Of Big Cocks That Function And Permanently Moist Vaginas. Tricks Of The Retail Trade

August 22, 2011

Ben Delicious writes from Paris: Are you one of those people who have shopping urges? You know, you wait for the weekend to arrive so that you can join crowds of other people, who spend whole days searching for discounted stuff that they don’t really need. It’s a supposedly great way to spend your time, with junk food on the go thrown in, coming home with multiple shopping bags and a feeling of satisfaction that you have enriched yourself even more with consumer goods.

Anyway, I blame the retail trade with saddling consumers with astronomical debts because of its ruthless marketing and promotion of all that Chinese made junk. Buy, buy, buy, is the message. So that some retailing magnate could get himself another super-yacht, or shareholders in some chain could get their healthy dividends on time. Let the plastic melt in the name of the prosperity of the few!

Debts? Who cares about debts when you can buy more trash and feel middle class and prosperous! What, you only have three flat screen TVs in your home? That is so last decade. Buy another one, and another. Even though there’s nothing to watch on the box, it would still sound great when you slip into a conversation that you have ‘five tellies’ in your house. We watch them separately, you know, you would tell your friends. We like different things ’cause we’re sophisticated.

Mobile phones? It’s a status symbol, innit? You can’t just walk about with last year’s model, when this year’s one has a couple of fancy new functions thrown in. And you really have to have that iPad, even if you only play games on it and browse the Internet to buy crap or watch porn. It’s a must have item, innit. It’s what makes you a real man. And while you’re at it, why don’t you try that new brand of deodorant that makes chicks go wild and let you do things to them that they won’t usually let you if you don’t have that strong musky smell of our product coming from you.

And how about designer wear? Are you following the latest fashion trends? Remember, if you’re inarticulate and struggle to string sentences together, laughing a lot for no apparent reason, clothes will help you to stand out. If you are into yesteryear, you won’t get a second glance from anyone. No chance of a shag for you, people. Let those designer jeans and trousers slip way down to reveal some proper labelled underwear that comes with a 20 per cent discount if you buy two dozen of it. And let those cleavages of yours girls out into the public domain, and that crack between your buttocks. We have just the right clothes for you toshow as much of your flesh as possible. Great bras, buy one get one for double the price. What’s there not to like?

And it gets even worse when retailers target children and even small kids with their marketing campaigns. It’s like some bloody Nazi propaganda machine that just won’t go away. Kids, are you five and still have no computer and mobile phone? Are you nuts or what? Get your parents to buy you stuff, quick! And don’t forget those trainers for a hundred quid and a T-shirt with a designer label in big letters that tells other kids that you’re cool. And if you parents tell you they have no money, that means they don’t love you, so go to your grandma or grandpa and ask them to buy you things.

And of course there are the celebs that plug stuff. Celebs are created by the retail trade with the sole purposes of selling junk to their fans. Yep, the whole celeb thing is just a marketing ploy – nothing else. Hi, I’m a celeb and I use this hair dye because it makes my hair extensions look shiny and silky. And I’m another celeb and I just love to slip into something really fancy that is made in China and lasts a whole two weeks before falling apart.

And it gets worse every year. Soon we’ll have celebs saying things like: Wanna a big cock that functions or a permanently moist vagina? Wear our new track suits with a sucking effect and you you’ll get laid in no time.

You think this sounds crazy? Just you wait and see.

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