealed that some members of Fifa’s executive committee, who actually decide which country is chosen, are open to outside persuasion and like to accept large donations of cash to be transferred to their personal off-shore accounts. It has also transpired that some senior Fifa officials take large amounts of money to grant marketing and TV rights to people who know that a true free market demands cash injections to make it work. Eat your heart out Adam Smith! The English bid for hosting the Worl Cup in 2012 doesn’t really look like a certainty anymore, after the crusaders from the Sunday Times have set up two members of Fifa’s executive committee in a sting operation, making them look like crooks that they are. Still, we can expect people with thick brown envelopes stuffed with cash circling Fifa’s plush headquarters in Zurich this week, trying to do their bit for the beautiful game.

To Britain now, where the second in line to the throne, Prince William, who is getting married next April to Kate Middleton, a woman he may just as well have met at a café or a bus stop, has graciously allowed his father, Prince Charles, the first in line to the throne, to be king for a while. William, who has been upset by people saying that his father should abdicate and let him become the top royal dog, said that it would only be fair to let his old man sit on the throne for a bit while he and Kate have an extended honeymoon and get used to calling each other Your Royal Highness. Keen observers are pointing out that the royal wedding is promising to be a big occasion, with all the friends of the bride and groom turning up at Westminster Abbey on the big day and then having a great big royal piss up afterwards. Excitement is building up as the list of famous pop stars, who have revealed their desire to come to London and do a gig, has grown to several thousand. At the moment though only that talented performer Dizzy Rascal has been confirmed as definitely appearing in Hyde Park on the big day, to sing his own rap version of that classic I Did It My Way dedicated to Kate’s 8-year struggle to get her man.

– End –