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Tony Blair Goes To Afghanistan And Discovers How To Make A Billion

February 2, 2012

Martin McCauley reports from Kabul: A secret meeting has taken place between Tony Blair and President Hamid Karzai in the Afghan capital. However, my sources are such that nothing stays secret very long from my ears.

Karzai: Welcome, Mr Prime Minister…

Blair: Er, er. But I’m no longer Prime Minister. I’m now forced to work for a living. Although, to be honest, I often imagine myself still running things in Britain, starting wars and all that kind of stuff. Once you’ve tasted the spoils of high office, you know, it stays with you forever.

Karzai: You’re telling me? I’m a tribal chief at heart and it’s natural for me to crave for power. But I haven’t invited you here today to talk about what it feels to be in high office. The thing is I have run into a slight difficulty. NATO has just put out an in depth study of the Taliban. They have, unfortunately, twigged what has been going on for years: that the Taliban are my best friends. Those clever strategists in Pakistan, the Inter-Services Intelligence agency to be exact, have been running them like ducklings following their mother. I wonder if you have any advice about what tactics I should adopt to deflect the opprobrium which is descending on my head. You are the master of double talk and you managed to run your country for years without anyone realising that you’ve had no idea what you were doing.

Blair: Hamid, thank you very much for the compliment. But I always thought that the Taliban were your bitter enemies. Didn’t you tel me that they hated you and wanted you dead? And now it turns out that you were lying to me. It hurts me to think that you were actually pulling my leg.

Karzai: Well, Tony, let me explain myself. Like you, I’m a straight kind of guy, most of the time, but sometimes I do say things that are – how can I put it? – not exactly correct. The Taliban, from my point of view, was the goose that laid the golden eggs. The bigger the threat, the more and more lovely money kept coming my way. The Americans are very easy to fool. Tell them that you believe in democracy, human rights and the American way of life, and they shower you with dollars. I always mentioned to them that if the Taliban took over Afghanistan, al Qaeda would use it as a terrorist base to attack the US. They fell for it. Osama bin Laden and I got together and worked out a strategy to milk the Yankees dry. It was easy to get guns and explosives. NATO is training a National Afghan Army. They provided them with all the military hardware you can imagine. Our soldiers handed it over to smugglers in Pakistan. We paid the gun runners some dollars and everyone was happy. So you see the Americans were being killed by their own weapons.

Blair: But some of your closest associates were killed by the Taliban…

Karzai: You cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs. There were mistakes but the overall effect was positive for us. We pretended to put in place a Western style local government. In reality, we have built up a strong network that would  effortlessly take over when the Allies eventually go. That will be a sad day for all of us. All that lovely dosh will stop flowing into our treasury.

Blair: But, but…

Karzai: Tony, I can see you are  shocked. You obviously thought you were leading me and the Afghans around by the nose but actually we were doing that to you. We are now rich. And when I say ‘we’, I don’t mean the whole nation but the people who govern it and run the insurgency.

Blair: Hold it, Hamid, I have an idea. I can become your public relations adviser in the time until NATO pulls out. And if you’re so close to the Taliban, we can use your connection to make some serious money. We could claim that unless more aid arrives extreme elements of the Taliban could take over. And the Taliban would make all the right noises to confiim it. And then we can both become billionaires.

Karzia: I am a billionaire already, Tony.

Blair: OK, you’ll be a multi-billionaire and I’ll settle for one billion.

Karzai: Done.

–End–

Category: Let's Be Cynical  · 1 Comment »

  • mahatmacoatmabag

    Perhaps Tony wishes to repay the UK Tax Payer the 14 Billion he & his cronies in Govt. wasted on the NHS computer system that did not work & has had to be scrapped. So Tony the UK Tax Payer will accept this Billion as a 1st downpayment.

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