Sex Is Hugely Overrated. By People Who Don’t Get Any

May 10, 2011

Ben Delicious and Ted Obvious write from London: Well, it’s that time again, people. We deal with the delicate subject of sex and sexual intercourse, in a frank and open way, answering some of the question that have been sent to us.

The most asked question that we get from people is how come they don’t get any sex, even though they try very hard to, you know, get laid. The thing to remember here is that sex is greatly overrated by people who don’t get much of it – if any. And that is why these sad pathetic people invent all sorts of sad pathetic stories about the wonderful sex they get – even when they don’t. Men with well developed rights arms and women with a desperate look in their eyes, also known as ‘steamy vaginas’, talk about their private lives as if they are spoilt for choice of partners and are seriously thinking of cutting down on the days they have penetrational intercourse from seven to five. To spend more time in front of the box and do other important things.

It’s getting really ridiculous, this whole obsession with sex, fuelled by retail trade that makes a lot of money out of it selling all those accessories for the supposedly fulfilling sex life, like cosmetics and lingerie and all the clothes that supposedly make women look ‘appealing’, i.e. like hookers, and turn men into degenerates on heat. And don’t forget the huge pharmaceutical industry that plugs all that crap that supposedly boosts the performance in bed, and the porn industry that laughably claims that it is good for you because you learn things that you can use in your bedroom. Yeah, sure, if you buy that then you might just as well believe that you can stretch you poor tackle every day you get it to grow an inch or two.

The fact of the matter is this: retailers want as many people as possible to become sexually active from the earliest of ages and worship sex because that is one of the founding stones of consumerism. Where there is sex, there is money to be made.

Another question we get asked a lot is to do with impotence. Men of all ages complain that they have trouble with performance in the bedroom and feel ashamed to talk about it with their friends who are all studs and can easily satisfy a woman throughout the whole night, endless number of times. Well, it is a complicated matter, obviously, but one thing anyone. who is feeling patronised by all those stories about cases of extraordinary sexual prowess, should know is that 99 per cent of them are pure bullshit. Yes, that is how it is in life, you see. Men tend to exaggerate their sexual stamina and there is no point in listening to them. In fact, people, who brag about their huge manhoods and spontaneous erections lasting for hours, usually posses small tools of the trade, if you pardon the expression, and can’t really perform all that well, apart cases of self fulfilment.

And while we are on the subject of hand relief, we need to point out that masturbation, or jerking off, as it is known among the connoisseurs of this ancient art, actually does hinder proper sexual intercourse, especially among young men, and results in premature ejaculation a lot. The thing is to lay off it for a while and see how things work out in real ‘combat situations’, if you might call it that. And as for men, who are well into their middle age, and can’t get it up properly, well, it might be that their bodies are sending them a message that it’s time to pack it in because their hearts would not be able to withstand the pressure. Women, so that you know, also lose their sex drive, if they are not celebs, that is, who pretend to be sexually active into their late 60s and even 70s, and are quite content to settle for an occasional show of affection.

Foreplay is another subject that seems to be of interest to our inquisitive readers. Men tend to view foreplay as a waste of time, as they tend to get into the mood, as they say, much faster than their female partners. (We are dealing with heterosexual case here.) Women tend to need a bit more time to get ready, so on balance shouldn’t arouse their partners so that they can’t hold their load, as medics call it when they want to take the piss. Foreplay is important, unless of course it’s a quickie, performed in a massage parlour or with a member of the oldest profession in the world. Which we don’t condone, by the way, as it tends to end up in many unpleasant things, including the need to take out court injunction or paying for check-up and an extensive course of antibiotics.

Another question that is often asked is when is it a good age to start having sexual intercourse. Well, if you listen to the Horny Mafia, it is great to have sex as soon as possible, because it’s your human right and why should you deny yourself the pleasure. These horny bastards would love to get as many youngsters in on to the sex scene as possible, to push down the legal age of consent and satisfy their sick perversions. Outside the sick and twisted world of the hornies it makes sense to wait until you’re sixteen or even older and get to have your first experience with a person who knows what he or she is doing and treats you as a human being and not a piece of meat.

Sex and drinking is something that seems to be preoccupying the minds of many of our readers. Is it a good idea to get pissed to get laid, is the question that seems to be put to us. No, we say to that, sex and booze in large quantities don’t mix well together. In fact, it’s always a good idea to ban sex from your busy schedule if serious drinking is involved before that.

Is it true, we are being asked by many of our male readers, that women are more promiscuous than men? Yes, is the answer? Although it has to be also said that women tend to be loyal to the regular partners, once they find them, and men tend to stray more often.

That would be it for this session of questions and answers on the delicate subject of sex, which, as we have said already, is greatly overrated by people who don’t get any.

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