Dominique Strauss-Kahn: Athlete Extraordinaire

May 31, 2011

Dominique Strauss-Kahn: Athlete Extraordinaire

Mata Hurry writes from New York: Disgraced ex boss of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) Dominique Strauss-Kahn seems to be the epitome of robust health nowadays, having been released on bail in New York recently. He was charged with six counts of sexual assault and another of unlawful confinement of a chambermaid at the Sofitel Hotel. DSK was granted bail at $1 million, plus another $5 million as an insurance bond – all put up by his wife, I hasten to add. Physicians watching DSK’s appearance in court marveled at how fit he looked. ‘He may be a “le grand seducteur” and a depraved rake, but he’s as healthy as a moose,’ declared an astonished doctor, Richard De Bauch, who has made a study of 21st century Casanovas. According to Dr. De Bauch, who has devised the Libertine... 

More Spoof Breaking News. From The Boys At Stirring Trouble

May 30, 2011

More Spoof Breaking News. From The Boys At Stirring Trouble

We present more spoof breaking news items. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. Breaking News: Colonel Gaddafi reveals in a frank interview that he’s slowly realising that some people just don’t like him. Breaking News: NATO denies it is targeting Gaddafi. We are just bombing the s..t out of Libya and if Gaddafi is killed by accident, well, we wouldn’t have anything to do with it really. Breaking News: Syrian President Bashar Assad admits that the uprising against him came as a complete shock. I was, like, there one day, doing nothing, and then bam, an uprising started, he explains. Breaking News: Sarah Palin gives the strongest hint about her presidential ambitions by producing her birth certificate. Breaking News: Fifa’s President Sepp Blatter denies any knowledge of corruption in his... 

Hacks Have Lost It Over This Whole Cheryl Cole Non-Story, The Lazy Creeps

May 30, 2011

Hacks Have Lost It Over This Whole Cheryl Cole Non-Story, The Lazy Creeps

Ted Obvious writes from London: If aliens would suddenly land in Britain and have a glance through the newspapers, as all aliens do when they visit other planets, they would probably think that the locals have gone bonkers over some plain looking over made-up broad who’d been dumped from some stupid TV show and is now going through the trauma of rejection. Yes, Cheryl Cole’s mug is all over the newsprint, tabloids leading the way, of course, front page and all, with all sorts of stupid headlines plastered all over the place. But you know what? I blame the hacks and not the public. The lazy creeps have lost all desire to go out in search of proper stories. So they sit in their offices all day long, going out only to have a beer and a fag and, in some cases, some dope, picking up bits... 

Politicians Reading From Prepared Texts. Sincere Or Competent They Ain’t

May 30, 2011

Politicians Reading From Prepared Texts. Sincere Or Competent They Ain’t

Dan Majestic writes from Washington: You know how it usually happens: politicians appear in public, wave and smile to the people who have gathered there and then climb on the podium, get out their notes and start reading them, as if it’s no big deal that they can’t actually address the audience without peering into their scripts. And the worst thing of all is when their speeches and addresses are written in a passionate sort of way, with the speaker supposedly sharing his inner thoughts and ideas with his audience that he had supposedly agonised over for endless hours, coming out of him spontaneously. President Barack Obama is one of the worst offenders in this respect. He often resembles a Soviet Politburo member, who is afraid to stray from the script and say something stupid. And that... 

More Pearls Of Wisdom And Witty Comments. From The Stirring Trouble Team

May 30, 2011

More Pearls Of Wisdom And Witty Comments. From The Stirring Trouble Team

Today we present more pearls of wisdom and witty comments. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. State visits are intended to be low-key protocol occasions when heads of state meet in good will. Trust Obama and Cameron to turn one into a circus. The problem with world leaders today is that most of them are not even properly educated and can’t talk without prepared notes. All spin and no substance. Scenes in central London: rich Arabs in rented flashy sports cars driving around on the look-out for some pussy. All you fans of Harry Potter are so uncool that you should really think about reading a proper book for once. Sepp Blatter is funding out the hard way what it means to ignore England’s World Cup bid. You’re finished Sepp! The English are terrible losers. It’s no secret that... 

