I Bet There’d Come A Time When Getting An Oscar Would Be Tantamount To A Kiss Of Death

February 28, 2011

I Bet There’d Come A Time When Getting An Oscar Would Be Tantamount To A Kiss Of Death

Ted Obvious writes from Los Angeles: Another boring Oscar ceremony passed into oblivion, having been forgotten by most people before it even ended. I’ve been told viewing figures in America started falling half-way through the proceedings, with large numbers of people preferring to watch anything else but the boring acceptance speeches of pompous overpaid mediocrities. The way things are going, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if in the not so distant future getting an Oscar would be tantamount to receiving a kiss of death. I mean, how long can the American Film Academy continue getting away with hailing average films and less than average actors as some great successes? They just don’t get it in Hollywood, do they? People are fed up with the self-praise that the American movie industry... 

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Team

February 28, 2011

More Breaking News. From The Stirring Team

Today we resume posting spoof breaking news items compiled by the boys from the Stirring Trouble team. Breaking News: Asked whether the thoughts of the American people were with the Libyan people White House spokesman replies: ‘Yeah, sure. And we also pray for the Iraqis every f..king day.’ Breaking News: Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi says he is prepared to die a martyr somewhere in Switzerland in his own time of choosing. Breaking News: Pro-democracy protesters in Bahrain admit they feel their anger is not really reaching anyone in particular. Breaking News: Tunisian Jasmine Revolution voted sexiest revolution ever by readers of Sexy Politics magazine. Breaking News: President Barack Obama reveals that he is monitoring events in the Middle East on his iPod and loving every minute of it. Breaking... 

So How’s China Reacting To Events In The Middle East? Nervously Would Be The Answer

February 27, 2011

So How’s China Reacting To Events In The Middle East? Nervously Would Be The Answer

Anton Goryunov writes from Beijing: So how is China responding to the wave of pro-democracy uprisings in the Arab world, you may be wondering, as you watch wall-to-wall coverage of the dramatic events in Libya and the Middle East. Nervously would be the answer, very nervously. Despite all the excitement in Western capitals, Beijing has not been exactly rejoicing at the thought of people power ousting tyrants. Not a great sounding concept for anyone, who carries a communist party membership card. Especially as calls to follow the example of the Jasmine Revolution in Tunis have started to appear on China’s biggest network, LinkedIn. What’s even worse from Beijing’s point of view is that the winds of change blowing from the Middle East have even reached North Korea, where the unthinkable... 

Imagining Tony And Muammar Having A Phone Conversation

February 26, 2011

Imagining Tony And Muammar Having A Phone Conversation

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Well, wouldn’t you know it! That elusive Middle East Special Envoy for the Quartet of nations, Tony Blair, has popped up again in the news, supposedly having phoned Colonel Gaddafi and telling him that he’d better find a peaceful solution fast or NATO might send in its peacekeepers to protect the populations from his troops. I can just imagine their conversation: TB: Muammar, hi, it’s Tony here. MG: Tony, great to hear from you. How’s Cherie and the children? TB: They’re great, Muammar, just great. Listen, I want to ask you something. Can you, please, not mention all the things we’ve discussed with you when we met in Tripoli in 2004? You know, the oil deals and my cut in them. MG: My lips will be sealed, Tony. What are friends for? TB: Good, good.... 

Ireland Will Have A New Government Soon. To Carry Out Orders From Brussels

February 26, 2011

Ireland Will Have A New Government Soon. To Carry Out Orders From Brussels

R.F.Wilson writes from Dublin: The people of Ireland have spoken. There will be a new government formed soon, to carry out orders coming from Brussels. Ex-PM Brian Cowen and his Fianna Fail associates can now report to the EU: mission accomplished, Lisbon Treaty and bail-out package accepted, national sovereignty successfully surrended. Details of our off-shore accounts provided. Thanks a billion. We’re off. While enthusiasts predict the composition of the new government – Fine Gael having so many seats in government and Labour so many – the reality is that it doesn’t matter all that much who is running what in Dublin. The buck no longer stops with the ministers. They are now just the messenger boys, bringing orders from the European Central Bank (ECB) and the International Monetary... 

