Royal Visit To Canada Bound To Be A Huge Success. Despite All The Signs Pointing To The Contrary

June 30, 2011

Royal Visit To Canada Bound To Be A Huge Success. Despite All The Signs Pointing To The Contrary

Ted Obvious writes from Ottawa: The royal visit to Canada and the US by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, aka Prince William and Kate Middleton, which has started as you read this, is expected to be a huge success – even though most signs are pointing to the contrary. That is what officials on both sides are saying, and they are in a better position to judge about it than anyone else. The slight hitch that has happened at Heathrow, with Katie showing up for the departure ceremony in an outfit that made her look like one of the stewardesses, has been already forgotten. Although if the Duchess continues to wear similar outfits during her trip, she risks being confused with a member of Prince William’s entourage – or a stweardess on the prawl. Still, the 11-day trip provides plenty... 

Teachers And Other Public Workers In Britain Are Rolling In Money, Hacks Reveal

June 30, 2011

Teachers And Other Public Workers In Britain Are Rolling In Money, Hacks Reveal

R.F.Wilson writes from London: So now we know: teachers and other public workers in Britain, who have had the audacity to go on strike today to protest against modest cuts to their pensions, are rolling in money, having numerous perks and privileges and retiring early with huge pension pots, to blow them on jet setting across the world and buying up property portfolios. Meanwhile, bankers and other low paid professions in the private sector have to struggle to make ends meet and can only dream of the luxury lifestyle that people in the public sector take for granted. Yes, these are the sort of astonishing revelations that have been made by hacks in Britain, who have been infiltrating the public sector in recent weeks to find out what really goes on in state schools, hospitals, jobcentres, libraries,... 

What On Earth Happened To Good Old Inequality?

June 30, 2011

What On Earth Happened To Good Old Inequality?

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: What on earth happened to good old inequality? And how come everyone’s demanding to be equal – without making any effort whatsoever to qualify for it? He’s a racist, I can hear some easily offended people thundering out there. He’s against equality and fairness. He’s probably sexist and homophobic. How does he sleep at night? To this I say: I sleep well, thank you. Unlike you, politically correct freaks, who get constipated and roll in bed all night, thinking of what to be upset about next. Anyway, coming back to equality for everyone: how come people, who haven’t done anything worthwhile all their lives, are still considered equal with others? It’s just not fair, is it? Equality is all about chipping in and doing your bit for the... 

Ever Wondered How The Somali Pirates Are Doing? They’re Fine, They’re Making Good Money

June 30, 2011

Ever Wondered How The Somali Pirates Are Doing? They’re Fine, They’re Making Good Money

Anton Goryunov writes from Mombasa: Call me a cynic, but there’s something very fishy about the booming piracy off the coast of Somalia, in the Gulf of Aden and beyond – and it’s got nothing to do with these boys being fishermen in the past. We are told that navies from over 20 countries are supposedly involved in some fancy sounding operation – Ocean Shield or something – to prevent hijackings of ships along the African coast. And yet, not a week passes by without some vessel being attacked or seized by the Somali pirates. In some cases they even attempt to hijack cruise ships and super-tankers. In fact, they have already seized a couple of oil tankers and got paid for releasing them. Pardon me for asking, but is there some sort of an ‘arrangement’ in place between... 

What’s Up With Prince Albert And Charlene? Is Their Wedding On Or Is It Off?

June 29, 2011

What’s Up With Prince Albert And Charlene? Is Their Wedding On Or Is It Off?

Thomas Mathew writes from Nice: Don’t you just love wild unsubstantiated rumours and gossip that so often prove to be spot on with time? I’m a sucker for them. So here goes, and do feel free to insert all those ‘allegedly’ and ‘supposedly’ anywhere you want. While everyone’s going crazy about the forthcoming royal wedding this weekend in Monaco between Prince Albert and commoner Charlene Wittstock, the word is that Charlene, a former Olympic swimmer, has actually ran off and gone into hiding. Although her parents and two brothers have already arrived in Monaco from South Africa, Charlene has supposedly not had any contact with them and is staying at an unknown location in Paris. Why would Charlene do a runner just before marrying one of the most eligible men in the world? It’s... 

