President Karzai To Step Down. Says A Top Secret Doc That Everyone Saw

August 31, 2011

President Karzai To Step Down. Says A Top Secret Doc That Everyone Saw

Christopher Lee writes from London: So, Hamid Karzai is not going to stand for a third term as President of Afghanistan. Nice one Hamid, but you should know that no one in Whitehall cares a fiddler’s bitch’s pox box whether you stand down or not. We’re off anyway – in 2014. Problem is, my man at the Private Office, in the Foreign Office, is being asked what his Minister should do about Big Hamid’s decision. Can’t think why they’re asking. When the Private Office said don’t do Libya, the Billiard Cue said ‘don’t do’ wasn’t an option, because Dave had just signed some defence cooperation deal with Prez Sarkozy and le petit escargot was determined to lean on Libya, taking the people who matter in Europe with him. And Dave said over dins the night before that we couldn’t... 

President Obama’s Long Lost Uncle An Illegal Immigrant? What’s So Funny About That?

August 31, 2011

President Obama’s Long Lost Uncle An Illegal Immigrant? What’s So Funny About That?

Ted Obvious writes from Edinburgh: Now let me get this straight: there are actually people out there who think that it’s funny that President Barack Obama’s long lost uncle, Onyango Obama, got arrested recently for drink-driving, turning out to be an illegal immigrant with an outstanding warrant for his arrest and deportation. What’s so funny about that? Illegal immigrants get arrested for drink-driving in America every day, no big deal in that, is there? And what’s the big deal about Mr OO – I’ll call him Mr OO for convenience, not to confuse things – telling the cops that he was going to call the White House to arrange his bail? Where else would you expect him to call, the Pentagon or the FBI? If your name is Obama, you obviously call the White House if something goes wrong.... 

Big Al Calls Global Warming Sceptics ‘Racists’. Green Mafia Is Ecstatic

August 31, 2011

Big Al Calls Global Warming Sceptics ‘Racists’. Green Mafia Is Ecstatic

Thomas Mathew writes from London: Remember Big Al, the former US Vice President, who’d lost to George Bush because the nation would rather have a village idiot in the White House than a creep like him. Well, just to tell you that Big Al has gone on the war path, comparing global warming secptics with racists, getting the green mafia all ecstatic. Atta boy, Al, told them like it is! Mr Gore, who, by the way lost his own state of Tennessee to Bush Junior, decided to act on the back of hurricane Irene and play his ‘racist card’ against the critics of his film, An Inconvenient Truth, that predicted the end of the world to come any day – if urgent steps aren’t taken to implement all sorts of costly green policies. Suffice to say that Mr Gore has been investing heavily into green... 

Some People Don’t Like To Celebrate Their Birthdays. Quite A Lot Of People Actually

August 30, 2011

Some People Don’t Like To Celebrate Their Birthdays. Quite A Lot Of People Actually

Anton Goryunov writes from Moscow: Spare a thought for people who don’t like to celebrate their birthdays. I’m not talking here about children and teenagers, who get all excited about receiving presents and having friends over. I mean people who don’t like all the attention or to be reminded that they are not getting any younger. There are many of them about, although they often keep it to themselves. I know some people who get so depressed on their birthdays that they actually go into hiding, or get so drunk that they simply pass out. You won’t believe how these people suffer when they birthdays arrive! They shudder every time the phone rings and some distant relative or a supposed friend, who haven’t called for a year, would wish them many happy returns of the... 

More Humorous Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Boys At Stirring Trouble

August 30, 2011

More Humorous Pearls Of Wisdom. From The Boys At Stirring Trouble

Today we present more humorous pearls of wisdom and witty observations. From the boys at Stirring Trouble. The way the world’s wealth is distributed at the moment is a scandal. This can’t go on. This is barbarity, pure and simple. The one thing the Left and the Right in politics have in common is that they don’t give a damn about the little people. Positive discrimination, you say. Positive discrimination made a movie super-star out of Will Smith. And that can’t be right, can it? Incompetent corrupt politicians in cahoots with the money men running the world into the ground and everyone pretends not to understand what is going on. At the least the people in the Middle East got the chance to topple their hated corrupt and incompetent political rulers. Something people in... 