Sanctions Against Libya Are About The Very Last Thing That Is Needed Now

February 26, 2011

Sanctions Against Libya Are About The Very Last Thing That Is Needed Now

Dan Majestic writes from New York: The international community is once again at it, making useless statements about the crisis in Libya, as if anyone there pays any attention to them. Politicians never learn, do they? After eight days of turmoil in Libya, with the crisis evolving into a full blown civil war, Western powers are getting their priorities all wrong again, resorting to diplomatic posturing and wasting precious time while more people are dying. Behind the scenes officials tell wide eyed hacks that the reason why nothing has been done up to now was because foreign nationals were still stuck in Libya and it was dangerous to do anything without putting their lives at risk. Putting out endless statements was deemed as the most appropriate course of action. The UN Security Council has... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

February 26, 2011

More Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Stirring Trouble Team

We present more pearls of wisdom and witty observations from the Stirring Trouble team. Hacks should really stop banging on about the triumph of democracy in the Middle East. New dictators are on their way to power. News coverage of events in the Middle East is staring to resemble Soviet style propaganda: ‘Masses struggle for democracy and freedom.’ Here’s a good question to ask: which Western politicians have been consulting the tyrants in the Middle East? I know Blair did. The two main driving forces of any revolution are greed and envy. Remember that when you watch the coverage of the uprisings in the Middle East. Mark my words, the oil companies and the banks will end up as the main beneficiaries of the mess in the Middle East. Gaddafi junior to Dad: When you say we’re... 

As World Oil Prices Shoot Up, It’s Time To Hit Banks With A Super Levy To Cushion The Impact

February 25, 2011

As World Oil Prices Shoot Up, It’s Time To Hit Banks With A Super Levy To Cushion The Impact

Dan Majestic writes from Washington: As the world oil prices go through the roof, supposedly pushed up by concerns about the instability spreading throughout the Middle East and North Africa, but in reality inflated by speculators, politicians across the world are expressing their concerns that this may undermine the economic recovery. They shake their heads and sigh, as if there is nothing anyone can do about it. Speculators are showing two fingers to the world, making a quick buck on other people’s sorrow, while governments pretend they have no means at their disposal of helping out millions of struggling people and businesses that are hit by growing fuel prices. That’s what the free market is all about, politicians say, the creeps. Free competition and all that. But there is a very obvious... 

Do Hacks Have Any Idea What’s Going On In Libya? Or Are They Just Relying On Stuff From Social Media?

February 25, 2011

Do Hacks Have Any Idea What’s Going On In Libya? Or Are They Just Relying On Stuff From Social Media?

Ted Obvious writes from London: You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking that hacks reporting from the outskirts of Libya have no idea what the hell is going on there and pluck most of the stuff from the web. How come no one has told us for example who is actually heading the so-called revolution in Libya that has all the hallmarks of a mob rule? Where are the names of people, or at least one name, who are leading the anti-Gaddafi uprising and have a set of demands and aims that they want to achieve? All we’re hearing in news reports is that ‘opposition forces’ have taken control over parts of the country and are fighting government troops, police and, bizarrely, foreign mercenaries. That last one is a mystery to me. Why should Gaddafi use mercenaries when he has a regular army, police... 

The Future Of Space Exploration Doesn’t Look Good. Which Is A Relief

February 25, 2011

The Future Of Space Exploration Doesn’t Look Good. Which Is A Relief

Dan Majestic writes from Houston: As the shuttle Discovery blasted off on its last ever mission all the usual suspects got all emotional about it, complaining that another chapter of space exploration has been closed. No more shuttle flights ever, they weep. How can we ever get over it? This time Discovery is talking 6 astronauts on board the International Space Station, delivering booze and junk food and bringing a humanoid robot called Robonaut that looks a bit like Robocop and has both a workable penis and vagina. It will entertain the crew on board with his own brand of jokes and one-liners. Like: ‘There’s nothing like a hand relief in space – to keep you grounded for a while.’ Or: ‘Saw one of the crew today masturbating while holding a picture of Angela Merkel. Couldn’t... 

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