Dan Majestic writes from New York: Have you heard the great news? Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the ex boss of the International Monetary Fund, has been granted bail by a court in New Your where he is facing charges of attempted rape of a hotel chambermaid. Yes, justice has finally prevailed and bankers and lenders across the world have breathed a sigh of collective relief, now that their idol can leave jail and stay with his beloved wife and daughter, sporting a sexy electronic tag and having an armed guard at all times with him, according to the conditions of his bail.
Expect armed guards and electronic tags to become fashionable among money men on Wall Street and beyond. Because DSK has always been a trend setter in the world of finance. I wouldn’t be at all surprised that as you read this, hundreds if not thousands of high-fliers from the banking industry are lustily eyeing a chambermaid in the hotel where they are staying, or ordering diamond encrusted electronic tags and hiring armed guards.
The bad news, though, for the hard working banking community is that a grand jury in New York has indicted poor Dominique on attempted rape and sexual assault charges. That is something that will upset a lot of bankers and lenders, who will be aghast with the way DSK is being treated for having a bit of harmless fun with a hotel chambermaid, who should have known better before tempting him with her charms. The ex boss of the IMF has been known for getting aroused easily and having sex in all sorts of exciting places, including his office, other people’s offices, parks and hotel lobbies. So on that fateful Saturday he obviously felt that his hotel room was as good a place as any for a quick brisk intercourse, before dashing to the airport to catch the first plane to Paris. For some more sex, but this time with the people of Portugal, who were begging him for a financial bail-out in return to performing oral sex on the whole of the IMF and its boss for many years to come.
Anyway, the important thing is that Mr Strauss-Kahn will be from now on staying in the comfort of his daughter’s vast apartment in Manhattan, making phone calls to some very important people, discussing with them ways out of the embarrassing situation that he has been put in thanks to the actions of one irresponsible woman. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if some very powerful people have already gotten together in some five-star hotel in Zurich, to find a solution that would suit Dominique.
So what are the options on the table, all decent bankers and lenders are asking themselves. Well, there is of course the pretty obvious solution of asking the woman to withdraw her preposterous accusations and admitting to ruthlessly seducing DSK by wearing that provocative maid’s uniform of hers. A bit of persuasion can sometimes convince people like that to change for the better. But if that doesn’t work, then there is the possible financial package that could be offered to the so-called victim that could take her mind off the supposed trauma that she has received. Although there are disturbing signs that she is not actually planning to pursue damages in a civil suit against Mr Strauss-Kahn, and that makes it all look even more unpleasant and disturbing.
Another solution is for DSK to do a Roman-Polanski and flee the country, say, to Switzerland, where he can devote his time to writing his memoirs and consulting senior members of the banking community on how to avoid prosecution for having a bit of harmless fun with other countries’ finances. A private plane can be chattered – if it hasn’t been done already – to take Mr Strauss-Khan out of the US, with a newly made travel document provided. whisking him away to where the legal system takes into account the interests of people who are just too important and busy to involve themselves in foreplay and extended periods of courtship before engaging in intercourse – like France for example.
In any case, every decent banker and lender across the world is hoping that this unfortunate saga will be resolved, one way or another, allowing Mr Strauss-Kahn to get on with having as much sex with other people’s money as he wants.
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