Pressure On Christine Lagarde Grows For Her To Get Embroiled In A Sex Scandal Soon

June 28, 2011

Pressure On Christine Lagarde Grows For Her To Get Embroiled In A Sex Scandal Soon

Dan Majestic writes from Washington: Pressure is growing on Christine Lagarde, who was appointed as the new managing director of the International Monetary Fund today, to get embroiled in a juicy sex scandal as soon as possible, to steady the nerves of some bankers out there who are worried that she would not live up to the expectations of keeping the great traditions of the IMF alive. Until very recently these traditions were brilliantly upheld by Dominique Strauss-Khan, who had resigned to spend more time with his erection. Not to mention to stand trial on charges of attempted rape and six counts of sexual abuse. Ms Lagarde would be the first ever woman to run the IMF and, as most of it staff are hoping, will start chasing men at her work place, demanding sexual favours from them at the first... 

Loud Unprovoked Laughter Chosen To Signify A Good Time

June 27, 2011

Loud Unprovoked Laughter Chosen To Signify A Good Time

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Well, it’s practically official now: loud unprovoked hysterical laugher has been chosen by most people as the most effective way to signify that they are having a good time. More and more people are getting together to laugh hysterically – for no apparent reason, later claiming that they had had a ‘wonderful time’ and would treasure the memory of the moment forever. Suspicions that unprovoked loud laughter was chosen by people to signify that they were enjoying themselves immensely have been voiced by scientists and keen observers of human behavioural patterns for years. Cases of these types of enjoyment have been on the increase during weekends and public holidays. A classical example of such a fun-filled situation would be people gathering... 

Chelsea FC Might Opt For A Manager Who Speaks And Understands English

June 26, 2011

Chelsea FC Might Opt For A Manager Who Speaks And Understands English

Alex Nekrassov writes from London: It’s been what now? Seven days since former FC Porto coach, Andre Villas-Boas, has been appointed as the new manager of Chelsea and the word is that the club’s owner, Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich, is already drawing up a list of potential candidates to take over from the 33-year-old Portuguese manager. A source close to the situation said: ‘Roman wants Villas-Boas to feel the pressure. He’s been seven days at his job and, to be honest, hasn’t yet brought any silverware. It’s a tense time for everyone. There’s even talk that the next manager will be picked on the basis of whether he speaks and understands English. Until now it was mostly sign language that Chelsea managers used to communicate with players.’ It was rumoured that when Villas-Boas... 

Dave’s Big Society. It’s Taking The Piss, But In A Good Way

June 26, 2011

Dave’s Big Society. It’s Taking The Piss, But In A Good Way

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: It’s official now. Well, sort of official. David Cameron’s Big Society idea will soon be set in stone as government policy. It’s people power, but not as you know it. Big Brother steps aside and tells the people: you find the way out of this mess that I have created. I, Big Brother, would not be interfering, so that you don’t feel patronised and breastfed. Do whatever you please, but only if it doesn’t involve spending any money. Oh, yes, and help other wankers like yourself – if you feel like doing it. You’ve got to give it to Dave and the rest of the gang – they sure know how to tackle a recession head on. If you leave it to the little people, they reckon, they will eventually find a way out. There is a song in this somewhere. ‘Poweeer... 

More Parls Of Wisdom, From The Boys At Stirring Trouble

June 25, 2011

More Parls Of Wisdom, From The Boys At Stirring Trouble

Today we present more pearls of wisdom and witty observations. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. President Obama announces the withdrawal of 10,000 US troops from Afghanistan. The weight of his Nobel Peace Prize is obviously becoming too hard to bear. They say the Arab Spring is all about democracy. In reality it’s probably just a bunch of guys, pissed out of their brains with boredom, raising hell. Don’t you just love to watch the EU crowd saying they won’t let Greece go bankrupt. As if they care about Greece and not saving their own arses. Technically speaking people who voted for the likes of George Bush and Tony Blair should be prosecuted. If they dare to admit that they did it. In an ideal world politicians would be mostly helping the police with their enquires. Who are those... 

Next Page »