A Career In Piracy Might Be Just The Thing For You

August 29, 2011

A Career In Piracy Might Be Just The Thing For You

Ben Delicious writes from the coast of Somalia: Have you considered a career in piracy? Despite the slow down in the world economy, business is booming on the high seas and profits are non-taxable and rising. Plus, thanks to the incompetence and lack of initiative on the part of the navies patrolling the seas and the oceans the risks involved have gone down dramatically, and yet, the excitement and satisfaction of the job are still there. And even if, in the highly unlikely event, you are caught, you will be released very soon to return to doing things that you love, compliments of the United Nations that have devised such maritime laws that protect the interests of pirates. The latest stats for 2010, produced by people who like to monitor incidents on the sea linked to piracy, show that there... 

Let’s Talk About Sex. In A Cynical Way

August 29, 2011

Let’s Talk About Sex. In A Cynical Way

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Oh dear, Jane Fonda is at it again, telling how she enjoys sex at the springly age of 73. Says it’s better now for her in the sack than when she was 23. (Shame on her previous three husbands and boyfriends!) Ms Fonda, who is a relationship at the moment, claims she owes her great shape to her genes, hormone injections, plenty of sex, her healthy lifestyle and the talents of her plastic surgeon. OK, I can buy the genes, the hormone injections, the healthy lifestyle and the cosmetic surgery. But why on earth did she need to drag sex into this? Which brings me to ask the age old question: how come actors and actresses and celebs generally cannot grow old gracefully? Why do they have to pretend that they are young, even when they are old, and drag their bedroom... 

Spare A Thought For Politicians In America Who Were Let Down By Hurricane Irene

August 29, 2011

Spare A Thought For Politicians In America Who Were Let Down By Hurricane Irene

Dan Majestic writes from New York: Spare a thought for all those politicians, manning the hatchets along the East Coast of the US of A, who were let down by hurricane Irene that promised to wreak havoc across the land but lost the will to destroy and was downgraded to a tropical storm when it hit mainland US. Serious disappointment now reigns amid the mayors of all big cities and smaller metropolises, who were bracing themselves for some serious devastation that comes in so handy when you need to write off a few billion dollars of dodgy construction contracts and put a gloss on the misuse of other funds. Such opportunities don’t come very often and when you have already made plans and given promises to some serious people, only to see everything collapse at the last moment, it can cause a... 

Starting Dodgy Wars With UN Blessing Has Never Been Easier. The Opportunities Are Endless

August 29, 2011

Starting Dodgy Wars With UN Blessing Has Never Been Easier. The Opportunities Are Endless

Ted Obvious writes from Tripoli: You know what they say about politicians starting dodgy wars? It the first one that looks difficult, but it gets much easier when the next one comes along and the one after that. Cynics even compare it to sex: the first ever time tends to be messy and clumsy in execution, but with each new occasion you get the hang of things and learn to bulls..t your through it better. Just look at Tony Blair, for example. There he was, having a tough time convincing his Western allies to send ground troops to Yugoslavia back in 1990s, to kick Slobodan Milosevic’s butt, but it got much livelier when he involved himself in Sierre Lione, in Africa, replacing one dictator with another, and it was a peach really with bombing Serbia, to punish it for Kosovo, and invading Iraq... 

Things That Make TV Ads Annoying. Like Tampons That Let You Feel Fresh All Day

August 29, 2011

Things That Make TV Ads Annoying. Like Tampons That Let You Feel Fresh All Day

Adam Lovejoy writes from London: Is it just me or has there been a dramatic increase of TV advertising on British TV? No, really, I sometimes get an impression that we’ve had a serious rise in the number of TV ads hotting our screens. Not to mention that most of these ads are very annoying and are shown over and over again, until you want to ssmash the box in anger. How about these compare.com websites terrorising the viewing public? Deeply irritating ads, these, claiming that you can get a great deal on your car or home insurance, or any other insurance, if you log on to them. We’re told we have to tolerate advertising on TV because it supposedly allows companies to promote their products and their services and keep us aware of top brand names being there for us. But do they really... 

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