The Seriously Corrupt Party: Tips To Aspiring Politicians

November 24, 2011

Corruption Thomas Mathew writes from London: It’s exactly three and a half years ago that a new political party had been registered in Britain, the Seriously Corrupt Party (SCP).

The party has been very effective in spreading its message and getting politicians from across the political divide to become seriously corrupt and abuse their positions. It is thanks to a large extent to the tireless work of the SCP that so many politicians in Britain and beyond have become interested in corruption and got involved in it. It was especially heartening to see, for example, how British MPs demonstrated the most ingenious methods of submitting false expenses claims and fiddling with their home allowances. Bravo, all of you, says the SCP. Keep on with the good work.

But the party wants to go even further in promoting corruption that it views as the main driving force of any political system. It wants to avoid cases of bad corruption, when politicians either don’t really know how to fiddle their expenses properly or are actually embarrassed to milk the system and accept secret payments from generous people.

Today the SCP executive launches a brochure, How To Enjoy Corruption In Politics, that is designed to appeal to people, who are thinking of becoming corrupt politicians but are not sure how to go about it. The 800-page glossy brochure, sponsored by several big banks, will soon be available in all good bookshops, but we decided to bring you the foreword that was written by the chairman of the SCP, Sir Christopher Shiftyeyes, who lists some of the most important things that any young person should always know when entering politics.

Dear Readers,

The most important thing for any young aspiring politicians to remember is that they should never enter politics if they are not planning to enrich themselves. If God forbid they are thinking of changing the world and making a difference, then they might just as well get a 9 to 5 job somewhere and work for a salary. Politics are not about boring routines and integrity. It’s about personal prosperity and that of your loved ones. Everything else comes second. Just like in that wonderful song which goes: ‘Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.’

We have made these words the slogan of our party that reflects what we are about and what politics is about: loving and nurturing yourself, primarily.

One of the greatest misconceptions about politics is that you should tread in it gently and avoid corrupt practices initially, until you learn the tricks of the trade. Nothing can be further from the truth. When you are young you need money even more to enjoy life and that is why you should not be embarrassed to start enriching yourself the moment you enter politics. Most people will understand your desire to prop up your family budget and they will gladly part with their money, in the hope that you will be able to help them out at some point in the future.

Which brings me to one of the most important rules of corrupt politics: if you feel that you can get away with taking money from people and doing absolutely nothing in return, do exactly that. Come up with the most bizarre reasons that could have prevented you from delivering the goods. Pretend that you did your bit but other unscrupulous politicians in the chain have let you down. That is the ultimate in political corruption, pioneered by some of the greatest politicians in the past whose names are now set in stone. You should always strive to follow their example, for if you receive money and do not do anything in return you can never be taken to account. Some people call it bad corruption, but we call it wise corruption.

Unfortunately, you will encounter people in your political career who would expect you to deliver on your promises for their money. These vulgarians actually believe that politicians have to play by the rules when it comes to corruption. There are two ways of dealing with these sorts of people: either reluctantly reject their advances or at least try to squeeze a least some money out of them and do nothing.

Corruption in politics is even more fun if you take part in anti-corruption campaigns, while being seriously corrupt yourself. It actually always makes sense to play the anti-corruption ticket, like is has been done in the past by the greatest of our politicians. History knows of numerous examples when political leaders, who have amassed vast fortunes in paybacks during their stay in power, were the most fervent anti-corruptionists ever.

Deep down inside, though, every one of you, aspiring politicians, must always remember that corruption is not something that you should be ashamed of. Corruption brings the best people into politics otherwise why would they be there at all. A corrupt politician is always a happy politician and when voters see that their elected representatives are happy they feel happy too, even if they do not get anything for their money.

In our brochure you will find many helpful tips and suggestions on how to be corrupt in politics and enjoy it. We even devote a chapter to family corruption when a husband and wife teams can enter politics together to improve their financial standing. We also strongly recommend that such power couples teach their children basic corruption skills from the earliest age possible. It is a joy to see political dynasties emerging throughout the world, with the next generation always faring much better at corruption then the previous one. In some countries whole families are now running things, enriching themselves to no avail. And we welcome such a development and see huge potential for it in the future.

Lastly, I would like to wish the best of luck to all of you future politicians and suggest that the moment you enter politics, you get that till of yours ringing.

Yours faithfully,
Sir Christopher Shiftyeyes
Seriously Corrupt Party

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