A Serious Look At The Eurozone Debt Crisis: Only A Big War Can Sort It Out Now

August 13, 2011

Ben Delicious writes from Rome: While all decent people around the world are watching Britain closely, waiting for the next wave of riots to hit the Kingdom, so that they can then have a reason for causing a jolly good spell of mayhem in their own part of the woods, the Italian government came up with a new austerity package, to tackle the growing debt crisis that threatens to turn the once proud nation into a bankrupt.

Italy, so that you know, Italy’s national debt has hit €1.89 trillion, or 119 per cent of its GDP, and, as serious analysts and people, who claim to be serious analysts, like to point out, is bigger than the combined national debt of Greece, Portugal and Ireland. Why these seemingly serious people always mention this – I have no idea. Because on that basis we can start comparing debts of other big countries and say that Britain with its 5 trillion smackers outshines not just Greece, Portugal and Ireland but the whole of Central European countries thrown in as well. And the United States, according to this logic, with its $14.3 trillion debt makes everyone else look like pussies, to be honest.

We all know that the US and Britain and Italy and Spain are in debts up to their eyeballs and there’s a very slim chance that they would ever be able to repay them. And that, in turn, means that another big war in the making as we speak, because wars always break out when big nations find themselves in serious economic and financial trouble and the only way to sort out the mess is to attack others and write off the debts in one go. Not to mention that big wars are good for morale generally and allow the arms producers to make an absolute fortune and fell good about it. Mind you, bankers love wars as well, as they can write off bad debts and steal as much money as they want. Because no one would be able to prove anything in all the mess. That’s what happened during the last two big wars and it is bound to happen again.

But back to Italy and it’s austerity package. The most intriguing part of it is moving public holidays to Sundays, to have more working days during the year. That is some serious sacrifice that Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is asking his nation to make. Italians like their holidays. If fact, Italians try to have as many holidays as they can, squeezing them into their working days at every opportunity. You know, like finishing work at lunch time and partying the rest of the day. So it reamains to be seen whether riots would not break out in Italy in response to such drackonian austerity measures.

But my question to Mr Berlusconi is this. In fact, I have several questions to him, but I’ll start with the most important one and then gradually go down to the less relevant ones. First, I’d like to know what’s that strange contraption made out of someone else’s hair that Mt Berlusconi wears on his head? No, honestly, it looks very odd and some people even say that it’s actually a wig, because sometimes it slips forward and Mr Berlusconi’s brow suddenly shrinks. So, I would really like to know the answer to this.

Secondly, how is that court case regarding that belly dancing chick that Mr Berlusconi was supposedly paying for sex is progressing? It’s really been a while since we’ve heard some new kinky details of those Banga-Banga parties at that villa in Milan.

And, finally, on a less serious note, I’d like to ask Mr Berlusconi this: how on earth could you have allowed borrowing to get so out of control that you clocked a cool €1.89 trillion? Where the hell has that sort of money went? I mean, if you borrow such amounts, then you’re supposed to show something for it. I don’t personally see anything outstanding in Italy that tells me: yes, a lot of money was spent on improving the roads or the railroads or sorting out rubbish collection. Nothing like that is apparent in Italy, so I can only conclude that Mr Berlusconi and his government simply wasted the money on some stupid gimmicks and stunts, like that buffoon Gordon Brown did in Britain when he was Chancellor and Prime Minister.

The funniest thing of all – and now I am moving slightly away from Italy – is that the current debt crisis in the eurozone will never be sorted out until the banks are told to stop behaving like a pack of hungry hyenas, strangling whole national economies with extortionate interest rates. If the European Union is as powerful as it claims to be, why doesn’t it tell the banks to cool it and stick to reasonable rates for a while. To let countries sort out their mess.

But the EU of course won’t do that. They all corrupt as hell there. Sucking bankers’ dicks like there’s no tomorrow, if you pardon the academic lingo.

That why a big war is the only option left really. Which is sort of sad, but understandable considering that the world is run by money men and corrupt politicians.

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