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Nothing Kills Off An Erection Like The Screams Of A Pop Diva, Overdoing It With The Word ‘Baby’

October 22, 2011

Baby Baby Ted Obvious writes from London: Yes, nothing kills off a budding erection quicker than the screams of some pop diva, seriously overdoing it with the word ‘baby’ in her lyrics.

The word has become a menace in pop. Since pop began practically every bloody seemed to be peppered with baby this and baby that. It’s like a password that brain dead pop stars used to signal to everyone that they are, well, brain dead.  Gather round, they said, we’ve come up with another smash hit and it’s got the word ‘baby’ written all over it.

How on earth did this obsession develop? Could it be that the word ‘baby’ helps to ‘glue’ the lyrics together or maybe it just sort of slips into the songs, unnoticed, and stays there? Mind you, ‘baby’ is not a bad word in itself, but when it’s used all over the place in songs it becomes really, really irritating.

The most embarrassing thing of all is that middle-aged pop stars use ‘baby’ all the time. And then it sounds even worse, because it’s really weird to hear folks, who are getting close to kicking the bucket, if you pardon the expression, rolling their eyes and doing their ‘baby’ or ‘babe’ thing. Most of them should have packed it in a long time ago, to be honest. Singing I mean. Most of them, if you want my honest opinion, should not have become musicians at all. Yes, that’s how I feel about it, because a lot of pop is so bad that it’s very hard to understand how on earth people can listen to such crap. But even if we accept that there are sad pathetic wankers out there, who would listen to any rubbish and to any number of times of the word ‘baby’ mentioned in the lyrics, then the least the pop crowd could do is get someone else to write the words for them.

Just like Elton John did, by the way, having realised very early in his career that he was not great with lyrics. And so he placed an ad in his local news paper and Bernie Taupin replied to it and together they became the most popular act in the 1970s. You might not know this, but Elton was actually the biggest selling pop star in the whole world. With Bernie’s help, of course. And the word ‘baby’ didn’t feature prominently in their lyrics. OK, they’ve had a couple of silly moments, but that was not a big deal, considering how many good songs they’ve written.

Anyway, the old generation of pop stars has a lot to answer for when it comes to silly lyrics and to the word ‘baby’ popping up all over the place. The Motown stable of artists seriously overdid it with the ‘baby’ thing. We’re talking big numbers here, people. Dozens of ‘babies’ and ‘babes’. We’re talking about serious abuse of this word in their lyrics. Boy or boy did they like to use ‘baby’ a lot!

I’m not implying, mind you, that Motown artists were alone in this. Popular music across the board was infected with the word ‘baby’. Some of the giants in the industry have been guilty of its abuse. So what can you expect from the current lot that copies them religiously in everything, including, of course, succumbing to that magic formula of ‘drugs, booze and sex’ (DBS).

A lot of young music talent of today write just one single – and then go straight into the DBS mode, believing that it would fill them with creativity and new ideas. Little do they know that getting drunk or stoned or shagging groupies endlessly never actually helped in writing good music. Unless, of course, you were into heavy rock or metal. Then it probably did wonders for the creative process.

Pop divas of all shapes and sizes are seriously devoted to the word ‘baby’. In fact, some of them overdo it to such an extent that you begin to wonder whether they know any other words at all. And it sounds really weird. Mind you, most of these pop divas are semi-literate, sentimental, unremarkable broads, who get it into their heads that they are some huge talents. And then there’s no stopping them from belting out those ‘babies’ and ‘babes’ in every bloody song, gurgling on their saliva.

That is why the boys at Stirring Trouble have decided to produce a manual for pop stars that would include several dozen words that can substitute ‘baby’ and ‘babe’. They are now busy, coming up with male and female names, short and very distinct, that would be good substitutes. They are also looking at subjects for songs that might ease the pressure on the current music talent, with most songs rotating around the crotch area a lot, rarely straying away from the subjects of intercourse. So a change of theme might do the trick and help to avoid the word ‘baby’.

The manual will be available next year and give helpful advice on substituting other irritating words, like ‘ecstasy’, that has been polluting pop lyrics for the past couple of decades. Some young artists use it so often that you might suspect them of not knowing what it stands for.

In any case, the manual is bound to be of interest to all pop musicians, as it will include tips on how to combat hangovers and battle erectile problems.

– End –

Category: Entertainment  · 5 Comments »
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  • http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2004/04/15/dt1507.xml Robert Hertner

    The Music Biz
    (Hum Oasis and Super Grass …)

    Copyright, ©, MCMXC, by Robert Hertner, All rights reserved, used by permission.

    Can’t be in the British charts if you don’t whine a lot like we do.
    I can’t believe any-body whines like I do-ooh.

    We are young
    We are dumb
    We got manager
    Ripping us off
    But we got
    Pocket money
    It’s all right

    We got girls by the score
    And they make us all sore
    Why is it
    Such a bore
    It’s all right.

    Now don’t you ask for an audit
    You’ll be out
    On your ass
    Just as quick
    As a flash.

    But we’re young
    Not that dumb
    In the charts
    On TV
    Offshore accounts?
    Wot is that?
    It’s not right.

    Now we’re back
    And we’re serious
    And we’re heavy
    And we’re desperate
    The world tour lost how much?
    WE OWE YOU WHAT?
    It’s alllllll shite!

  • http://www.madeinnations.com Graham Rankin

    Would it be a fun project to record a baby’s cry over each mention of baby in the song? That would get the repetition idea across, and probably be a hit on YouTube, which would get your site even better known!

  • Jeff Van Devender

    Sorry to disappoint but,
    Elton & Bernie have had several ‘baby’ songs:

    Baby I Miss You
    Blues For Baby & Me
    Come Back Baby
    Blue Eyes (Baby’s got blue eyes…)
    Tiny Dancer (Blue jean baby)

    to name a few
    Good point otherwise. = )

  • HoopTWho

    You could take the crass way out as some of the mainstream rappers have done, soiling and sullying the creativity of Hip-Hop, I might add. I feel your pain.
    So instead of the ever annoying, “baby”, why do we not insert a “bitch” or two? Let’s face it, many of these songs are spruced up ways of declaring the desire to f*ck. And speaking of f*cking, what man who is “hitting it right” hasn’t been called a “motherf*cker”? There you have another substitute.
    “Ho”, “Slut”, “Bastard”, “Tramp” (which is androgynous), “F*cker” are also tried and tested substitutes.
    Think about it.

  • 774

    I find the very concept of referring to someone you want to do the naughty with as “baby” to be very disturbing. Was the first person to do so a pedophile or something? Gross.

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