Looking Back On 2010. The Big Lesson Is That S..t Will Continue To Happen. A Lot

December 31, 2010

Looking Back On 2010. The Big Lesson Is That S..t Will Continue To Happen. A Lot

Anton Goryunov writes: It’s this time again, people, when we look back on the past year that is arriving any moment now and think what lessons we have learnt from it. And I suppose that the biggest one of them all is that s..t happens and, even more importantly, will continue to happen next year. A lot. The other thing we’ve learnt in 2010 is that money men rule the world and are allowed to get away with anything by the accommodating politicians. If anyone had had any doubt at all that bankers call all the shots, then these doubts have hopefully evaporated in the past year once and for all. The greedy bastards kept abusing the system that they themselves have created, ripping off the little people and paying themselves huge bonuses for being the scum that they are. The only hope now is... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

December 30, 2010

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

We present more pearls of wisdom and witty observations from the Stirring Trouble team. Women, if you fantasise a lot about having sex with Hollywood stars you need to remember that many of them have STDs. I suppose corruption is the glue that holds any government together. Until the bastards fall out and it collapses. If you’re a total prick, you will succeed in this life. Not in the next one, though. Once upon a time there was a boy called Barack. And he had no idea that his false birth certificate would cause such a hassle. Good looking chicks playing chess. Something must be seriously wrong with them. If a bank makes billions on penalty charges then it’s not exactly a bank. It’s an extortion racket. The problem with so-called ‘religious extremists’ is that they know... 

How To Blow A Billion On A Football Team. And Still Miss Out On The Big Trophies

December 29, 2010

How To Blow A Billion On A Football Team. And Still Miss Out On The Big Trophies

Alex Nekrassov writes from London: Imagine you’re a Russian oligarch and you’ve invested a billion of your hard earned money – I’m joking here, in case you’ve fallen for that ‘hard earned’ stuff – into an English football club, expecting it to win you all the major trophies in the world. But after 7 years you’re still missing out on the big European Championship title, not to mention winning the home league only 3 times out of the possible 7. That’s bound to be disappointing, considering the shitty return on your investment. And Mr Roman Abramovich, the owner of Chelsea FC, who has spared no expense attempting to turn his club into a mean, lean winning machine, must be very disappointed. Especially as his team has been doing really badly in the last couple months. Anyway,... 

Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Kickbacks, Jailed Oil Tycoons And Silly Space Programmes

December 29, 2010

Cynical Glance At World Events: Of Kickbacks, Jailed Oil Tycoons And Silly Space Programmes

Dan Majestic and Ben Delicious write: To Washington and Kabul first, where it transpired that the multi-billion flow of weapons, hardware and supplies to the US troops in Afghanistan has been mired in bribery, double-dealings and even illegal sale of arms to the insurgents. Yes, ladies and gents, what was intended as a showpiece operation to help impose democracy on the reluctant Afghans appears to have had all the markings of a dodgy wheeler-dealer set up, with US army procurement officers giving out contracts to local companies for kickbacks and other nasty practices taking place. One of the more interesting aspects of this scandal is that shipments of arms intended for US and Afghan forces have been vanishing without trace, ending up on the black market and then in the hands of the insurgents.... 

Why Not Visit Kosovo? A Land Of Fun And Easily Available Human Organs

December 28, 2010

Why Not Visit Kosovo? A Land Of Fun And Easily Available Human Organs

Anton Goryunov writes from Pristina: I don’t know about you, but I’d love to go to Kosovo. As a tourist, for a couple of crazy fun-filled days. Or maybe to buy some human organs that I might need later in life. I hear it’s the best place to get a decently prized liver or kidney. But seriously, where in Europe would you find a country that is only two and half years old? In fact, I dare you to find a country anywhere in the world that’s only two and a half years old. And if that’s not a remarkable thing, then I don’t know what is. Apart from the decently priced human organs that is. I’ve heard a lot of good things about Kosovo. The people who live there rejoice constantly at their new found independence. It’s just one long never ending holiday for them, considering that... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