I Hope Sepp Is Re-Elected And All This Corruption Nonsense Is Laid To Rest

May 29, 2011

I Hope Sepp Is Re-Elected And All This Corruption Nonsense Is Laid To Rest

Ben Delicious writes from Zurich: Big fuss continues around allegations of corruption at the world football’s governing body Fifa. Serious doubts are cast on the re-election of Sepp Blatter, Fifa’s President, although Fifa has announced that it is going on with the vote, despite coming under pressure to postpone it. Will Fifa eventually show two fingers to the hacks, who are pretending that they have uncovered a wasp’s nest of corruption and are basking in the spotlight of their own righteousness. I hope the world football’s governing body does the right thing and tells all the scribblers to go f..k themselves. Why? Because everyone knows that all professional sport is riddled with corruption, starting from football and athletics and ending with some obscure sport like curling. That’s... 

Sometimes Hacks Lose It. And Have To Be Put In Their Place

May 29, 2011

Sometimes Hacks Lose It. And Have To Be Put In Their Place

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Sometimes hacks of the mainstream press, heavily influenced by political correctness, lose it completely. And that’s when they need to be taken to task, the slimy lizards. And now, let’s get down to business. You may have missed it, but Labour leader Ed Miliband has married his long standing girlfriend and mother of his two children, Justine Thornton, in a low key ceremony last Friday. Ed, so that you know, is a true communist at heart and, as all communists, he wasn’t really all that keen on the institution of marriage, preferring to ‘live in sin’, as most dedicated left-wingers do, even if they have children. It all comes from Karl Marx, by the way, who famously called marriage a ‘bourgeoisie prejudice’, hailing the times when men and women... 

Shopping As An Addiction: Buying Junk That You Don’t Need

May 28, 2011

Shopping As An Addiction: Buying Junk That You Don’t Need

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: What is it with people buying Chinese made junk that they don’t really need? Ok, I can understand the festive season when you have to buy presents for your next of kin, friends or work buddies, even though most of them would be thrown away or end up in charity shops. But why blow money on useless things that you could do without? I’ll be straight with you: I don’t like shopping and don’t like the way the retailers lure people with their phony deals, inflating prices on things that are not worth even a tenth of what they’re going for. Not to mention the overcrowding and the traffic congestion that are caused by hordes of shoppers descending on the high streets and shopping centres. Central London has become unbearable because of this artificially... 

No Point Telling You That Lady Gaga Sucks. So I’ll Have A Go At Sepp Blatter Instead

May 28, 2011

No Point Telling You That Lady Gaga Sucks. So I’ll Have A Go At Sepp Blatter Instead

Adam Lovejoy writes from Zurich: I’m not going to waste my time, people, telling you that Lady Gaga sucks, as there are way too many simple minded ‘music lovers’ out there who’d still be buying her albums and, what is even more depressing, actually listening to them. I’ll say this though: you really have to be crap at singing to wear a dress made out of raw meat – and generally come across as a fashion retard. But hey, today I’m directing my satire at Sepp Blatter, world football’s governing body Fifa president, who now finds himself in a bit of a crisis, having been targeted for corruption by his own people. Is that weird or what? Could Lady Gaga have ever written a song about it? In your dreams! She sings about her crotch most of the time. Anyway, Sepp is probably paying... 

British Nation Aghast: Culture Icon Cheryl Cole Snubbed In America

May 27, 2011

British Nation Aghast: Culture Icon Cheryl Cole Snubbed In America

R.F.Wilson writes from London: The British nation is aghast:  culture icon and huge musical talent, Cheryl Cole, has been unceremoniously dumped from the panel of judges in the American version of the X Factor, replaced in haste by Nicole Scherzinger – whoever she is. Conspiracy theories are flying around the council estates of the grieving Kingdom: was it something to do with Cheryl falling out with Simon Cowell, the creator of the X Factor? Did she have an affair with him that went disastrously wrong or is he gay as hell and she simply mistook his friendship for a come on? Or could it have been the coldness between Cheryl and another judge, Paula Abdul, a short, plump woman, who is to singing what a vacuum cleaner is to fulfilling sexual intercourse? And there’s also a suggestion... 

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