Dominique Strauss-Kahn: Athlete Extraordinaire

May 31, 2011

Mata Hurry writes from New York: Disgraced ex boss of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) Dominique Strauss-Kahn seems to be the epitome of robust health nowadays, having been released on bail in New York recently. He was charged with six counts of sexual assault and another of unlawful confinement of a chambermaid at the Sofitel Hotel. DSK was granted bail at $1 million, plus another $5 million as an insurance bond – all put up by his wife, I hasten to add.

Physicians watching DSK’s appearance in court marveled at how fit he looked. ‘He may be a “le grand seducteur” and a depraved rake, but he’s as healthy as a moose,’ declared an astonished doctor, Richard De Bauch, who has made a study of 21st century Casanovas.

According to Dr. De Bauch, who has devised the Libertine Index, swingers and Don Juans may have the worst track record in molesting and assaulting women, but most of them seem to posses awesome health. And they most certainly don’t suffer from old age diseases like arthritis.

What the medical fraternity has avoided telling us, though, is that arthritis is caused by unprotected sex with right-wingers. And that would include politicians such as Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and their neo-con ilk.

All the youthful wanton dandies and slickers are now forewarned that fornication with rightward leaning persons causes this abominable affliction. So before you think of nothing better that to leap into bed with perfect strangers, you should at least ascertain the political proclivities of prospective partners. Their sexual orientations in this case are immaterial.

Failure to inquire about the political leanings of your partners could be disastrous when you hit 50. If you’ve been cohabiting with a neo-con or a wingnut, you are doomed when you reach 50. Your joints will collapse, your bones will shatter and you may be left crippled for rest of your life.

Studies among animals have revealed that rightward tilting creatures too develop arthritis in later years. In a study entitled ‘Sexual Habits of Adult Goats’ (SHAG), Professor Bon King of the University of Ulan Bator noted that the four legged pathetic creatures in Outer Mongolia always veered to the right while grazing in the outback. The adults among the right leaning goats tended to develop severe arthritis when they turned 3 years of age, the adult goat equivalent of the human age of 50.

As empirical evidence from a human study group to buttress his thesis, Professor Bon King cited the example of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sprinted down the corridor at Hotel Sofitel after his encounter with the maid at his room. ‘Here’s a man who could do the jog 50 yards in 5 seconds,’ Professor King said. ‘It’s your IMF equivalent of an Olympian feat of the four-minute mile. Obviously the man has robust and well lubricated joints. At the age of 62, that is a remarkable feat.’

Strauss-Kahn, added the learned professor, took extreme care in choosing and chasing women of a leftward persuasion. Thrice married, obviously to women of a socialist disposition, the man had an insatiable appetite for philandering. ‘He may have gotten into scrapes for his sexual escapades, but he has a spring in his step and he has wholesome healthy knees because of his socialist sexual lifestyle,’ the professor concluded.

Of course, the disgraced former IMF chief may have other ailments, not documented in the annals of medical science: leer-ache, for instance, which is contracted after ogling excessively at scores of buxom women in hotels and swanky bars. Symptoms of leer-ache include inflammation of the eardrums and swelling of the lips from constant licking. Victims of leerache also report cravings for super glue, fried beans, ripe avocado and granulated cement. Complications might occur which include aneurysms, vodka withdrawal syndrome, lockjaw and loss of speech.

The disgraced former IMF chief may be also suffering from ‘phonmesia’, defined in The Medical Journal of Sarajevo as the tendency to forget mobile phones in hotel rooms. After all, what man of sane mind lurches at a woman, assaults her and then saunters off to the airport, leaving his cell phone and personal belongings behind.

Have you observed the behavior of men and women when they lose or misplace their mobile phones? They turn ashen-faced and vulnerable to jaundice and yellow fever. They begin to retrace their steps to all the places they’ve visited during the day and in the process, contract all kinds of life threatening disorders like Compulsive Celibacy Syndrome (CCS) and All Diners’ Disease (ADD). The latter affliction, for those imbeciles ignorant of its symptoms, includes among others, amnesia regarding one’s last meal and a predisposition to slash and destroy Diners Club Credit Cards.

The phonmesia victim then gorges on marjoram and Asian pears, before quaffing gallons of beer. Thereafter, he develops a distended liver, is confined to a hospital bed barely surviving on glucose drips. He then spends years finding a liver donor and swiftly perishes, unless of course he is lucky to get a liver transplant.

If he’s lucky to find a dimwit willing to donate his liver, the phonmesiac’s body may well reject the implanted organ, following which he dies a long and protracted death. The liver’s donor dies anyhow after having relinquished his very vital organ.

As we go to press, we await more unconfirmed reports about the extraordinary stamina and well being of DSK. Stirring Trouble will be the first media outlet with scoops on the International Molesting Firm’s erstwhile head and seducer extraordinaire.

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