December 28, 2010

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

We present more pearls of wisdom and witty observations from the Stirring Trouble team. One of the lessons of 2010: buying useless Chinese made junk is still number 1 hobby for millions. Why not adopt a Guantanamo inmate this festive season and see him win a huge compensation in the courts. Having few friends is a sign of intelligence. Want to bring on WW3? Invest in China, the country behind the next world war. Politics and prostitution have much in common although the difference is that with hookers you f..k them but with politicians it’s you who gets f..ked. How come when someone mocks modern art they’re accused of blasphemy yet any punk is allowed to dance on the graves of classics? Considering how small the gay community is it sure yields a lot of influence. Too much influence... 

Tony Blair’s Statue In Parliament Proposed. How About A Creative Approach?

December 27, 2010

Tony Blair’s Statue In Parliament Proposed. How About A Creative Approach?

Ben Delicious writes from London: As a bunch of lowlifes launch a campaign to immortalise their idol, Tony Blair, in a statue in parliament we ask: how about a creative approach to reflect what the great man stood for? The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Tony Blair is money. He was in it for the money from the start, so why not reflect it in his statue, depicting him counting cash, accepting wades of cash or even sniffing cash. Or, as an aspiring musician that he was in his younger years, when his nickname was Miranda by the way, he could be moulded as a long haired youngish looking man, playing a guitar and singing. And let’s not forget his reputation of five-times-a-night man, as revealed by his wife and himself so tastefully in a newspaper interview before the general... 

President Obama Condemns The Suicide Bombing In Pakistan. The Men Of Violence Are Terrified

December 27, 2010

President Obama Condemns The Suicide Bombing In Pakistan. The Men Of Violence Are Terrified

Anton Goryunov writes from Honolulu: First the big news: President Barack Obama, who is spending his Christmas holidays in Hawaii, has strongly condemned the latest terrorist attack in Pakistan, when a woman suicide bomber blew herself up at a UN food distribution point in the city of Khar in Bajawar province, killing 45 people at the latest count and injuring dozens of others. Mr Obama made his strong feelings known in a statement released by the White House, so that no one would have any doubts where he stood on the issue. ‘Killing innocent civilians outside a food distribution point for the World Food Program is an affront to the people of Pakistan and the entire humanity,’ the President said. Tough words obviously intended to convey a strong message. According to sources who know things,... 

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

December 26, 2010

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present a new selection of spoof breaking news items. Compiled by the Stirring Trouble team. Breaking News: Secret world government would like to wish a Happy New Year to all politicians who did as they were told in 2010. Breaking News: In its New Year message to the infidels Al-Qaeda reveals that a lot of its attacks are conducted purely for self-promotional reasons. Breaking News: Newly re-elected Belarus dictator Aleksandr Lukashenko admits that watching police beat up demonstrators on the streets of Minsk brought him many fond memories. Breaking News: At their international gathering in Monte Carlo bankers conclude that taxpayers have never had it so good. Breaking News: UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon reveals that being the second most powerful politician in the world after Sarah... 

I’m Really Disappointed With The Windsors

December 26, 2010

I’m Really Disappointed With The Windsors

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: I’m really disappointed with the Windsors. Take the Queen, for example. Yes, I know, I know, a lot of people think that she’s a great monarch. And that in itself, by the way, is very suspicious, because even staunch republicans think she’s wonderful. Now why would that be? Why would people, who detest the very idea of having a hereditary head of state, love the Queen to bits? Well let me tell you why: though she’s the head of state, the Queen in effect has distanced herself from life outside her palace to such an extent that she became an irrelevance. Sure, she gives out those knighthoods and other honours, goes on visits abroad, hosts foreign heads of state and reads the speeches at the opening of every parliamentary session. But she makes no decisions... 

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